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Wednesday 07/09/2008 #717

Viper Snatch/Bama Mate/Hog Tool/Lock Nut Monster @ 2nd Annual Record Breaker Hash

Hash Trash:

The hashers met last night in South City, in an Industrial Park, which is my favorite kind of park. It's so...what's the word...industrial...yeah. Everyone parked wherever they could and craniumed toward the back of some manufacturing place for circle. I expected a lot of people, since this was the record breaker hash, but was not expecting as many backsliders. We'll get to that in a bit. We circled up for our lovely R.A. GladHeAteHer, while Viper Snatch and Bama Mate, the sexy half of the haring foursome, passed out raffle tickets for fun, summertime prizes. The R.A. brought the virgins in to let them know what not to expect and HogTool and Locknut Monster, the sweatier hares (hmmmmm), gave a chalk talk that seemed to forget to demonstrate how to sweep the checks for those that tend to get lost. More on that later as well.
Sometime during circle, Frozen Cum Shot distracted me by fashioning a new rack for Viper, making me laugh so hard I almost pissed myself and I accidentally volunteered to be scribe. During roll I was again distracted by Postage Tramp, who seems to talk even more now that he isn't R.A.ing quite as often, if that's even possible. So as he's yapping away about whatever it was the "she" said, I was engrossed in the fact that I knew relatively few of the people there. So everyone is yelling out their name, Just, Just, Just, Just, Turd Burglar, Just, Blows Like a Freight Train, Cum Goggles, Just, Just, Just, Just Jen A*., la di da, oh...crap...me? Dewey Sexual System! Note to self: stay away from Frozen and Postage...damn trouble makers.
The hares were blessed and away, so we brought our GMs into the circle for a quick naming. Purple Muffin' Stuffin' did her best Vanna White impersonation, while CliffBangHer stammered through Just Jen A's* questionnaire. Lots of good stuff involving wine, Twinkies, orgies, why the exit is an exit and her unwillingness to sleep with You Had Me at Herro based on his ethnic background. Oh, and she hates references to the Fast and the Furious, even though she's Asian and likes cars. Un-American if you ask me. So we got rid of her and shouted out ideas. For this Cliff brought out the loud speaker, which apparently wasn't good enough for Gladdy to use during circle. Since Goat Fucker has been take (yay!) we now only need to get rid of Gei Blade and Cum Guzzling Gutter Slut as names. I missed a lot of the names, seeing as I had to use the facilities, as did I Cunt Hear You. There was also a conversation between Blows and Pee Pole about a cement boob somewhere. Basically it was Blows going "Hey! Did you see that piece of cement over there? It looks like a tit!" Now I had just been over there and did not see said tit, so I have no idea what was going on. This would be a running theme for the rest of the evening. Back to the names: others were offered, like Cream Filled, Anal, Red Red Wino, Coin Slot, No Bananas in My Tailpipe, finally settling on a name. As we all quietly stood and stared, Just Jen A* got onto her knees for the last time under that name, Sexorcist kindly offering a knee pad to ease her pain. We all waited with anticipation while it took Cliff 15 minutes to get this simple phrase right: "In the name of Gispert and all other great hashers who came before you, you will forever in the hashing world be known as..." (Not that hard, right?) Fist in my Furry Ass!!!

