A New Year, a new goal: to finally go hashing again. With new work hours, our young harlot Dewey Sexual System
ventured out from the east side to somewhere across the river. Luckily
she did not have to take Hwy 40, because we all know (now) that it's
shut down. As she happened upon the park in which hashing was supposed
to (and did!) take place, she saw cars FULL of hashers awaiting the
run. "Wow!" she said, "I've never seen so many hashers before! I wonder
what is the cause of this?" She later found out there was none, just
people that were tired of sitting inside their warm houses all day and
need to get out into the cold, brisk, winter air.
We had to park away from the park, in a parking lot. Pulling all
our cars in tight to block the wind we tried to fit all of the extra
people into our circle. There were 25 virgins! Apparently a bus had
broken down, so Two Fuck Canuck pulled coat after coat out of his
huge Canadian vehicle (damn square wheels) in order to warm the models
of the Abercrombie and Fitch photo shoot. They were travelling across
country (13 females and 12 males)* and their bus broke down! Oh no!
Lucky for us they were thirsty and needing to stretch those long, tan
Have you ever been to Simpson Park?
I have, obviously, last night because that's where the hash was. It is
beautiful! I mean, really, breathtaking. Wow. Back to those models,
though. Did you know that A&F models are trained in thigh massage?
Goodness gracious. I have never seen Strap On (clap, clap) Strap Off look so happy! She had those tight jeans on, so I don't think enough circulation was being pumped to her thighs, luckily Just 1**
was there to help. So off we ran through the park, outside the park;
beautiful models chasing us, until we see the most wonderful of
things...a BS! Into a bar we went, jaws dropping as we strutted into
the bar with a pack of hotties. Lock Nut Monster strolled in with Just 22 and Just 16 and
a guy asked for his autograph. Drinks were shared, photos taken and
laughing ensued. It was a great Beer Stop. Possibly the best, for those
that missed it. Meta Arsehole and Burning A$$hole did body shots on the bar off of Just 24 and Just 6 while Help Me I'm Wet really got wet from the strip tease she got from
Just 13 and Just 5. Wow, I got hot and bothered just watching.
We started the run back, but noticed that we were missing some
people. Just then 2 hashers stepped out from behind the bar, followed
by 3 models: GladHeAteHer and Plot My G Spot. I'm not sure what they were doing back there with
Just 2, Just 20 and Just 17,
but I'm sure it was spectacular. We ran through mother nature's finest
before arriving at the on-in. We circled up and made some claims (one
including Do My Butt wanting to be peed on), Gladdy peed his Nerd Name and hash shit was given to Cliffy, not that it was all bad, because Just 8 and Just 14
got on their knees to help it go down a little easier.
So it was time, finally time to jump in the lake. It looked so
cold and frozen. We all looked at each as we slowly stripped down.
Without a thought, Pees Like a Princess took a running start and with a gurgled scream dove into the chilly waters. But he never came up!
Nurse Hashshit peeled off the rest of her layers and dove in. Postage Tramp tried to sneak off, but he was mauled by Just 4 and Just 10 as they tackled him into the water.
I Have A Dick was carried in by four nude Adonis', Just 3, Just 15, Just 25 and Just 11. Finally craniums began to bob up (and down. And up. And down.) in the water. "Come on in!" they yelled. The last of us,
Just Nick, Just Sherry and Just Still-No-Fucking-I-Deer What-His-Name-Is,
hopped in. To much surprise, it was warm! Hot even! Cliffy had found us
a hot spring! We splashed around for hours, 18-ish hashers swimming
naked with 25 20-something models. We even gave up on the on-after.
Sometime around 5 in the morning, after the world's longest orgy
(seriously, I already spoke with Guinness today) we pulled our sweaty
limbs from each other and bid the models adieu. They will be missed.
So that was it. For those that missed it: F-you. Much Love.
Dewey Sexual System
*Not in pictures. Since they are models we would have had to pay them.
**Names changed to protect the (not-so) innocent. Men are odd, women even.