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So...we circled, we drank, we sang, we hashed, we drank, we circled again, we drank, we sang.
Here's some stuff that may or may not have happened.



Wednesday 06/19/2019 #1565

TSA @ Central Bank of St. Louis (Des Peres, MO)

Nobody has written the Hash Trash yet...WHY ARE WE WAITING!?!?!

    Attendance:


Wednesday 06/12/2019 #1564

Reach Around Rabbit @ ???

Hash Trash:

Many of you may have forgotten (or forgotten to care) that there was a hash scheduled for Wednesday, June 12 in the year of our lord 2019. Well…there was, and some of us even travelled great distances to be there to actually keep our kennel from fading into oblivion. I know, I know, it’s not every day that Phish comes to town…except it WAS every day from June 11-12. So you could have gone the night before and still hashed on Wednesday. In the end, 7 brave souls showed up (which I must say is less than the Springfield hash on Sunday – shame on you): Reach Around, Claim, RA Shepherd, Whiney, Purdy, yours truly, and our guest of honor and backslider Secret Cervix.

Things got off to a great start as people trickled in to the Tip Top Cleaners parking lot and we realized there was no beer meister and thus no beer for circle. Luckily, Claim always travels with a few in his backpack to avoid having to pay the exorbitant hash cash of $7. Finally the hare (Reach Around) showed up on his bike after pre-laying trail and gave us beer from the beer stop cooler. He also came with a warning: if the campus cops tell you to stop, just ignore them and keep going. This seemed like solid advice. We circled up and watched the storm clouds roll in while Whiney told us just how miserable the rain was going to be. The hare requested a 90 second lead time, because…well…trail was already laid and…um…he was still riding his bike. Off he went, only to show back up a minute later going the exact opposite way. At this point, the writing was on the wall: this was going to be a true clusterfuck.

Let me stop for a second to give a disclaimer: I don’t know shit about where we were (or where we ever are), so proper street names and landmarks on trail will henceforth become “this way”, “that way”, “over there”, and “around the bend”.

The pack took off that way and past some sort of campus and baseball field. This is where we first encountered the campus cops, and like good hashers we did what we were told and kept running. It was about this time the rain really kicked in and left us all wondering if this was really worth it. The answer was: kinda? But not worth it enough to follow all of the loop backs that we were starting to find all over the campus. So we did some shortcutting, as Reverse Australian Shepherd said he ran past a big chunk of trail on his way to circle, so he knew where it was going. However, in true hasher fashion, we apparently fucked ourselves out of the beer halt on one of our shortcuts…unless it was the empty Busch Light, half-empty bottle of green tea, and crushed pack of Salems that we ran past on the curb. In that case: shit.

But I digress. The rain didn’t stop, so neither did we. If I could, this is where I would post a YouTube link to either “Don’t Stop Me Now” by Queen

or “We Can’t Stop” by Miley Cyrus

(Tased, can you make that happen?).

It became apparent that Reach Around intentionally was leading us into and among the human cesspool that is Phish fans, which made us for the first time appreciate the blessing of the rain. Washed clean of the stank of BO and reefer, we also thanked the hash gods for cleansing our taints and allowing our balls to not stick to our thighs during a June hash. (As an aside: I probably heard the word “taint” spoken more on this trail than I’ve heard it in the last 15 years.)

Eventually we came around the bend to find a scooter factory…and our hare sitting in a fucking lawn chair by his car. This was the beer stop, and it was under a bridge so we got a bit of relief from the rain. And at this point I will also take a short break to relieve myself and have a smoke, because my creative juices seem to be waning.

Ok, sorry I’m back…I decided to also eat lunch as my legs got a bit shaky after I peed. The rest of trail was either uneventful or I’m just trying to get to the end of writing this…either way our de facto RA Claim promised us a quick 5 minute end circle to get out of the rain and to the on-after. Unfortunately the hare had a couple more pieces of fuckery for us: 1) there was no on-after and 2) he didn’t show up for circle. Because #2 didn’t become immediately obvious, we were able to take some time to call around to rectify #1. Whiney decided to bring out the newest piece of technology he owns, a transistor radio circa 1941 (because, you know, the Germans are coming). He promised to play us some “blues” but I only heard what sounded more like a sporting event instead of the sweet sounds of B.B. King.

Secret Cervix stood in for our missing hare and took his down-down and…oh wait a minute…THERE HE IS. Pulling in the parking lot 20 minutes late and without a care in the world…and then immediately leaving again to go join the other dredges of society at the Phish concert. Oh well, who needs him anyway. So we swung low and to the on-after we went. As we were hurting for options, we ended up at Wellspent, which is “this way” and then “that way” and next to a barber shop. The place was only half-full, but they had a projector screen hooked up to a laptop as the locals were very engrossed in a game of Stickpuck. The good guys in blue won, and there was much rejoicing. On that note, I bid thee adieu.

-- Louis C.O.C.K.