Finally we were out on trail. Confusion came within a few minutes, when it became apparent that no one had listened to chalk talk. I remember Bama mentioning the "W" on trail meaning walker, but I think a lot of people failed to realize that if it is just a W it's walker trail, if it's both W and dots then it's runner/walker trail. Or maybe I have that wrong, it turns out it didn't really matter. I also want to point out that when you read what I have to say about my time on trail, you'll be amazed that Hummers Para Libre, Do My Butt and I did not receive the hashshit. The three of us decided to "run" the walker trail, seeing as no one was really looking for the walker trail anyway. Off we go, into the wild blue...oops, never mind. We follow the "W" for about one, then I see toilet paper and yell for them to follow. Well, this is weird, why would they take the walkers under the overpass to rail road tracks. So completely ignoring that we were going on the walker trail, down we go. Cliff managed to realize we were actually on the running trail and followed. This is where I get pissed. Here I am, front of the pack and what do I find? Check Back Fucking 20. I'm forever doomed a life of DFL.
I trot back, pick up my 2 little ones and a Plot My G Spot on the way, who wasn't able to go to the bathroom because the gas station attendant was on a power trip. We're pretty far back, but luckily we see this large mud/rock hill with Herro and Ricky's Crab Shack IWOOAIWNYAIJWTPTO at the top. The four of us trudge up the monster and through a slightly residential neighborhood. We also find I Feel Tower. He said he was on the walker's trail, so we follow him. Except he's following Ricky and all of the W marks look like Ms. I start to question these actions, but we come to a fence, squeeze through it and stumble upon a lot of other hashers. They all seem to be waiting to go down something, single file style. Screw this! Following I Feel and Ricky, the four girls jumped off the wall into the jungle below. Somehow I get stuck behind Herro and in front of Pubic Head, which makes me feel like I'm in the shit in Nam. Charlie! Are you? We get farther and farther behind when DMB realizes she lost her phone. Serves her right, she doesn't even have Google Maps on that thing! We heard hashers in the distance and ran through the shiggy to find a WS! Watermelon balls! Yes! Hummers, DMB and I all had mud on our faces and shiggy in our hair, luckily Viper and Bama were feeding them to people. Whiney Bitch found DMB's phone, in case none of you gave a shit like me.
Since we were last, except for Help Me I'm Wet although she was handling two canines, the hares were away and we soon followed. This time there appeared to be no walker trail and we traded G-Spot for Strap On-Strap Off. She knows how we "run" and was quick to join. This was probably the worst decision she ever made. Well, maybe the second, seeing as she did get a name for an unspeakable act. Gross. But I digress. We catch up again with I Feel, get a little confused in someone's backyard and came upon a very enticing pool. We weren't sure about the fence connection and decided not to jump in considering the dog next door looked menacing. Where is Celery when you need her, she's crazy enough to do it! Onward we go, cutting through an alleyway where we found a large mug and smelled moth balls, which we later found out was meth labs, but I won't tell you how. We come to a check, but so far non of them were marked, so we didn't expect this one to be. We check in all direction, Hummers stopping to ask a Jesus look a like on his ciggy break if he saw any crazy runners. Immediately after this I realized I was the scribe. Seconds later, as we came upon a 7-11 and suspicious looking liquor stores, DMB points out that we still have black mud all over our face. Great, the quickest way to be killed? Let people think you're racist and mocking them by coloring your face in. Great. Add to that Hummers just asked a guy if he saw crazy people! I Feel let us know it would be okay and that when we were getting raped he would jog off to find help. After all, it will take awhile, there being four of us and all. Have you heard about his dental work? Anyone?
We get to the end of the street, where there was an opening leading us to another set of train tracks. Hummers spotted a group of hashers in the distance and even though the dots went left down the tracks, we crossed them and went back to the street. Where there were NO DOTS. None. I guess any group of people walking around at night in a questionable neighborhood must be hashers, right Hummers? Oh, and DMB thought everyone that was Asian and wearing yellow was Herro. We go left, since the direction of the actual dots went that way and SO-SO spots the BN.
We get to the BS and find everyone there waiting for us. Actually they weren't, there were so many people I don't think anyone noticed who was missing. We may not have even been DFLs, I didn't know. I overheard a conversation between Haley's Comet and Frozen, about what Frozen was using to blow up the water balloons (hint: his was blowing them with his mouth), if it was water, beer, helium. Helium? Ok? Frozen's reply: Frozen air. Hahahahahahaha. Funny stuff. But then Haley asked me where he got the Frozen air and I had to walk away. Again, the hares left, we followed and I attempted to see just how lost I could get.
I approach Cum Goggles and Sextra Credit who seem to be knowing where they are going. Now, I'm still with I Feel, DMB and Hummers, so I know who not to listen to. Also closeby are Drop Dead Hummer and Just Gina and farther up is Just Caden, who stopped taking pictures and smoking long enough to run for a while. Nice little group we have, except no trail. This was the second time? Third? Who cares? Eventually Cummy Gs, Sextra, Hummers and I find trail with Just Caden;  the other losers were forced to be DFLs because they didn't believe us. Finally, back to the circle where Gladdy grabbed the mega phone to lead circle, although for as large a group as it was we were pretty quiet.
The main points of circle included everyone being brought in for wearing hash attire, the hares for having a shitty (or was it shiggy?) trail, Whiney and Celery tongue twister, Stink Palm and Pees Like a Princess for not wearing shirts, although Stinky was wearing a sweater, racist (not the DMB kind) behavior like Legs Over Easy and her Mackland Mile (she tried to accuse McGutterSlut, but he was not displaying his racist behavior by wearing the shirt), backsliders like Hopeless, Hot Doggie Style, Mother Theresa, Pee Pole, Puss N Boobs, the list goes on. And Little Spoon Full of Shiggy, for freaking leaving us for Tex-ass.

