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Wednesday 01/10/2007 #595

Disco Ass & Huggy Bear @ ???

Hash Trash:

The Phantom Beer Stop

The pack gathered for Big-Hump hash #853,000,000. It was a huge milestone. I, your humble scribe, was excited to see some serious backsliding hashers that I thought only existed in the half-minds of our current old-school hashers. Madame Yuck showed up, and with the things I’ve heard about her, I swore she was made-up. Anthrax Tampax, Pornogenioc, Flossit with a Faucet, Norman Bates, and Help Me-I’m Wet all showed up to see what’s been going on in their beloved hash. I can only guess that they’ve been hearing WONDERFUL things from Queen of the Pussies and Lizzardo.

Our faithful hares, Disco Ass and Huggies gathered us around for chalk talk. They did the hash right by making it a Mad Cap Dash, and dismissing any cranium gear violations for the evening. As I glanced around the circle, trying not to volunteer to scribe, I checked out all the mad caps. It was a Hummers Para Libre vs. Dewey Sexual System cage match on whether a giant novelty cowboy hat or tiny novelty cowboy hat was sexier. Maybe if that’s ALL they were wearing we could have decided. Just Jeff had to borrow a Buster Brown/Mary Poppins chapeau from Viper Snatch who made sure every hasher had a mad cap. Turd Burglar showed up looking like the Skipper from Gilligan’s Island. PMS had an identity crisis when she started out as a witch, then switched it up to the red hat she wears to Bingo. Pees Like a Princess shows his love for his name again with a sparkly dangling star hat made for royalty. And with the frightful weather, it was the perfect hash theme to keep all the hashers’ mothers from nagging us to “be sure to wear a hat!”

Chalkity Talkity commenced and Disco, wearing the crown he got from Burger King earlier on his cranium, mumbled some stuff, ignored the virgins, told them they were “on their own” and then kicked one of them in the shins. This caused a bit of a stir until he threatened us with a possible Check Back 891. As a professional DFL, your check backs don’t scare me! More jibba jabba, blabidy blah, we groped and the hares were off. Hats were switched, traded, reconsidered, removed, replaced and reattached, and the pack was off. Runners with only the flour to guide them, and walkers with a poorly drawn map-on-a-napkin.

Dapper Sapper shows up just as the walkers finished stretching for the trek, sans cranium gear. Nerd. He opted to tag along with us instead of catching up with the pack. This would prove to work to his advantage, since the whole rest of the pack missed the “secret Beer Stop” that was indicated on our map, and the cooridnates led us to Blueberry Hill. Suckas! After Secret Beer Stop #1, we were off again. It’s around this time that I find out later from Pornogenic that Anthrax Tampax had a battle with a little Spruce and lost. Then it kicked her when she was down. Then it dribbled sap on her and got some in her hair.

As we stood in the middle of the street wondering if we should make an impromptu Hummus Stop, lost pack leaders Keyless Entry and Coppus Rejectus came bumbling out of the bushes. How/Why they strayed from the entire rest of the pack, I’ll never know. I’ll just have to leave that up to my imagination ....................

A few wrong turns later, we were reunited with the rest of the pack at “Official Beer Stop #1.” Nevermind a cooler, Beer Meisters. We’ll just take it straight from the cardboard. And my award for “Most Chivelrous Act” goes to Cliff BangHer. He knows enough about Viper Snatch to know that she doesn’t like to drink the swill we refer to as the nectar of the gods, she prefers a robust red over a foamy yellow. Cliff had the foresight to bring along a bottle of red for her to the beer stop. Viper, being neither of class nor creed chugged from the bottle as if her very life depended on it. Only after she performed fellatio on the vintage vino did he brag that he found the wine ON TRAIL, HALF EMPTY, BEHIND A DUMPSTER!!!!! GROSS! And with that revelation, PMS decided she must try it. And then she had seconds.

