Three Midgets and Dewey...
Big-Hump Hash #614 began in a run-down slum in Edwardsville, Illinois. I fear the once solid “all for one and one for all” hash of yore is soon going to divide into the East Side derelicts, and the normal Missouri A-Team. It’s going to be worse than the Crips vs. the Bloods. Worse than Cubs vs. Cardinals. Worse than America vs. the World! But I digress.
Our doodyful hares gathered us for chalk-talk. There was PMS, Dewey Sexual System, Any Cock’ll Do, and Tippecanoe and Fuck Me Too. What the hares did not tell the pack was that Hammertongue and Turd Burglar agreed to set the trail for double-BJ’s all around. PMS taught the young’ns all she knows, and the ladies maxed and relaxed while the fellas laid trial.
After chalk-talk, the “hares” high-tailed it straight to the BS.
In the meantime, the pack craniumed out, chasing the beer. All was well until I, FRB, found a Check Back that wasn’t mentioned in circle. “CB6” in fact. After much searching, it was noted that sometimes 6 can really mean 5, and somehow I found true trail. I led the pack through intense shiggy where trees and shrubs and flowers were uprooted. As my faithful pack followed behind me, there was almost a fatality as we came across ROUS’s (Rodents of Unusual Size), only to realize that we simply had a lot of dogs on trail.
In the thick of the shiggy, I noticed a smell, similar to the smell you’d smell at a Dead concert, or even Snoop Dogg. Similar to the smell you’d smell from Crystal Meth Elliott and Shut the Fuck Up Tyronne. And suddenly GladHeAteHer and Disco Ass were gone.
I couldn’t let the rest of the pack down, though, so those slackers were on their own and I led the rest of the pack to the Beer Stop where the hares had already drank their body weight in Stag. We sang some Hall and Oats. Ricky almost got the crabs again. Viper Snatch painted Lazy Ass’s toenails. Dude Where’s My Bra (formerly Just Laurin) excused herself to take a dump. Sexorcist didn’t show at the Beer Stop because he took a detour when he saw that church was letting out. The virgins all had an orgy in the back room where Postage Tramp and Urine Trail watched from the closet. Meta Arsehole was testing out the new mirrors he attached to the tops of his shoes. Pees Like a Princess was spotted hash flashing his own junk. It was your average Beer Stop. But they did have $3 pitchers.
I led the pack back to circle where I alone was FRB. Norman Bates and Ass Backwards, being DFLs brought Gladdy and Disco back to circle, but they were useless. FeFe was so disgusted with the trail that he puked. Mother Theresa left circle to do cartwheels on the playground. The hares barely beat out Gladdy for the hashshit, but the four lovely ladies get to share the honor.
Then to the on-after where we ate diarrhea nachos and fried cheese. Just Laurin with tons of good dirt was named “Dude, Where’s My Bra” thanks to Frozen Cum Shot by proxy through the marvels of modern technology. Gotta love Frozen.
Do My Butt
(Some of the events and names in the above hash trash have been changed to protect the innocent. But, it could have happened.)
Hares will be away at
We’ll meet at
We’ll provide a walker’s map.
Take 255 to hwy 270 to 157 north left off of ramp
On 157 turn left off of the ramp
157 will fork, veer to the right (don't go through SIUE)
Follow 157 until you can't go anymore.
On St. Louis street - go left
Turn Right on elm
Turn Left on grand
Turn Right on Terry and follow that to the Hoppe Park parking lot
If you get bored, lost, confused, panicked, excited or need further directions, call Dewey Sexual System at 618-795-5305