G-spot and I went to the hash on Saturday because we needed the exercise after London and being sick, so we loaded up our coolers and drove down to what I would call the crotch of the Metro East, Centreville. (Granite City and Wood River are the armpits of the Metro East for reference) I was a little scared by the fact that the place where we were supposed to meet was called Buddy's Tavern, but that it didn't have a sign. And it across from a church. When we pulled up, I was surprised by three things:
1. Buddy's Tavern was not open, nor did it look to have been open in the past five years 2. There were only 4 hashers present and two of them were hares 3. There was a spooky abandoned trailer next to our start with the door ripped off and the windows broken out
Among the early drinking hashers were G-Spot, myself, Coppus Rejectus, Lizzardo(in street clothes), Burning Asshole, and Strap On Strap Off.
Fuck Me Rudolph showed up and replaced Lizzardo who was bound to watch the Cardinals game. We drank for a bit and BA suggested that we get started.
I suggested we wait a little bit in case more people showed up. They didn't. Oh well. Super Small Circle!! BA and SOSO gave the four of us a chalk talk which included dots, 4 dot check, and lots of toilet paper.
G-spot gave a sigh of relief that there were not going to be any 5 dot checks. Boos could be heard coming from the other three hashers. The hares were blessed, requested a 15 minute cranium start, then got in their vehicles and drove away. What the fuck? Luckily SOSO told us to run towards the church for the start of trail. As we stood there drinking delicious Budweiser beers, latecummers decided to show up. Numb Buns, Pillow Fucker, and Just Fat Dog Who Won't Eat A Sunchip got out and cozied up to the square(get it, since there were only four of us) and told us about their misadventures getting to the start because of a flooded road.
Pillow Fucker decided to run with us, so our numbers would be increased.
I told everyone to kind of stay together so that we wouldn't get raped or killed, but that only lasted about the first 1/2 mile. We ran through a garbage infested neighborhood and then across a seemingly fine open grass field. But we were fooled because this grass field was actually some sort of hidden bog and our feet sank into water as the top layer of dirt gave way with every step. "What the fucking shit! God damn mud bog piece of, Oh God! Fucking wet fucking feet. Asshole!" could be heard coming from the usually mild mannered G-spot. We ran(and walked) a little bit further before crossing an open sided train bridge with a 20 foot drop. Luckily there were no trains. We then darted into a subdivision and then back down a dirt road to an open field. Well, we thought it was an open field, but it was actually an abandoned flooded out cemetery. I've have never seen anything like it hashing before and it was awesome. Almost all of the gravestones were broken or missing and the most recent one was from 1971. There were fake flowers on some but they looked like they had been placed there the decade before. Pretty scary shit. We later found out that it was called the Booker T. Washington cemetery which explained why SOSO kept drunkenly saying, "You know, if it's called Booker T.
Washington...it's gonna be a good time."
While reading sad lost graves, Lock Nut Monster came running of no where and joined Rudy, G-spot, and me. We could hear the whistle of Coppus coming out of the woods, so we followed a four wheeler trail through the forest down to a pretty wide creek. There was no way to get across without getting wet, so we trudged through the icy cold water. Lock nut was able cross a dam made of twigs and garbage to stay dry to our amazement. We then followed garbage along the railroad tracks and then onto Old St. Louis Road and found more garbage. We also passed an old house with tents in the yard and a spray painted door with the words KEEP OUT in the driveway. But next to the keep out door was a smaller scripted sign. Rudy wandered onto the property to read what it had to say. This would be a mistake as the house tenants immediately came out. This immediately creeped us out so we took off. About 2 miles later, we came upon a bar with a BS in front of it. The people inside seemed happy to see us and we watched the Cardinals game, drank beers on the hares, ate pizza and wings, and listening to I'd Just Love To Lay You Down by Conway Twitty. We got real comfortable because we were informed by the hares that they were going to drive us to the next beer stop and that it wasn't
open yet. They also didn't have time to lay the second part of trail.
Awesome! We piled up into various vehicles and SOSO lead the way. We saw that PT's was open, but SOSO accidentally missed the parking lot and we took the next left. As Rudy and I expresed our excitement, it immediately frizzled away when we drove past PT's to the hidden strip club Boxers N'
Briefs. Come on hares! We went inside to an empty male all nude strip club. It didn't take them long to realize there were customers and after we got beers, they gay nude male dancing started. SOSO and G-spot bellied up to the bar, as well as Rudy and I, but then the fear of balls on our heads, who said head?, made us take a back seat. They asked if any of us were gay and seemed disappointed that none of us were. SOSO told them that it was a bachelorette party for G-spot and that I was the groom to be. "Who brings the groom to a bachelorette party...in a gay strip club?"
could be heard from the dancer on the bar. It was a hard question to answer. Trying to be polite, we gave them dollars, but it was mostly to stop rubbing their penises in our face. I'm pretty open minded, but when you're squatting in front of us and we're having a conversation with you about hashing and you're smacking your dick around like it's a cow udder, come on! We left, bewildered and thirsty, and got a ride back to the start from the hares. Apparently we lost some hashers after the club as Numb Buns, Pillow Fucker, and Coppus Rejectus never returned. We can only hope that they are all right. We started our 6 person circle with crimes and accusations. G-spot was given a down down for sleeping in the car during circle at Red Dress. SOSO was given a down down for wearing a Snuggie in circle. BA was given a down down for not laying any chick checks. Lock Nut was given a down down for being late, and Rudy and I gave ourselves down downs for being so fucking awesome and remembering the words to every song. Burning Asshole was the only person to receive a significant run with 140. There were many more down downs and songs and we decided that the winner of the hashshit would have to spend 30 seconds in the abandoned trailer of death. There were many shitty nominations, but in the end, SOSO got it for bypassing perfectly good titty bars like The Beaver, and sending us to the cow milking bar. Drunkenly, we decided that 30 seconds alone in the trailer was too much for one person, so we all went inside and took the grope shot. We heard something move and then bolted out of that fucking thing. We then swang low and went to some impossible to find Irish bar next to the Skyview. Stags were drank, air drums were played with forks, and then Lock Nut snorted nacho cheese half way up a straw. All I can say is that you missed one hell of a classy hash! Classy.
Forever I Shall Remain In The Bond of Hashing, GladHeAteHer