Did anyone else get the feeling of Deja Vu' when they got to the hash? I know I did. Feeling overly confident with a cooler full of Stag and a '70s record player in my trunk, I pulled up to the same stinking place as last Wednesday's hash, Turtle Park in Dogtown. Although it's mostly known for cement reptiles, it is also known for it's loud interstate right next to it. Great for grope shots, but not so much for drunken circles. My confidence wavered as I walked around the park and found a Turkey/Eagle Split 20 yards from the start. Might be a long trail. 4 beers would put an end to that possible Eagle for me. We circled up and the Hares quickly gave us a chalk talk. It consisted of dots, true trail arrows, and a shitload of Turkey/Eagle Splits. After the Hares were blessed and were off, we circled up to ask Just Carina some questions. Apparently she was a world class ice skater. This seemed like a poor excuse for her scarred knees, but the pack bought it. We also found out that she makes shitty pankcakes and her favorite sexual position is Cowgirl with spurs. Kinky. She was taken away and the pack used all of the creative juices it had flowing to cum up with names like Fisty Ramycoochie, Ima Hoochie, Homewrecker, Flap Jack Flip Fuck, Tanya Hard On, Rug Burns, and Frozen Cream Suckle. But in a name-off, she was named ZamBoner, which was later changed to ZamBoneMe. Welcum to the hash ZamBoneMe!
Having had all of our juices drained, we sucked back another beer before craniuming out. Lazy asses went left, racists went straight, but we all met back up on Hampton before entering the dreaded Forest Park. The high humidity and high temps made us a shiny sight to behold for all of the cops on horses and Muny opera goers. We raced through trees, and sidewalks, and fountains. We split apart and came back together again and again and again. We raced through the golf course and back up Skinker, but still no beer stop. The hares warned us that the stop would take a little while to get to but we never thought it would be that long. Disco Ass found a giant Cheshire Lodge sign to use as a fan to cool him off as he ran and Celery hopped a golf cart to shorten the death march. Once we finally made our way into woods, echoes of Beer Near could be heard, but it could have just been my ears playing tricks on me. We finally found the lovely BS surrounded by a bunch of dry hashers. Burning Asshole asked to leave his day job at Steak N Shake early to join us and many beers and waters were consumed. The second half of trail was considerably shorter and before we knew it, we were greeted by the sight of those damn concrete turtles. Concrete cups were passed out to the delight of Jack Rabbit Slim and Fuck Me Pumps who used them to keep their teets in place. We circled up and let the hares know just how shitty their trail was. FRBs were awarded and Backsliders were welcumed back with open legs and a reminder of how to do a proper down down. Very significant runs were Bama Mate with 250, Strap On Strap Off with 50 and Cum Goggles with 10. And I must say that the blessers of the cranium bands did a fine job. SOSO was overheard saying, “This really doesn't smell good. My eyes are starting to burn.” Classic. Hashshit nominees included Fuck Me Pumps for a big mouth, Cum It Out for not knowing how to fill it up, PMS for a double nomination, PMS as a representative for DMB, and the Hares speaking in racist terms during chalk talk. All were dismissed and did their down down except PMS as a representative for DMB and the Hares for a racist chalk talk. In a trial by down down, PMS just barely beat out Stink Palm and thus the Hares were awarded the most dreaded of all Hashshits, the Concrete Cup.
Venue: Nope, I didn't foroget to update directions! Hash will again be in Turtle Park. Maybe we should do a grope shot on the turtles this time! Eat a Bloody Bitch will be in town this week, come out and say hey.
Metro Link Station: 1.5 miles away @ DeBalivier Station.
Wheel/Stroller/Dog friendly: Both trails are dog friendly but not wheel friendly.
Shiggy or flashlight: There is some light shiggy - watch your footing and you'll be fine. You won't need a change of shoes but a flashlight and some bug spray is probably a good idea.
Walker trail: I need a walker to show up early so I can show him or her where the beer will be stashed in case they beat us to the beer stop. Please call me on 314-277-6345 and let me know you'll do it.
Address: Oakland Ave at Tamm Ave, St. Louis 63139
BelleVegas: Take the ramp on the left onto I-55 S/I-64 W/I-70 W/US-40 W. Continue to follow I-64 W/US-40 W. Merge onto I-64 W/
Eville: I-270 to I-255 to I-55 S/I-70 W/US-40 W toward St Louis/Memphis. Continue to follow US-40 W. Merge onto I-64 W/
Downtown St. Louis: Merge onto I-64 W/
North St. Louis (Florissant): I-270 W. Take exit 26A to merge onto I-170 S toward Clayton. Turn left at Eager Rd. Slight left to stay on Eager Rd. Take the ramp onto I-64 E/
South/West St. Louis (Sunset Hills): Merge onto I-44 E. Take exit 286 for Hampton Ave. Turn left at Hampton Ave. Turn left at Berthold Ave. Turn right at Tamm Ave. Park will be straight ahead, look for hashers. You’ll most likely have to park on the street since there is not a lot of room.
On- After: Seamus McDaniel's, 1208 Tamm Avenue St. Louis, MO 63139 (314) 645-6337.