Saturday 06/08/2019 #1563

Eye Swallow and Stink Palm @ St. Chuck

Hash Trash:

Circle: Parking Lot of Foundry Art Centre

Hares: Eye Swallow and Stink Palm

RA: Pussy Snatcher

(In)Significant Runs: Pussy Snatcher (11), In Your Endo (15), Just The Tick (35), Tased and Confused (185), Claim to Flame (411)

Shot Stop: Jean Baptist Point DuSable Park

Beer Stop #1: Corner Bar

Beer Stop #2: Pine Room

Beer Stop #3: Boone's Lick Park

Hash Shit: Beaver Chaser (for everything)

On-After: Big A's



Wednesday 06/05/2019 #1562

Frankie TDTPE @ Affton

Hash Trash:

Circle: Affton, parking lot South of Carpenter's Apprentice School

Hare: Frankie the Dick-Thrusting Pussy Eater

RA: Quarter PoundMe

(In)Significant Runs: Louis C.O.C.K. (20), Princess Pussy Pants (35), Fatliner (45), Road Kill (135), Eye Swallow (195), Splash Mount'em (195), TSA (195), Frankie the Dick-Thrusting Pussy Eater (230)

Beer Stop: Abandoned Rothman Furniture Parking Lot

Visitors: Barely ManBelow (Eugene H3), Beer Factor (Boise H3), Freda Goodhom (Eugene H3), Rambo (Kigali H3 - Rwanda)

Hash Shit: Quarter PoundMe (for not providing us with an actual Tornado)

On-After: Hot Shots



Wednesday 05/29/2019 #1561

How Would You Like to Cup my Nuts Hash @ ???

Hash Trash:

Circle: Lemmons Parking Lot

Hare: How Do You Like My Headlights NOW

RA: Fake Bake Fuck

(In)Significant Runs: Quarter PoundMe, Fatliner (44), Claim to Flame (410)

Beer Stop: Joseph R. Leisure Park

Hash Shit: Free Mustache Rides (trying to pay hash cash with a scratch off)

On-After: Pepper's (to see the Blues get their first Stanley Cup Finals win ever!)



Saturday 05/25/2019 #1560

Vomit Comet & Is Your Refrigerator Cumming @ ???

Hash Trash:

The circle formed at lovely Cherokee Park where the hares Vomit Comet and Is Your Refrigerator Cumming informed us to park on the north side of the park where there was practically no parking. As the hashers began arriving, it was noted that A: There was a large turnout for a Saturday hash, and B: There was no beer. Eventually TSA arrived to collect our money, and provide an entire big ass cooler full of beer, which was promptly carried up a hill. Once it was time for the pack to be away, it was decided we should probably get the RA to start the circle. Of course, being newly minted RAs from elections just one month prior, none of the RAs could be bothered to attend, so Pussy Snatcher was pressed into service to commemorate her newly given name by immediately making her take charge of the pack. The circle began to form into an actual circle, apparently in the living room of a homeless person, as all of their effects were staged for their evening like 15 feet from where we circled up. We did the usual circle activities such as forgetting what songs to do, forgetting to announce who we were, and forgetting what order to do everything in. We were treated to a virgin, Just Tanish, who just stared wide eyed at what was transpiring before him.

Eventually the hares were called in to do a chalk talk, where they proceeded to show us their lovely marks and explain that this will be an educational trail, as there is a history of beer caves in the St. Louis area. We were tricked by the recommendations to bring cranium lamps and assuming the descriptions of tite and dank were just millennial speak instead of cave references, but fortunately nobody read the descriptions posted anyway so those references were lost on the pack at large.

The pack was then off! Off south from Cherokee park, down the historic row of mansions including Lemp Mansion and Chatillon DeMenil, where it was remarked that this would be a beautiful scene for a themed hash such as a bridesmaid hash. It was at the end of this block where the hash was met with the first beer halt, which we were promised were all cave themed. The pack split the generously provided single can of PBR and wondered aloud where any trace of a cave could be, before moving along. We then proceeded through what I can only assume (because I’m too lazy to look it up) to be the Lemp brewery, and then around Shepard School, where Reverse Australian Shepherd demanded a picture, assuming that Shepard and Shepherd are the same word because they sound the same when you say them out loud. Somewhere around here we had another beer halt to celebrate another cave that there was no outward indication of, with another entire 12oz can of PBR for the entire pack to enjoy together.

We then ran down Cherokee where we passed the on-after, in what was noted to be an attempt to taunt the pack with refreshment, and it also was noted that nobody brought cash or ID on trail, otherwise we would just skip the whole damn thing and go to the on-after since we were there already. Being that we had no means to enjoy Earthbound at this time, the pack then proceeded onward past some checks to the beer stop, which was at the end of a ¾ mile straight shot much to the pleasure of all the usual FRBs.