Virgins included: Just Chris F ($6000 Woman made him cum flashed ass), Just Dave C. (Fuck Me Rudolph made him cum, flashed hairy chest), Just Eric W. (Just Laura/Janet made him cum, pedophilia joke), Just Janet B. (Just Laura/Janet made him cum, pedophilia joke), Just Kelley K. (Legs Over Easy, funny joke), Just Nina S. (Just Lauren/LockNut, boobies!) and Just Steve N. (Goatfucker made him cum, did the Goat/Fruit Basket). Not sure if these are accurate, but I remember body parts and jokes, but not sure if the names match.


Significant runs included: Dewey, Cliff, Celery, Hummers, Hog Tool, Jack Rabbit Slim, I Have a Dick, Legs, Nurse Hashit, Long Duk Dong, Princess, Postage and Just Mike, with 20. How does he not have a name?!? Very significant runs were: Hopeless, Viper and Lock Nut all with 69, Cummy Gs and Legs with 10 and Sexorcist with 100!
When we got to hashshit nomination, Whiney started us off by throwing Postage under the train by letting us know that when he was looking for trail, he was standing on a true trail arrow. Hummers was nominated for following "hashers," then double nominated with Dewey and DMB for war-like behavior, Fuck Me Rudolph for not taking pictures of pretty, young virgins, the cop that was distracting Viper, Bama and Dos Hixxies all night, Jack Rabbit for thinking that made Rudy a gentleman (or for trying to steal my joke about Stinky's sweater!) and Little Spoon, for an excuse to get rid of the back pack hashshit. Since we had 2, it came to a trial by down-down, although they both got one, so it was who got the worse one. I'm sure Little Spoon would have gotten it regardless, but still it was fun to watch. Rudolph won by a nose (NO PUN INTENDED!) and the back pack will be hidden away in Texas, until The Spoon that is Little returns. You will be missed :(

The directions to the on-after were to make a right (not left!) out of the park, the bar will be on your right. Considering I got lost the entire trail, I followed Sexorcist and Whiney's vehicles. Yep, still went to the "wrong" one. It was still fun and there were still hashers, food and beer so it all worked out in the end. Gladdy set his watch back to make PMS think real time was "bar time." Flossit with a Faucet and Puss N Boobs showed up to drink a beer with Fist in the Furry Ass. All in all? Shitty trail :)


DFL 4 Life,
Dewey S. System


PS, the record was not broken. Last year there 84, this year 79. Close, but close only counts in hand grenades, horseshoes and shit flingin.'



Big Hump Hash House Harriers - St. Louis, Missouri - Established 1999