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Wednesday 03/18/2009 #772

Fuck Me Rudolph and OCD @ The Dark Side (Dupo, Illinois)

Hash Trash:

OCD, Sextra Credit and I are the only idiots who gave up booze for Lent, so I got stuck writing the hash trash. F**k all of you drunkards. Not only do you flaunt your delicious beverages in front of me, you also force me to write about your lack of morals. Wankers.

At least the hash in Dupo, IL was very easy to find. The directions are quite simple, really. Go past the refineries, stripclubs, antique shops that spell words that should start with a “C” with a “K” (my pet peeve), follow the railroad tracks and stop at the first row of buildings you come to.

The circle started out strong, with Pornogenic singing the chosen theme song of the hash, “Crazy Bitch” by Buckcherry. I think the lyrics are “Hey, you’re crazy bitch but you fuck so good I’m on top of it,” but I preferred Porno’s version which was “You’re crazy and a bitch and we do it so good and I’m on top of things.” Sextra Credit, Titmouse and I tried to teach her the correct lyrics throughout the hash, with no avail.

Fuck me Rudolph and OCD rallied the troops with cries of “Hey, you’re crazy bitch” (remember, it was our theme song), gave a flawless chalk talk and then pranced into the sunset, or incoming Hurricane, to lay a very green trail.

Before following suit, we hammered Just Micheal (Michelle, Mike, ??) with some intense questions for her naming. Her voluptuous bottom actually spoke on her behalf and told us that Just Micheal did a keg stand in a miniskirt, was given the pickup line “nice turd-cutter,” and has illiterate parents. We pondered, questioned some more, and then GladHeAteHer bellowed “On On my darlings” and we ran into the night.

Trail consisted of trecherous playgrounds, rabid labradoodle puppies, cavernous potholes, mutilating shiggy and the most pointless whichiway in history. Full Service Ass Station collapsed from exhaustion, but not to worry, Postage was there to take pictures. Actually, Postage was everywhere like a freakin ninja, popping up behind lamp posts and shrubbery to get action shots. Wierd.

Our beer stop was like stepping into the Bellagio in Las Vegas. One wall was lined with MegaTouch machines, a red velvet curtain hid the high-rollers tables, and Disco Ass discovered a high-tech portable toilet. Oh, and did I mention it was at the VFW hall, which was confusing to PMS, who sat at the American Legion down the street for 4 hours before she realized she was in the wrong place. Don’t worry, she got Hashit for that.

Just Micheal was called into circle at the VFW and after a vote, then a re-vote, then another re-vote, was given her new, glorious name TURD-CUTTER. We celebrated by not hashing in the rain.

We made it quickly back to circle in the downpour, only 2 blocks from the beer stop, where Rudy and OCD looked so sad. Rudy then said “oh golly, I even re-laid the trail in the rain, shucks.” Then Meta kicked him in the shin and ran giggling to our indoor circle.

Circle started, Gladdy was given demerits for using the word “cunt” too many times in one night. Pornogenic grabbed asses. Nurse licked OCD a few times. Whiney Bitch commented on how pleasant the hash was (ha!). Hymen Hunter didn’t flirt with any relatives. Circle ended. All was well.

AND the moral of the story is.....in Dupo they give you free hot wings.


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