We all partook of the beer stop and were soon off again. (Seriously if you want to see the beer stop, Beaver Chaser took and posted enough pictures that you could print them off and make a flip book from them, and have an animated re-creation.) The pack proceeded to go around the AB brewery where there was nary a beer to be found, although we did soon find a complaining Whiney Bitch running the wrong way with two cans of Naturdays, as he was the lucky finder of the promised fishhook. The runners and walkers then joined up at yet another beer halt to share what was presumed to be yet another entire can of PBR just for us, but no, this time we were met by Claim to Flame who was enjoying a tallboy of busch and regaled us with his surprising the hares by beating them to their own beer halt. The pack then enjoyed not one, but 6 entire tallboys of busch, quelling our complaints of not enough beer at a beer halt by suddenly shifting gears to complaining that there was too much beer at a beer halt. Eventually Whiney and Ovary Punch came in, an incorrect assumption made that the fishhook had been solved by these two. EVENTUALLY EVEN LATER Tased and TSA came in to the beer stop, where we were informed that it took them so long due to the fishhook and sex on trail, but if you look at the strava feed, they just missed a turn and did some extra mileage. After we finished all this beer, it was back to On-In.

We circled up, met our virgin, introduced everyone to each other, called in pints of lager, called in general complaints, which was pretty much everyone, then proceeded to hash shit, where it was between the hares for always dressing the same, the GMs for whatever GM –like behavior they did, and a few other people who I can’t remember because I wasn’t really paying attention. The hares lost a drink-off to the GMs, and had to enjoy the hash-shit, which they thoroughly did. We awarded headbands to our significant runs, celebrated July birthdays, and then swung low. Pussy Snatcher learned that there was more than one verse to swing low as she lost control of the circle, and the pack was content to go all night before “May the Pack Go in Peace” was shouted out by enough people who came to drink, not to sing.

Yours, Fatliner

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Circle: Cherokee Park

Hares: Vomit Comet & Is Your Refrigerator Cumming?

RA: Pussy Snatcher

(In)Significant Runs: Vomit Comet (30), Betty Cocker (90), Whiney Bitch (720)

(Very)Significant Runs: Pussy Snatcher (10), Is Your Refrigerator Cumming? (25)

Virgin: Just Tanish (Pussy Snatcher) [joke]

Beer Stop: Corner of Cave St. & 7th St.

Hash Shit: Vomit Comet & Is Your Refrigerator Cumming (lost chug off to the GM's)

On-After: Earthbound Brewery



Wednesday 05/22/2019 #1559

Puke Halt & 59 Minutes Left @ Lockwood Park

Hash Trash:

We circled up at Lockwood Park’s tiny parking lot. Betty Cocker’s virgin, Just J.D., was called into circle for a shitty chalk talk, and Puke Halt explained all the hash notations, as he looked on with excitement. When Gladdy called in May birthdays, TSA, who claims to have birthed two children, commented on how they were all Valentine’s babies (that would be a 3 month gestation period for the mathematically challenged). Her children don’t really look like her, so maybe that should be investigated…? The hares were sent away and Just Jennifer was questioned.

The trail began with rolling hills, which made me contemplate getting lost and going back to circle. Apparently, I wasn’t the only one with this thought because Tased, who was “looking forward to another 9 mile trail like last time Puke Halt hared in webster”, got lost after 2 miles. We thought about looking for him, but we were more excited to see the extra-long trail he would set for himself. But before he set out on his own venture, the handsome and valiant Tased courageously found the trail through the metal tunnel and up the steep. rocky hill to the railroad tracks. (I wrote this trash days ago, but Tased wouldn't publish it until I edited it to include his heroic, hashy behavior.)

Shortly after we lost Tased, we found the trail through the woods and over the railroad tracks, where we were suddenly faced with a rickety old trestle bridge, missing pieces and covered in “so much tar,” according to hasher and death bridge of death enthusiast, Dewey Sexual System. After the thrilling trek across the bridge, we were met with a full bottle of Captain Morgan Cannon Blast, which is 35% alcohol and 69% sugar, for the much anticipated puke halt. The runners decided that it would be a shame to waste such fine liquor by puking and going into a diabetic coma, so they saved the remainder of the bottle for the hares to enjoy.

Then we went on to our second knee deep water crossing (well, just the hashers who like to hash harder, not smarter) in a storm drain tunnel, where a creep was waiting in a scary mask. We assume this was Lock Nut Monster, but he/it was wearing clothes, so identification is still unconfirmed. This clothed monster has also been deemed responsible for the witchy way that led to another witchy way on the top of a steep hill, which led to three blow jobs. Fuck you Lock Nut!

After 4-5 miles of trail, we finally made it to the beer stop at a small park a mile from the on-in. The walkers were mad at the hares because they made them wait 20 minutes for beer, which is totally unacceptable for a DRINKING club. We stayed extra long at the beer stop because the hares were waiting for Tased, who was chilling out at the on-in facebooking while we were worried sick.

When we finally returned to circle, Gladdy decided no one had anything to do the next day and ran a Postage circle. He may have been a little drunk because he couldn't tell the difference between Tased and TSA. I know they're basically joined at the hip, but you can easily tell them apart because Tased's penis is slightly bigger than TSA's. Pints of lager were given to Just Peter for noticing that an older gentleman hasher (Whiney Bitch) was complaining the whole time, and to Just Peter and Is your Refrigerator Cumming? for helping me and TSA out of the storm drain. TSA won hash shit for thinking that humans have a 3 month gestation period. Gladdy called people in the circle for everything under the sun, and if you weren’t included in that, then you were called in for not being called in.

