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Wednesday 07/01/2009 #794

Postage Tramp's Birthday @ Arnold

Hash Trash:

· From Episode X: The Hairy Heart of the Crimson King. “……the bees tore at my flesh and I could here them drunkenly singing. “Wind of change” by the Scorpions. Some of them were terrible singers and like a preschool choir, the poorest singers were placed in the back. The final wave of attacks were unbelievably painful couplings of stings and terrible Donna Summer. I cried myself to sleep in my cyborg’s arms that night”
· From Episode XVI: The Rise of the Manatee.“…..let you guys know that the manatee is being removed from the endangered species list. They are gaining in strength and numbers; it is only a matter of time”
· From Episode III: The Sauce Wars. “…….down by six late in the fourth, the East 4th St Underpass Cougars looked to be beat, but still had heart. Team Captain and lifetime destitute, Stubby Piepans, realized that this game, “The Super Bowl for Hobos” was his to be won. With the game taking place on the surface of the sun 100 years in the future, he realized that he could utilize the fact that the other team was comprised completely of Prince cardboard cutouts and apple cores. He failed to realize that all of this was going on in his mind and he was peaking in a wicked gasoline-huffing trip in a puddle of his own urine outside of Salama Market. Stubby ironically was stabbed that night in a brutal fight over a pile of apple cores. Other hobos dumped his body in a burning trash can and he rose from the flames 3 days later as “HOBOTICUS” a vengeful phoenix who fought for justice and went to the bathroom in jars….for justice.
· From Episode V: Episode 6. “........(no words in this episode, just the clicks of a broken PA and the sounds of a fat person eating an apple) “
· From Episode XX: Saliva; boil your own inside of your body or listen to the band? ”......of all that is holy on earth and heaven, that is the most heinous case of hepatitis I have ever seen. Please get out of my office. I have to call the authorities as you seriously have really bad hepatitis, like the worst I have ever seen. Mr. Obama, you is nasty!”
· From Episode IX: The Winged Gypsies of the Galapagos hurled spears against the makeshift walls of our fortress and they pathetically fell to the ground “……. These discussions involving a type of fluid movement in which all particles of the fluid, flow in a straight line parallel to the axis of a containing pipe or channel with little or no mixing or turbidity were the only thing keeping Mark alive, so they pulled the plug. Everyone cried. Then someone farted and it was really uncomfortable because no one could laugh or punch the person that did it. So they all just stood there, lucid and teary eyed, staring at Mark’s body and smelling the fart smells.”


Shrek: Did you get a chance to read that thing from yesterday?
Roger: Yeah…a little weird. What was that stuff about Hobos? Jokes about manatees? Lame.
Leanne: Doug, that wasn’t even funny…and you wrote about gypsies again! Are you in love with gypsies or what?
Shrek: Sorry guys, I though some levity would be a good idea, considering Roger is in a wheelchair and you, Leanne are now pregnant with an Aids infected baby because I went into your house last month and replaced your birth control pills with m&ms that I meticulously injected with the Aids virus.
Roger: You’re disgusting Doug, I’m calling HR…and this wheelchair will never stop me from achieving my dreams!
Leanne: Yeah, nice try but I am barren; my parents sold my ovaries to gypsies after I was born so in your face!
Shrek: Touché Leanne, you’re still ugly though…and good luck with those dreams Roger, better cross your fingers that no one decides to keep them at the top of the stairs!
Roger: That’s it! I cast a 6-bar Dragon Strike on you! Leanne, enable Flames of Light and Wind Missile! He is weak at his flanks, use your Trident!
Leanne: Haroooo! Haroooo!!!
Roger: Harooo!! The Accounting Department is the Shining Light of the office! Engage!
Shrek: All right, now, this doesn’t make a bit of sense. I’m getting a bagel.
Leanne: Eye of Medusa! I summon the Kraken! THE KRAKEN!!!!!!

You get what you get Dumbass. I hope you find this too offensive and the fish smell never cums out of your clothes.
This is mine and John Mellancamp’s country, the rest of you perpetrating motherfuckers can get the fuck out.

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