ON-OUT, on our way to official “Beer Stop #2,” as was clearly indicated on our map-on-a-napkin with a “BS #2.” After much deliberation, and near fisticuffs, the freshly enlarged walker pack moseyed to the indicated BS #2. As we waited and played tag and hopscotch, Disco Ass DRIVES by us with the beer? Did I just see that? Followed closely by what looked like Mile-High Baller. Ummmmm. Huh? Hmmmmmm. Well. That’s just GREAT. So we stood around and waited for the beer stop that never was for nuthin. As one of the hares auto hashed right by us. I think someone got picked up, but I was in a catatonic state from lack-of-beer disappointment. We had a moment of silence for the phantom beer stop, then we sucked it up and speed-walked back to the on-in.

Circle commenced, and who should come running in like a banshee, but Whiney Bitch. I believe this makes him an official DFL. HA ha! Down-downs were given and taken for the FRB’s that I don’t remember, for the chumps that did the Polar Bare Plunge last week and are still trying to make the rash go away, for lack of hash attire, for lack of cranium gear, and some other stuff. A SUPER-DUPER significant run was awarded to Queen of the Pussies with ONE HUNDRED!!! He got a cool mug and a cranium band juiced up by Anthrax Tampax. Yay YOU! Annnnnnd, GET A LIFE! Do you do anything else besides HASH!? I believe there was a tenner in there, Just Jen? And maybe a twenty-fiver . . . Don’t remember. We’ll say Meta Arsehole got his 25-run cranium band, juiced up by . . . Uhhhh . . . Cliff BangHer! It was awesome! You should have seen it! (After looking at the pics, I see it was HoLateral Damage, juicing by Dewey Sexual System)

Hashshit nominations went to the hares for more violations than I can remember. Probably mostly the phantom beer stop, and Huggies for not traveling with the hashshit on trail. PMS for being PMS. Whiney for being DFL. Just Lauren for being a Cubs fan! We would soon be in store for another trial-by-down-down, this time Huggies vs. Disco Ass. With bad hashmanship,  Huggies threw his empty down-down cup at Disco and was awarded the hashshit, AGAIN. Not having the foresight to see that he might again be bestowed the greatest hash achievement two weeks in a row, Huggies didn’t wash out the official bedpan while he possessed it. Also a minor violation to note, Huggies did not complete his down-down, and handed the sacred vessel off to a one-gloved derelict in a spice girls jacket to finish it off for him. If I have my wits about me next week, Huggies will be nominated to win the prize once more.

On-on to Cicero’s where pizzas were ate, beer was drank, and I once again, schooled PMS in billiards. I’ll end this trash with an exchange between myself and Just Jen when she asked if she met Mr. Butt, because she can’t remember this morning:
Did I meet Mr. Butt?
DMB: Um, YEAH. And you tried to lick him, and I was like, “I don’t THINK so, Beeatch.” And you were like, “C’mere, you stallion stud!” And I was like, “Get off mah MAN, HO!” And you were like, “I’monna smash yo face in this chicken alfredo pizza, fatty!” And I was like, “Who you callin FATTY, ORCA!” And then it just got ugly. But then we made up and everything’s fine.

Yay! Shitty trail, la la la! Shitty trail, la la la!




WHAT: The Mad Cap Dash – wear the craziest hat you can find.

WHO: Hared by Disco Ass and Huggy Bear

WHERE: Meet in the parking lot behind Cicero ’s on the West end of the U City Loop, University City , Missouri , USA , Earth, Milky Way Galaxy, PDX930247-C5

From Hwy 270 and 40 – Take 40 East, exit McCausland. Left on McCausland. That turns into Skinker, follow that past Forest Park and Wash U. Make a left on Delmar. About 5 blocks down you will see Cicero ’s on the right. Make a right just after Cicero ’s and locate the parking lot in the rear. Look for hashers with some wild cranium gear.


From the ill side: take 40 west. Exit Clayton Rd. Make a right at the top of the ramp onto Skinker. Follow that past Forest Park and Wash U. Make a left on Delmar. About 5 blocks down you will see Cicero ’s on the right. Make a right just after Cicero ’s and locate the parking lot in the rear.


WHEN: Wednesday, January 10th, 2007…Meat at 6:30; aweigh at 7.

WALKER FRIENDLY: Yes – details to follow

On After will likely be upstairs at Fitz’s.

Big Hump Hash House Harriers - St. Louis, Missouri - Established 1999