After Gladdy went through everything on his RA cheat sheet to keep us there, Just Jennifer was brought into the circle and questioned again. Then Fatliner took her into the woods for a quickie, while the hash deliberated over names. The hash voted to name her Silver Slipper Shitter Sleeper, based on her propensity to fall asleep on strip club toilets. When they were called back to circle, they failed to respond. We thought Fatliner was just taking his time, but it turned out that he was too quick and Just Jennifer went out looking for pussy to satisfy her needs. She must be really good at finding pussy because she came walking out of the woods with a random cat. Her new hash name was instantly recalled and she was named Pussy Snatcher.

When Gladdy finally ran out of songs and other reasons to keep us, he called Just J.D. into the circle to entertain us. He tried entertaining us with a shitty joke, but it wasn’t even dad joke funny. So he then entertained us by bending over and giving us a view deep inside his colon.

Later, we were all disappointed when we saw that Tased zenned back to the start instead of following the trail backwards until a quarter mile from the start, and then forward again, following each check the wrong way for at least a half mile and finally arriving at circle after a 9 miles of freestyle hashing. Maybe next time though. -Cunt Punt

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Circle: Lockwood Park

Hares: Puke Halt and 59 Seconds Left, Wanna Talk?

RA: GladHeAteHer

(In)Significant Runs: Road Kill (133), Licks and Sticks (180), Stink Palm (430), Lock Nut Monster (590)

Virgin(s): Just J.B. (Betty Cocker) [whoo!!]

Beer Stop: Glen Park

Hash Shit: TSA (not understanding human gestation)

Naming: Just Jenn will forever be known as Pussy Snatcher!!

On-After: Weber's Front Row



Wednesday 05/15/2019 #1558

Fake Bake and Beaner Wiener @ Brentwood

Hash Trash:

Finally the first warm dry day of 2019,  Wednesday of May 15 the Big Hump gathered at Brentwood Park.  The hares were none other Fake Bake Fuck and somebody with dark curly locks of hair  Beaner Wiener.  Quarter Poundme  ran the circle and called in a visiting hasher named Whore with no name ( I like names made from song titles ). The hares explained their trail marking system, and ask for 15 min.   Hares Away

    

See Tased I can do paragraphs.  Waiting 15 mins is hard for me, but today I had my first strawberry lemonade natural light beer, while waiting, so it seemed longer.  Finally the pack is away.

     

Trail splits, right for the walkers.  We never see the walkers again till near the end so I will tell you who they were 2 Fuck Canuck,Betty Cocker, Dapper Sapper, Just Jennifer, and Purdy Mouth.  The  runners go straight toward Manchester on Bremerton till a ladies check.  Dewey who just makes the hash today after driving a thousand miles and recently dumping Disco in the Missouri River, solves the check leading the pack West behind some Manchester business. The pack is lead by Fatliner, Maybe it's Methamphetamine, or just Meth, and Cums on the Record, or just Record

    

At Rockhill road, trail turns South then West and we run by Rockhill city hall (I did not know Rockhill was a city) we run behind Lucky's , global brewing, RSI kitchen and others, till we finally head into the woods to enjoy a little shiggy.  Little does describe the shiggy, a pile of grass clipping and a trickle of water blocks us from a hash halt.  The visiting hasher Whore with no name decides to go back and gather up and help the people in the back of the pack, a concept never thought of  by the rest of us.  Record observes this behavior and refers to him as a positive G Tort, ( I didn't know G Tort but those who did thought it was funny).  How do you like my headlights now and Locknut show up after starting late, and when Quarter Poundme and Fuckushima make it to the hash halt, the pack is away.

    

Reach around Rabbit, or just Rabbit is found trying to solve the next check, but he can only tell where trail does not go. a hole in the fence behind Hacienda Mexican restaurant gives Meth a chance to lead the pack back to Manchester Rd and across it onto Kortwright rd, , a turkey eagle split by Hudson Elementary takes Meth, Record, Fatliner, Locknut and Roadkill, around while the rest of the pack makes a right on Stantley, with Dewey leading to another ladies check, Headlights solves the check going North on McKinley and gives herself a long lead while Cums on Down Under thought she solved it and had to do her own trail to catchup.

    

A right on Old Warson Rd then a left on McKight gets the pack to a Beer Halt.  The beer at the beer halt reminded me of how I get rid of beer that has been lying around at my house, a blue moon, a Yuengling, my favorites and others odd and ends.  Everyone  made it, eventually, Quarter Poundme and Fuckushima make it and finish the beer

    

Thanks to a hint from the hares, we quickly find trail across McKnight and onto Creve Coeur Dr, The hares skip the construction site and keep us on the road, up to Sutton and right on Rockford, past a Pizza Halt (no thanks) and onto Manchester Rd.  From Rock Church I see the FRBs Meth, Fatliner, Record and Locknut, crossing Manchester onto Collier Ave.

