G-spot
and I went to the hash on Saturday because we needed the exercise after London
and being sick, so we loaded up our coolers and drove down to what I would call
the crotch of the Metro East, Centreville. (Granite City and Wood River are the
armpits of the Metro East for reference)
I was a little scared by the fact that the place where we were supposed
to meet was called Buddy's Tavern, but that it didn't have a sign. And it across from a church.
When we pulled up, I was surprised by three things:
1.
Buddy's Tavern was not open, nor did it look to have been open in the past five
years 2. There were only 4 hashers present and two of them were hares 3. There
was a spooky abandoned trailer next to our start with the door ripped off and
the windows broken out
Among
the early drinking hashers were G-Spot, myself, Coppus Rejectus, Lizzardo(in
street clothes), Burning Asshole, and Strap On Strap Off.
Fuck
Me Rudolph showed up and replaced Lizzardo who was bound to watch the Cardinals
game. We drank for a bit and BA
suggested that we get started.
I
suggested we wait a little bit in case more people showed up. They didn't.
Oh well. Super Small Circle!! BA and SOSO gave the four of us a chalk talk
which included dots, 4 dot check, and lots of toilet paper.
G-spot
gave a sigh of relief that there were not going to be any 5 dot checks. Boos could be heard coming from the other
three hashers. The hares were blessed,
requested a 15 minute cranium start, then got in their vehicles and drove
away. What the fuck? Luckily SOSO told us to run towards the
church for the start of trail. As we
stood there drinking delicious Budweiser beers, latecummers decided to show up. Numb Buns, Pillow Fucker, and Just Fat Dog
Who Won't Eat A Sunchip got out and cozied up to the square(get it, since there
were only four of us) and told us about their misadventures getting to the
start because of a flooded road.
Pillow
Fucker decided to run with us, so our numbers would be increased.
I
told everyone to kind of stay together so that we wouldn't get raped or killed,
but that only lasted about the first 1/2 mile.
We ran through a garbage infested neighborhood and then across a
seemingly fine open grass field. But we
were fooled because this grass field was actually some sort of hidden bog and
our feet sank into water as the top layer of dirt gave way with every
step. "What the fucking shit! God damn mud bog piece of, Oh God! Fucking wet fucking feet. Asshole!" could be heard coming from the
usually mild mannered G-spot. We ran(and
walked) a little bit further before crossing an open sided train bridge with a
20 foot drop. Luckily there were no
trains. We then darted into a
subdivision and then back down a dirt road to an open field. Well, we thought it was an open field, but it
was actually an abandoned flooded out cemetery.
I've have never seen anything like it hashing before and it was
awesome. Almost all of the gravestones
were broken or missing and the most recent one was from 1971. There were fake flowers on some but they
looked like they had been placed there the decade before. Pretty scary shit. We later found out that it was called the
Booker T. Washington cemetery which explained why SOSO kept drunkenly saying,
"You know, if it's called Booker T.
Washington...it's
gonna be a good time."
Intermission
While
reading sad lost graves, Lock Nut Monster came running of no where and joined
Rudy, G-spot, and me. We could hear the
whistle of Coppus coming out of the woods, so we followed a four wheeler trail
through the forest down to a pretty wide creek.
There was no way to get across without getting wet, so we trudged
through the icy cold water. Lock nut was
able cross a dam made of twigs and garbage to stay dry to our amazement. We then followed garbage along the railroad
tracks and then onto Old St. Louis Road and found more garbage. We also passed an old house with tents in the
yard and a spray painted door with the words KEEP OUT in the driveway. But next to the keep out door was a smaller
scripted sign. Rudy wandered onto the
property to read what it had to say.
This would be a mistake as the house tenants immediately came out. This immediately creeped us out so we took
off. About 2 miles later, we came upon a
bar with a BS in front of it. The people
inside seemed happy to see us and we watched the Cardinals game, drank beers on
the hares, ate pizza and wings, and listening to I'd Just Love To Lay You Down
by Conway Twitty. We got real
comfortable because we were informed by the hares that they were going to drive
us to the next beer stop and that it wasn't
open
yet. They also didn't have time to lay
the second part of trail.
Awesome! We piled up into various vehicles and SOSO
lead the way. We saw that PT's was open,
but SOSO accidentally missed the parking lot and we took the next left. As Rudy and I expresed our excitement, it
immediately frizzled away when we drove past PT's to the hidden strip club
Boxers N'
Briefs. Come on hares! We went inside to an empty male all nude
strip club. It didn't take them long to
realize there were customers and after we got beers, they gay nude male dancing
started. SOSO and G-spot bellied up to
the bar, as well as Rudy and I, but then the fear of balls on our heads, who
said head?, made us take a back seat. They asked if any of us were gay and seemed
disappointed that none of us were. SOSO
told them that it was a bachelorette party for G-spot and that I was the groom
to be. "Who brings the groom to a
bachelorette party...in a gay strip club?"
could
be heard from the dancer on the bar. It
was a hard question to answer. Trying to
be polite, we gave them dollars, but it was mostly to stop rubbing their
penises in our face. I'm pretty open
minded, but when you're squatting in front of us and we're having a conversation
with you about hashing and you're smacking your dick around like it's a cow
udder, come on! We left, bewildered and
thirsty, and got a ride back to the start from the hares. Apparently we lost some hashers after the
club as Numb Buns, Pillow Fucker, and Coppus Rejectus never returned. We can only hope that they are all
right. We started our 6 person circle
with crimes and accusations. G-spot was
given a down down for sleeping in the car during circle at Red Dress. SOSO was given a down down for wearing a
Snuggie in circle. BA was given a down
down for not laying any chick checks.
Lock Nut was given a down down for being late, and Rudy and I gave
ourselves down downs for being so fucking awesome and remembering the words to
every song. Burning Asshole was the only
person to receive a significant run with 140.
There were many more down downs and songs and we decided that the winner
of the hashshit would have to spend 30 seconds in the abandoned trailer of
death. There were many shitty nominations,
but in the end, SOSO got it for bypassing perfectly good titty bars like The
Beaver, and sending us to the cow milking bar.
Drunkenly, we decided that 30 seconds alone in the trailer was too much
for one person, so we all went inside and took the grope shot. We heard something move and then bolted out
of that fucking thing. We then swang low
and went to some impossible to find Irish bar next to the Skyview. Stags were drank, air drums were played with
forks, and then Lock Nut snorted nacho cheese half way up a straw. All I can say is that you missed one hell of
a classy hash! Classy.
Forever
I Shall Remain In The Bond of Hashing, GladHeAteHer