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Saturday 12/13/2008 #751

Help Me I'm Wet, Just Aaron & Just Chuck @ Pere Marquette "Burning Hare"

Hash Trash:

'Twas the night of Pere Marquette, when all through Chautauqua
Not a creature was stirring, well  - Just Chuck and Abby (they needed some alone time)
The fire was stoked on the patio with care,
In hopes that racist hasher's soon would be there;
The beer was nestled all snug in the cooler
While visions of us drunk and jumping naked over a firepit danced through their craniums;
And P*ssy Fart in her running shoes and Stinky in his Santa boxer's,
Well we all set off for a hilly run on a shitty shiggy trail,
When out on the trail there arose such a clatter,
"Certain death" is what he cried, Whiney's freakin' scared of heights,
Away to the bluff we all took our time,
Tore open a beer and sat on a cliff.
The beautiful view above the Mississippi River
Gave lust (to Celery) of mid-day snuggling in the grass,
When, what do our wondering eyes should appear,
But a couple of hares, and a cooler full of beer,
With two hares and one harriet, so lively and quick,
I knew it a moment it must be Just Chuck, Just Aaron, and Help Me I'm Wet.
More rapid than eagles their hounds they came (I said came),
And they whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;
"Now, Burning Asshole, Pulls Out Early, Just Sara, and Whiney!
On, Lock Nut MonsterHo Hum, Prancer (that's Ricky), and Disco Ass!
To the bottom of the hills!  To the top of the bluff!
Now run away!  Run away!  Get drunk but don't trip!"
As the virgins, Just Shane, Just Kristin, Just Abby bestow us with their lively jokes (did they  - I don't remember),
Just Aaron explains if they meet with a chick check, show the mounds of pleasure,
So up to the cabin-patio the runners they ran,
With crampy legs, cold noses, and tummy's full of beer, too.
And, then, in a twinkling, I heard from the house
The sounds of 80's tunes lofting about.
As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,
Across the friggin' fire pit, naked Stinky came with a bound.
He was dressed in nothing, from his head to his foot,
And, his balls were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
In an square inch of landing space -  a good spot he found,
The burning hare  - he sat there and took it all in,
His eyes -- how they judged us! his dimples how spry!
His fur was so soft,  his face was agrin!
He was put in the fire and we all watched him die,
And, the smell of his fur was as rank as his judgement;
The fur burned away from his eyeballs with ease,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;
Someone had an idea - let's all get naked and run,
Stinky set out a trail and his nude houds a followed.
We were jolly and cold and gave quite a show.
Half the wankers went inside to enjoy some dancing;
The other half sat by the fire and did I don't know what,
Just dad had given his blessing on the dabauchery and we knew we had nothing to dread:
He spoke not a word, but just shook his cranium,
And filled all the evening with an extra beer stop and Jager,
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
He sprang to his own cabin, to his new friends gave a whistle,
And there were all lay around like a bunch of drunks.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
"Ef all of you wank hasher's, get out of my sight."      
 
Gratefully submitted,
 
Full Service Ass Station


Directions:

Venue: Burning Hare is the first and maybe only hash event ever to take place in the quaint cottages of New Piasa Chautauqua.  The inspiration for the hash comes from a similar but just slightly larger event called the Burning Man.  Learn more about it here.  You won't need a costume for this hash... heck, you may not even need clothes.  Come only with an open mind and be prepared for some radical self expression, reciprocal altruism and serious decommodification with maybe a dash of absurdity and revelry thrown in.  Trying to tell you what the Burning Hare hash will be like is like trying to explain what 'purple' looks like to someone who is blind.  Just come and experience it for yourself.

Dinner will be served.  Bring a chair for the bonfire.  The trail is walker friendly but the terrain is rugged. The warmer the weather the longer the trail but definitely less than 4 miles, and it's supposed to be 50 and sunny!  There is at least one beer stop and view from it is rumored to be spectacular. 

Meet at Fast Eddie's by 2:30.  We'll cranium up there at 3:00. New Piasa Chautauqua is located just off the River Road between Alton and Grafton (closer to Grafton - apx 13 miles from Alton).  Look for the Lighthouse at the entrance.  We're going to leave the gate locked 'up' for a bit, but if you get there and its closed, walk in about 600 feet staying to your left and we'll come let you in.  

