Once upon a time (November 28th, 2007), in a land far far away (Fairview Heights) there was a Princess who lived in a very big palace called Gordman’s. One day the Princess’ Nurse, Hash Shit said to him, “Princess I must leave you to guide my people on a journey through Fairview Heights.” Heartbroken, the Princess replied “Please, take me with you, I shall assist you on your journey and repay you for all of the times you dressed me in my shiny undergarments.” Realizing she could use the help, Nurse Hash Shit agreed. She called her people the hashers and gathered them outside the palace to instruct them on following her trail along this journey. “Trust me” she said, “I shall not steer you wrong, and if you should come across a troublesome spot, just look a little closer.” With that said, Nurse Hash Shit and Princess were off, leaving the hashers inspired.
After much strategic planning, the appointed leader, Postage Tramp, instructed the hashers to head out on their journey. They came upon the first obstacle of the evening and without any hesitation Ricky the Elf stepped up and said “I know where to go, first we must go through the seven layers of the candy cane forest, through the sea of swirly twirly gum drops, and then walk through the Lincoln Tunnel. The hashers were a bit puzzled at first but decided to let him lead the way so they could get a nice look at his panty lines.
As they continued on, Keyless Entry came across a dead squirrel in the road. It appeared to be a suicide attempt by their very own Dead Squirrel’s close cousin. They stopped for a moment of silence to remember Merle. Understanding Dead Squirrels painful loss, they instructed her to keep moving. She blessed Merle with the traditional humping and grinding motion above the dead carcass. Merle’s spirit was lifted to Squirrel Heaven and the hashers continued on their journey.
Upon entering what was not quite a candy cane forest, the hashers came across a beautiful blue treasure chest. Postage Tramp opened the treasure chest to find what looked like medicine. “What could this be? Is it poison? Should we eat it?” the hashers questioned. Pornogenic and Postage decided they would be the first to try this mysterious gelatinous substance. With the assistance of Strap-On Strap-off and Pulls Rank the substance was administered. Postage, a little skeptical of the oral administration insisted it be given to him rectally. Without blinking an eye, Pulls Rank stepped up to the plate. “Bend over Postage, this may be a little cold” she said. Quickly the others realized Pornogenic had the appropriate method and followed her lead. With their energy recharged the hashers were off again.
They ran and they ran and they ran and ran until they finally came upon another treasure chest. This one was a bit larger and there was no question what was inside of it. BEER!!! Shouts of joy were heard for miles as the thirsty hashers guzzled down this delicious treat. They stayed for just a short while and then continued onward.
They ran for a bit longer and crossed a beautiful building with bright orange lights reading “HOOTERS”. With great temptation to stop, the hashers persisted on. A short jaunt later they came back to the Palace of Gordman’s where they found their fearless leader Nurse Hash Shit and her Princess. “What was the point of that”, they cried “We are right back where we started.” “There was no point, really”, Nurse Hash Shit replied. Then with a shrug of the shoulders the hashers commenced in drinking beer and eating chips.
They circled up to reminisce about their experiences on the journey. They sang songs, laughed, and snuggled like little penguins sharing each other’s body heat. A beautiful trophy with a rubber vessel was given to Princess and Nurse Hash Shit for Princess boycotting the gas station for its ridiculously high gas prices and later running out of gas leaving Nurse Hash Shit to come to his rescue.
They followed the beautiful orange bright lights to HOOTERS where they ate poisonous shell fish and drank more beer. Dos Hixxies, PMS, Postage Tramp, Elbow Deep in the Bread Box and Jack Rabbit Slim discussed the possibilities of drinking each other’s left over cereal milk. Everyone except Dos Hixxies and Jack Rabbit Slim said they would in fact drink each other’s left over cereal milk. Documentation was made and there will be cross cereal milk drinking in the near future for these hashers and any others wishing to partake.
The night was over and the hashers headed home, but not before G-Spot could wrestle a wicker reindeer and get harassed by the Hooters management. NOW it was time to go!
And they all lived happily ever after….The End!
Jack Rabbit Slim