    

A beer stop and walkers greet us behind the UPS store.  I try to chill with a Truly berry favored beverage while Record got the Blues hockey game on his phone just in time to see the blue score a leading goal ( sorry they did not keep the lead)  Walkers away, runners away and we are back to the start.   The Hares drink, the visitor Whore with no name entertains us with a joke a song or a body part (It happened so fast I was not sure which one he did) .  More hashers get pulled into circle for various crimes and good deeds, Roadkill gets Hashshoot for well, roadkill like behavior.  Announcenents and the on after are decided and we swing low and Hash  number 1558 is complete.  Thank You, Fake Bake and Beaner (nice hair by the way)  ON ON -- Road Kill

------------------------------------------------------

Circle: Brentwood Park

Hares: Beaner Wiener, Fake Bake Fuck

RA: Quarter Pound-Me

(In)Significant Runs: Betty Cocker (88), Cum on the Record (115), Tased and Confused (180), How Do You Like My Headlights NOW (240), 2 Fuck Canuck (265), Fake Bake Fuck (277)

Visitor: Whore With No Name (Traveller) [woo!]

Beer Stop: Schnucks Park Lot on Collier Ave.

Hash Shit: Road Kill (for constantly trying to abandon the pack)

On-After: Trainwreck Saloon (watched the Blues get screwed by a no-call on an illegal hand pass)



Saturday 05/11/2019 #1557

Bridesmaids Hash w/ Sweet Ho and 2:19 @ Benton Park

Hash Trash:

Circle: Benton Park

Hares: 2:19 from Chicago, Sweet Ho Alabama

RA: Free Mustache Rides

(In)Significant Runs: Reverse Australian Shepherd (22), Beaver Chaser (70), TSA (190)

Shot Stop: The Lemp Mansion

Cupcake Stop: Gravois Park

Beer Stop: Fox Park

Hash Shit: TSA (for trying to poison the Hash Shit)

On-After: Trueman's Pub



Wednesday 05/08/2019 #1556

TSAquila Mile @ Agave Plantation

Hash Trash:

TSA forgot to bring the salt and a knife to cut the limes, so COTR, being such a kind and generous soul, brought a “smallish” knife, which was actually a machete. And Dewey brought salt because COTR couldn’t carry a massive knife and salt at the same time. After a shitty chalk talk, TSA proudly shoved the machete in her pants and ran off like a lunatic to lay trail with Tased. Tased made it back to circle, so we know they didn’t have any disagreements while laying trail. The hash was on out at 7:14, which was unusually early, but I guess the hares were afraid of the rain.

The trail to the tequila mile was about a mile long. There were the usual checks, a fish hook and even a song stop that no one stopped at because it wasn’t in the chalk talk, so definitely invalid.

TSA brought 4oz dixie cups for the tequila shots because buying disposable shot glasses would be too logical. Then, she wanted to just pour the shots all willy nilly and call them even, but I figured we should have a level playing field because a tequila mile is punishment enough without also playing tequila shot roulette. Although that would be fun for another day.

The tequila mile was super easy and went by so fast, mostly because I wasn’t stupid enough to do it. We had only 8 individuals/teams, at least half of which were couples. They all ran exceptionally fast considering they were full of tequila and stupidity. The rest of us enjoyed watching their junk flopping in their shorts, I mean their amazing athletic feats.

Tequila mile runners bitched about the tequila shots being on the ground. I guess their moms never told them about the starving kids in Mexico who would kill for a shot of tequila on the ground. Ungrateful wankers. But also probably a valid complaint. They should fill out a comment card and give it to their nearest GM. They take that shit seriously and would never make fun of you or make you drink for it.

We walked the 0.1 mile or so back to circle where Tased ordered everyone to circle up in a massive, muddy mosquito pit as it started to rain. Quarter Pound Me RA’d the shit out of circle. I’m joking, he was looking at the cheat sheet on his phone the whole time and still forgot something. That’s ok though because the hash is full of back seat RA’s, so it all worked out.

In addition to all the usual shit, Just John was called into the circle, asked a bunch of questions, and then was granted a reprieve from the mosquito pit so we could vote. Someone really wanted to name him hamburglar, maybe because that’s what he didn’t want to be named or they were just drunk. No one knows. The hash decided on Momma I'm Cummin' because someone asked him if he’d rather fuck his mom with his girlfriend’s mind or his girlfriend with his mom’s mind, and his response was, “Why do I have to choose one of those? Can’t I fuck my mom with my mom’s mind?” I guess it never occurred to him that the other, much less disturbing alternative to avoiding the choices given, would be to fuck his girlfriend with his girlfriend’s mind. This guy is obviously fucking weird, so he’ll fit right in.

Then we all said a heartfelt goodbye/fuck off to Disco Ass. COTR gave him a bottle opener that has been passed down through the military men in his family since the Civil War, or something like that. They hugged and everyone cried into their beers. Then the hash went in peace.

