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Wednesday 01/11/2012 #989

Locknut Monster @ South County

Hash Trash:

tHe TRaiL:

As advertised, LOCK NUT drug the pack on a death march through massive midget shiggy (much at steeper than 45 deg. up and down) that kept ripping cranium gear; multiple wet creek crossings (in January); and a few tunnels of death that were either partially filled in from neglect, or had several concrete and metal protrusions to either rip your eye out or pull a BEND OVER GRANNY.

Didle da...Didle da...Didle da...

Sometime after 7:00 the hare appears on the Casa/Car dealer back p-lot with a nervous pack gathered discussing the impending doom of LOCK NUT trail. For Chalk Talk he's in shorts and a tee shirt rambling on about three trails with crossovers, cliffs of death, absolute cranium lamp requirements, and something about WET BS's. {WET BJ's ... OK ... WET BS's ... when did they start making dehydrated beer? ... ... ... BRILLIANT!}

The pack expected difficult, but not deadly. They scrambled for illuminating lamps and lighters for a signal fire, then ON OUT. After a short jaunt, trail plunged down a hill/cliff of mud and leaves completely covered with trees and vines. The first wet crossing was in the creek crotch with mountain climbing required to continue on or back.

The WET trails (Walker/Eagle/Turkey) continuously split and converged across the wooded shiggy, grassy fields, abandon roads, and bridges. The first abandon bridge required navigating through "Pet Cemetery" like debris piles. Climbing out of that hole, the pack spotted a "WET BN" graffitied on the exit wall. The BS was "nearish" after more viney mountain shiggy (VMS) and a Whichy Way.

The converged WET trail halted the mountain climb at a 100 ft high cliff edge. Without lights a hasher could have missed the hard left and right turns (via Check Back). Only a few trees and vines hung between the trail and the "cliff of death" on one side, and VMS on the other.

Miraculously no hasher tumbled down the cliff (that we know of) and suddenly LOCK NUT and the BS appeared out of the wild woody darkness. The hare was quietly chuckling at the row of hasher lights traversing along the cliff top edge. The BS was part of the rock cliff that stood out like a stiffy in pajamas. It was shrouded in trees with a majestic view of the rock cliff, a lake below, and a fine industrial development park beyond.

Pausing just long enough to slam one and catch a chill, the pack was AWAY tumbling down the trail along the cliff edge. Trail went through yet another "gaping huge vagina" hole in the fence, but this last one had sharp metal teeth. (Think "medieval chastity belt") Finally the pack landed in a maze of an industrial park only to be blown away by the view. This FRB hasher had to stop (that's hard for me) and admire the enchanting view. The lake view was MAGNIFICENT with the huge white rock cliff (where the BS was perched) as a back drop, and the near full moon was poking its face through mystical cloud wisps.

This cosmic bubble was burst as this hasher found himself in a futile foot race with 59 MINUTES and JUST GOLDIE (the dog) behind the last industrial building. Then a CB-11 slammed this FRB pack into DFL's scrambling up yet another endless steep ass hill. The pack finally wound out of the industrial park, only after passing through a BJ!

Just when the pack thought they were out-of-the-woods ... NO! "Back in the bowl" they go ... plunged into another wet creek and the worst bridge tunnel yet. There were short and narrow wet passages with concrete cranium konkers and these wicked rusty metal bolts. These hidden eye rippers were hanging down at the tunnel's end, and the leg slashers (See: 59 MINUTES and POSTAGE TRAMP's) were poking out the sides.

Becoming delirious from hypothermia setting in from frozen blocks of feet, AND anemia from blood loss; the pack stumbled across the last rocky ditch and grassy hill with the beautiful CASA neon sign in the background.

Wounds were attended to as the ragged pack straggled ON IN. This hasher was wet, froze stiff (not in a good way), and blew the popsicle stand before the snow and deep freeze took over the metropolitan area (though it was 50 deg at 7pm).

So.... the CIRCLE went like this...

On On,


So, I've taken a couple weeks off from training- now you poor saps are going to join me a beat'n myself up on this Hash:
St. Louis H3 Hashers will puke from the distance we will run:
Big-Hump H3-Hashers will cry from the distance but will be rewarded w/multiple beer stops:
TDFM H3 - It's a warm-up for Friday night.

Things you might just need:

cranium light
Lube for any virgins that might be there
Camera- we might have sightings of the likes of GladHeAteHer, F_ck Me Rudolph, Ho-Lateral Damage, BJ & the Bear and some other missing in action Wankers.

South County - 11185 South Towne Square, St. Louis, MO: Circle in the back parking lot of the back lot of Casa Gallardo: S Lindbergh and St. Johns Church Road.


From City:  Get to highway 55, and take 55S.  Take it to Lindbergh. Get off on Lindbergh and make a right onto S. Lindbergh.  Turn right onto St. John's Church Rd.  The parking lot is behind the restaurant on the left.  Look for hashers.

From East Bum F*ck Egypt:  Get to the Cairo International Airport.  Schedule a flight to Lambert International Airport.  You may need to take a connecting flight through New York or Newark, but St. Louis is an international airport too.  Take 170 to 77/55S. Follow the above directions from the city.  Look for hashers.

From Illinois aka Near East Bum F*ck Egypt: Take 40/64 into Missouri, then get on 55S.  Take it to Lindbergh. Get off on Lindbergh and make a right onto S. Lindbergh.  Turn right onto St. John's Church Rd.  The parking lot is behind the restaurant on the left.  Look for hashers.

From Kirkwood/West County: Take 270S to 55N. Take 55N to Lindbergh, get off at Lindbergh, making a left.  Make a right onto St. John's Church Rd. The parking lot is behind the restaurant on the left.  Look for hashers.

Map Link:

View Larger Map

If you get lost- and get there late- better know how to follow marks!
Or phone a friend.

If you have questions, contact LockNut Monster @ 314.412.1893.

Big Hump Hash House Harriers - St. Louis, Missouri - Established 1999