Wednesdays in Illinois: usually suck, so I have to drive my a$$ alllllllllllllllll the way across the river to Missouri, to enjoy the company of strangers drinking delicious beer. What was so different about this Wednesday? I didn't have to drive far! And I got Stag! I heart Illinois!
Jobless-Smokeless-Dewey-Sexual-System returned after a 5-6 week hiatus this Wednesday, and all I get to show for it is to write the trash. I've been reading on the website about these huge turnouts the hash has been getting. And then you came to Maryville, where things come to die. And 20 people showed up. What happened to the other 50?
Things started out like a typical hash. We circled up and got ready for chalk talk...wait...is that a prelaid chalk talk i stepped into? I can only imagine what this says for the rest of trail. To top it all off, out lovely hare, Pees like a Princess, decided that some of the markings weren't really going to be on trail. so he rossed them out. Silly, silly Princess.
We also held circle right in the middle of the bike trail and was told by one fast moving cyclist that this was a "bike trail" not a "standing around drinking beer" trail. Sheesh. Doesn't he know there's a speed limit on those trails?
The pack was out tearing through the streets of Maryville. Someone pointed out that we passed three bars. Hmmm. Interesting. Ah well, there must be something better ahead. A man was spotted in the doorway with no shirt on and his pants undone. More running and circling through side streets and we emerge...upon an ice cream stand? Running and dairy, sounds almost as good as running and beer. But not quite, so an exasperated Duzzy Cum hit up the convenience store with a twelver of Beast Light. Goes down smooth. Anything with Premium and Quality on the can has to be, right? The walkers show up, driven in Lazy Ass' van by Hummers Para Libre. That sounds terrifying. Plot my G Spot and I Have a Dick demonstrated the way to properly eat chocolate covered bal...er...bananas. The former without nuts and the latter with. I said nuts.
Since Ass Backwards and Lock Nut Monster didn't stop to enjoy the frozen (sad. we miss frozen) treats, we thought we should catch up to them and the real beer stop. Along the way, CliffBangHer scream like a girl when a frog was thrown at him. It was the size of my thumb, Cliff, you should be used to that. More beer was produced, the pack gathered and we headed back to the beginning.
Circle was great. We stood behind the bike trail building to avoid all those night riders that weren't there and we had a nice little cooler valley to look down into. Some virgins were introduced, although I can't remember their names. I do remember a knock-knock joke that started, "Knock knock." "Who's there?" "Norma Lee." "Norma Lee who?" This is when I stopped listening, because Little Spoonful of Shiggy finished the joke with, "Norma Lee I would be showing my tits, but instead you get this lame joke." Which I'm sure was a lot better than the actual joke. I don't remember the other joke. Unless you're showing a body part as the punchline, leave the jokes at home ladies (and fellas!). I tried to make an announcement (announcement, aNOUNcement) about America's Next Top Model auditions, but the drunken hashers thought I said Saturday morning at "night" instead of Saturday morning at "nine." This was apparently hilarious and much laughter ensued. Bastards. Then there was debate about where the on-after was and who still served food. Luckily we got to Sharky's 10 minutes before they closed the kitchen, so there was only a little spit in the food.
Missed you guys.
On-On,
Dewey
NEW TIP:
"When you're in circle and want to speak, hold your beer
over your cranium and wait for the RA to recognize you"
MetroLink = NO
Walker/Wheel Friendly = Walker Yes. Wheel Not really
Location: Running Trail Pavilion off of Parkview St, Maryville IL
Directions:
From Highway 64:
Go north on 159 into Maryville. Turn right on Main street. After Crossing the Running Trail,
take the next left (Parkview St). Follow the street until you see hashers on your left
From Highway 270:
Go South on 159 into Maryville. Turn Left on Main street. After Crossing the Running Trail,
take the next left (Parkview St). Follow the street until you see hashers on your left
On After: To Be Determined
For more info or if you get lost call Princess at 618-581-3224