-Cunt Punt

Circle: Joseph L. Adams Park

Hares: TSA, Tased and Confused

RA: Quarter PoundMe

(In)Significant Runs: Fatliner (40), Sweet Ho Alabama (70), Puke Halt (133), Dapper Sapper (145), Splash Mount'em (190), Purdy Mouth (366), Lock Nut Monster (588), Dewey Sexual System (590)

Tequila Mile: Francis Field (Washington University)

Winner Masturbation Division: Aunt Flow (6:01)

Winners Couples Division: Disco Ass and Cum on the Record (5:33)

Hash Shit: Disco Ass (for leaving us to play with himself on the MIssouri River for a few months)

Naming: Just John will forever be known as Momma I'm Cummin'

On-After: Mission Taco (Loop)



Wednesday 05/01/2019 #1555

Ice Princess - the "I'm NOT GM ANYMORE" trail @ The Hill

Hash Trash:

The Place? Sublette Park. The Hare? Ice Princess.

Ice Princess was pretty excited about retiring from mismanagement, although I overheard a conversation a few weeks ago between Tazed and Splash, our new GMS, and I'm not so sure she should have given up on us. Just, well, decide for yourself:

"Ahh, not so fast Tazed. You heard Ice Princess, we’ve got adventures to go on. Just you and me, and sometimes TSA, and sometimes Sweet Ho, but NEVER Claim! You wanna know why? Because he CROSSED me. OK, take it easy, Splash! Th-that's dark. Oh it gets darker...Welcome to the darkest year of hashing. First thing that’s different, no more Claim. He threatened to turn me in to mismanagement, so I made him and mismanagement go away... Ohhh fuck... I repla<burp>ced them both as the defacto-GM of the Big Hump. Oh man... Ice Princess wouldn’t have accepted me if I came home without you. So now you know the REAL reason I rescued you. Ohhh-woah... I JUST TOOK OVER THE HASH TAZED! Oh man... And if you tell anyone I said any of this, I’ll DENY it. You'll deny it... And they’ll take my side, because I’m a hero, Tazed. And now you’re gonna have to do whatever I say, Tazed, FOREVER! A-and I-I’ll go out and find some more of that Tequila Szechuan Taco dipping sauce, Tazed. Wh-what are you talking about? Because that’s, that's what this is all about Tazed! Szechuan? Th-that’s my one arm man. I’m not driven by avenging my dead family <Tazed 𝘤𝘳𝘢𝘸𝘭𝘴 𝘢𝘸𝘢𝘺> Tazed, that was FAKE! <𝘢𝘯𝘥 Tazed 𝘨𝘦𝘵𝘴 𝘱𝘶𝘭𝘭𝘦𝘥 𝘣𝘢𝘤𝘬> I-I’m driven by finding that, Taco Sauce. Tacos? I want that Tequila Taco Sauce, Tazed. Tequila? That’s my goal Tazed! What the hell? If it takes 9 years, I WANT MY TACO DIPPING...What're you talking about Splash?...SAUCE SZECHUAN SAUCE TAZED! What are you talking about? TH-THAT’S WHAT'S GONNA TAKE US, ALL THE WAY TO THE END TAZED! 2028, 9 MORE YEARS TAZED! Taco sauce? 9 MORE YEARS UNTIL I GET THAT DIPPING TACO SAUCE! What is that?!? FOR 9 MORE YEARS MORTY! What're you talking about?!? I WANT THAT TACO SAUCE TAZED!!!"

That's how it happened. Swear.

Anywho...trail was pretty long for being hared by someone who never runs. There was a cryptic message during chalk talk: TBTS. We spent a good 10 minutes trying to figure that one out. We got Taco and Beer, but never tequila. Warm, gross tequila. Aren't we having a tequila mile next week? What is this, Tequila H3? There were Jack in the Box tacos though, so YAY!!! Looks like Splash won't have to wait 9 years for the Tequila Szechuan Taco Sauce after all. Whew. Wait, that wasn't Szechuan? Fuuuuuuck.

Also, from now on all Beer Stops have to have food. You can thank Dewey and Record and the "Best Beer Stop of the Year." You're welcome.

(Around this part of the trash I took a peek online for the attendance and found a summary of the hash. So....yeah....never finished.)

Um, we finished trail even though there were no marks leading us home. "Just go that way!" was good enough apparently. No one got lost on the way. (Or did they?)

Gladdy did a great job RA'ing and fucking up songs as he tends to do. We drank beer. 27 hashers broke the coolers. Whiney bitched. Annnnnnd we swang low. Good job all around.

Yours, forever and deeply,

Dewey

SEE BELOW FOR EVERYTHING ELSE THAT HAPPENED AKA BORING SHIT

Circle: Sublette Park

Hare: Ice Princess

RA(s): Fake Bake Fuck, GladHeAteHer

(In)Significant Runs: Reverse Australian Shepherd (20), Is Your Refrigerator Cumming? (22), Reach-Around Rabbit (30), Licks and Sticks (177), Tased and Confused (177), TSA (188), Purdy Mouth (365)

(Very)Significant Runs: Sweet Ho Alabama (69)

Virgin: Just Peter (Vomit Comet) [joke]

Visitors: Virgin Mobile (Jolly Roger H3) [song], Limp Fish Dick (Beijing H3) [song]

Tacos, Beer and Tequila Stop: Berra Park

Hash Shit: Vomit Comet (lost a chug-off, poor handling of virgin)

On-After: Some went to Bobby's Place, which was crazy crowded, others went to The Hideaway



Saturday 04/27/2019 #1554

Maybe It's Methamphetamine & Strap-On @ Tower Grove Park

Hash Trash:

We circled up at the Tower Grove Bandstand among a plethora of muggles taking Prom pictures, boy are they in for some surprises if they decide to zoom into the background of those photos. In Your Endo provided boozy Ice Cream, but only 1 spoon. Oh well, we are hashers, we already have all of the diseases anyway.