We will likely have the village to ourselves but this is a very small and close-knit community and Just Chuck just renovated his cottage.  We in fact, are the first ones to really see it done.  So, in the spirit of
the Burning Man, leave no trace and be kind to all God's creatures.

___________________________________________________________________

Metro Link Station: Hahahahahaha.

Walker/Wheel: Yes.

Bring: Warm clothes, a chair to sit in and a flashlight. It will get darker and colder later. 

Address: Fast Eddie's Bon-Air, 1530 E 4th St, Alton, IL 62002

Map Link

From MO (45 minutes from Downtown): Merge onto I-70 W via the ramp on the left to Kansas City. Take exit 246A to merge onto N 3rd St/N Broadway. Slight left at Halls Ferry Rd. At Halls Ferry Circle, take the 2nd exit onto Lewis and Clark Blvd/MO-367. Slight left to stay on Lewis and Clark Blvd/MO-367. Continue to follow Lewis and Clark Blvd. Continue on Deer Dr/US-67. Continue to follow US-67. Entering Illinois. Turn right at Great River Rd/SR-143. Turn left at Broadway Connector/SR-140. Continue to follow SR-140. Sharp left at E 4th St. Bar will be on the right. They will not let anyone under 21 in.

From IL (50 minutes from Belleville): Take the ramp onto I-255 N. Take exit 6 toward Wood River. Turn left at Alton Rd/Edwardsville Rd/SR-143. Wave to Dewey's place of business on your right, across from Shop N Save. After about 12 miles, turn right at Broadway Connector/SR-140. Continue to follow SR-140. Sharp left at E 4th St. Bar will be on the right. They will not let anyone under 21 in.

For those that think they will be arriving after 3, please follow these directions. You may need to call someone you know is there if the gate is locked.

Address: New Piasa Chautauqua, 17 Alton Ave, Elsah, IL 62028

Map Link

From MO (1 hour 5 minutes from Downtown): Merge onto I-70 W via the ramp on the left to Kansas City. Take exit 246A to merge onto N 3rd St/N Broadway. Slight left at Halls Ferry Rd. At Halls Ferry Circle, take the 2nd exit onto Lewis and Clark Blvd/MO-367. Slight left to stay on Lewis and Clark Blvd/MO-367. Continue to follow Lewis and Clark Blvd. Continue on Deer Dr/US-67. Continue to follow US-67. Entering Illinois. Turn left at E Front St/Great River Rd/Landmarks Blvd/SR-143/US-67. Continue to follow E Front St/Great River Rd/Landmarks Blvd/US-67. Turn left at W Broadway/Great River Rd/SR-100. Continue to follow SR-100. Turn right at Alton Ave. Enter through the gate.  Go approximately 400' to Y in the road.  Road on the left is Springfield. Take the left branch, Springfield, across small bridge and look for Just Chuck's cottage on your right.  Approximately 200' past bridge. We can park anywhere pretty much in front of cottages.

From IL (1 hour 10 minutes from Belleville): Take the ramp onto I-255 N. Take exit 6 toward Wood River. Turn left at Alton Rd/Edwardsville Rd/SR-143. Wave to Dewey's place of business on your right, across from Shop N Save. Continue on E Front St/Great River Rd/Landmarks Blvd/US-67. Turn left at W Broadway/Great River Rd/SR-100. Continue to follow SR-100. Turn right at Alton Ave. Enter through the gate.  Go approximately 400' to Y in the road.  Road on the left is Springfield. Take the left branch, Springfield, across small bridge and look for Just Chuck's cottage on your right.  Approximately 200' past bridge. We can park anywhere pretty much in front of cottages.

From Fast Eddie's (25 minutes): Head east on E 4th St toward E Broadway/SR-140. Sharp right at E Broadway/SR-140. Slight left at Broadway Connector/SR-140. Turn right at Great River Rd/SR-143. Turn left at W Broadway/Great River Rd/SR-100 for about 13 miles. Turn right at Alton Ave. Enter through the gate.  Go approximately 400' to Y in the road.  Road on the left is Springfield. Take the left branch, Springfield, across small bridge and look for Just Chuck's cottage on your right.  Approximately 200' past bridge.  You can't go too far, there is a turnaround at end of Springfield.  We can park anywhere pretty much in front of cottages.

If you get lost or need further assistance, please contact Help Me @ 314-402-6791


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