Since none of our freshly elected RAs showed up to the first hash post-erections Tased and Confused took the opportunity to expand his Big-Hump power grab and took over beginning circle. Just Lauren, a Vaj H3 hasher was introduced to the pack as well as Cocktioneer and Louisville Plug-Her who were visiting from CoMotion. Maybe Its Methamphetamines stepped in to describe how shitty his first ever trail would be. It was mostly standard marks until he indicated there would be a check-back in a foreign language (math) and that the beer halts would be numbered. I immediately assumed the answer to both would be 7, setting myself up for great disappointment. The pack posed for the most disorganized Prom photo ever and the hares were off.

The walkers were almost immediately away as well while the runners provided the full 15-minute head start. The CoMotion hashers headed home, citing a lack of Fireball. The first mark was a Runner-Walker split, but as we soon found out the walkers were going to get their moneys worth today. The trail took us north of the park into Shaw and very quickly to a chick check. TSA went left, Licks went straight and Cunt Punt went right but soon all were heading back towards the check and CP had company, the walkers had apparently spent the entire previous 15 minutes wandering around without any marks and had lucked onto the runners trail! After running in circles for a bit we realized CP had initially gone the correct way and the walkers had been following trail backwards. It was also around this time we realized that Licks and Sticks was nowhere to be found.

We continued north through the revitalized Shaw neighborhood and eventually found Beer Halt #1 under Interstate Farty-Far. Meth had righted a previous wrong and provided TSA with her favorite beer! The runners waited for the walkers to help us finish things off and someone *accidentally* dropped the 25oz. can of Bud Ice. Still no sign of Licks. We solved a check just past the BH and headed east and eventually South down 39th. The FRBs found a check-back, but not the promised calculus equation. We turned down an alley to find an immediate Hash Halt. We were all together because of the checkback, but stuck around for a minute just in case Licks might materialize but hashers are not a patient bunch so we were off again. We crossed Grand over to the Compton water tower to get our steps in for the day and then hugged 44 for a while before heading back south into Compton Heights for a beer stop in co-Hare Strap Ons backyard. Lo and behold, there was Licks waiting for us. She thought she had been behind us the entire time (like that has ever happened).

Since the walkers were on the runner trail, it ended up being an extended amount of time at the beer stop. Having already consumed his beer, Reach-Around Rabbit tried in vain to get someone to go halvsies on a second beer and then confessed his fear of garage doors. It was time to go. We managed to close the door without pinching any fingers and were back on trail. The 2nd half of trail was basically a straight line back to circle, but the pack did come upon Beer Halt #2 right as the Allergy Apocalypse descended upon us. The wind picked up and the pollen made a beeline for our sinuses while we carried on an intellectual debate on the quality of Yuengling Lager. That beer has NOT won any blue ribbons! Stink Palm found an umbrella on trail and almost flew away Mary Poppins style.

Tased, already tired of being in charge, ceded closing circle to Stink. The typical down-downs were done. Shitty Trail, No Whistles, July Birthdays, etc. Splash MountEm and Eye Swallow were celebrated for (In)significant runs prompting a confused Splash to tell TSA he thought they were together (run-wise). TSA reminded him that he was actually married to Licks. Just Laurens joke landed to awkward silence and then even more awkward calls of *Tits Out*, Im not sure the Vaj prepared her for Big Hump. Hope she comes back though, she was cool (and the next one is free!!). Rabbit got nominated so many times for Hash Shit that Stink didnt even bother to hold a formal vote. Announcements were made and just as she thought she was going to get away with it, TSA got called out for new shoes. To my dismay, we did not beerboard her, but she did take a sip of beer out of the shiny Altra before dumping the rest to waste. Finally we Swung-Low and off to Three Monkeys we went for Pizza and Impossible Burgers.

Tased

Circle: Tower Grove Bandstand

Hares: Maybe It's Methamphetamine, Strap On

RA(s): Tased and Confused, Stink Palm

(In)Significant Runs: Splash Mountem (188), Eye Swallow (190)

Beer Stop: Strap On's Backyard

Hash Shit: Reach-Around Rabbit

On-After: Three Monkeys





Saturday 04/13/2019 #1551


Wednesday 04/10/2019 #1550




Saturday 03/23/2019 #1547

18th Annual Green Dress Run @ Downtown St. Louis

Nobody has written the Hash Trash yet...WHY ARE WE WAITING!?!?!




Saturday 03/09/2019 #1544

LockNut @ Caseyille, Illinois

Nobody has written the Hash Trash yet...WHY ARE WE WAITING!?!?!


Wednesday 03/06/2019 #1543

Record @ A Curated Hell

Hash Trash:

The Hare said the theme to this trail was "PAIN" . But to me pain is grasping a bar wire fence to cross a rushing creek, or slogging thru a freezing waist deep tunnels, or having to watch the Hall Mark channel. This trail was wet feet and sticks in the eyes and missing beer stops. It started in the parking lot of an abandond Pizza Hut in down town old town Fenton (yeah). It was a good turn out for a cold wet night and the hare promising a shiggy trail. Even Cow Cock and Hardly ever Cums were there, and Postage Tramp made an appearance. After chalk talk and dumb questions the hare was away. Dewey kept time and was quite strict about giving him the whole 10 minutes head start. And we are off, Dazed leads the pack behind Fenton Plaza before loosing trail but Flame finds it going under 141, coming out the other side, the pack scatters around looking for TP or anything, we look everywhere as far as Best Buy (remind me to buy ink or copier) finally somebody spots a hare arrow leading into a tunnel under HWY30, Dewey finds the Beer halt. Did anyone notice the great condition of the running surface in that tunnel. we soon left that amazing surface to hit rocks and bushes and branches and water. Turning a hard right next to Dodds Tire we acrossed 6 lanes a 141 and up the steepest road in Fenton (yeah) A ladies check leads up more steep hill till Licks turns around and states that there are no more marks, we are confused because the hare said there were no BJ on this trail, finally Dazed and Dewey go back to the ladies check, and see footprint in the snow leading to TP and trail along HWY 30 and back into the woods, and sticks in the eyes. Another check and more Bush wacking, Just Angela (visiting from Mempis) and TSA find a shot stop with little bottles of Jim Beam and Fire Ball. This is a good spot for a stop and we enjoyed the shots. I opened a Fire Ball, and passed it to Responsiblibibitchl (visting from Bloomington) she drank the whole bottle. The pack works it way down into the woods along Fenton (yeah) City park, Flame and Dazed zoomed down the slippery hill side while the rest of us went down more controlled sliding, another creek crossing and I got to watch Fat Liner, Fake Bake and En Your Endo try to keep their feet dry and failing, then more woods, it was hard to run with all the tangle foot vines and debris on the ground, 2 more creek crossing, and we are out of the woods and into the the city of Fenton (yeah) mulch pile. This would be a great place for a beer stop, no beer stop. Trail goes along a bike path next to the river, as we run we pass the place where the Queen of Heart uses to be, now just a light pole shines on an empty lot this would make a good beer stop, no beer stop. We run under HWY 30, another good spot for a beer stop, no beer stop. We see some arrows left by the hare, right if you want to quit, or straight for more fun. Everybody went straight. Trail leads us into George Winter park. Licks and TSA find a check back, which lets Roadkill lead the pack till he over shoots trail because he always thinks he know where the trail is going. Splash or somebody finds true trail again, more tangle foot to another creek cross. Bring up the rear I saw how the pack deals with this creek crossing, sure we cuss out the hare but nobody stops, everybody just forges thru and scrambles up the bank, ON ON. The pack has become spread out and I can't see many lights but most of us see the turkey-eagle split. Eagles go right. I can only see En Your Endo, I keep looking to my left toward the boat ramps next to the river, its very erie and black and quite, a good place for a beer stop, no beer stop. On Allen rd trails turns hard right and up into more stick in the eye woods. lucky for me and Endo, Splash finds trail for us out of the woods thru Harbor Bluff Estate, up hill, around some gates, and down hill we find the hares reverse witchy way. Right onto Old 141, I know I'm less the a 1/4 of a mile from my car straight dowm old 141, when suddenly a true trail arrow point left up a rocky endbankment, I actually said the f word, what a pointless thing to do, I mean trail is 95% over, I missed the beer stop and now the hare wants us to plod up hill to run behind Sears loading docks, just to plod down again. I mean really. But a true trail arrow is a true trail arrow, so up we go. at the top we meet up with Fake Bake and Just Angela and Fat Liner. Then, Oh MY GOD IS THAT A BN, around the dumpster a Beer stop. Everybody is there but Flame. We figured he is ok just zenning back, I mean he is wearing all black, has no headlight, walking on a dark curvy road with no shoulder. Meanwhile after the beer stop we slide down the hill and run back to the cars. Sometime during the hash we lost Cow Cock, Hardly Ever Cums, Postage Tramp, and Purdy, but we gained a Lock Nut. We had a quick circle because the cop said to leave, Responsiblibibitchl sang a song about loosing a boyfriend to a lumberjack but finding a moose. Just Angela just froze. We had a plethera of chips thanks to Records hissy fit last week about no yellow food. lot of hashers stood in for hasher not there. Splash said he kept his feet dry. Endo got his number 10 headband once Dewey blessed it. After Swing Low we left to go to 026, which is called that because the zip code for Fenton (yeah) is 63026. The time was 10:05 and the only food was what could be microwaved, but they had Blue Moon on draft, so I was happy. ON ON thanks for setting trail Record.


Saturday 02/23/2019 #1541






Wednesday 01/30/2019 #1536


Saturday 01/26/2019 #1535


Wednesday 01/23/2019 #1534






Big Hump Hash House Harriers - St. Louis, Missouri - Established 1999