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Wednesday 12/20/2006 #591

Hummers, DMB & PMS - The Lost Trail @ Kirkwood

Hash Trash:

Hash Halt!

Q: What do the hares; PMS, Do My Butt and Hummers Para Libre have in common other than being cute and short?  A: They’re all directionally challenged.  So which one of them had the brain storm to have a trail where the checks contained N, S, E, W directions?  We were given lovely emergency survival kits which contained an emergency flare (test tube shots) with a functionally useless compass on the top.  Since it was raining and about 40 degrees it leads me to the next question; which one of them did I inadvertently piss off?

The pack congregated in Kirkwood to receive their instructions.  After chalk talk and introductions the hares were away with a 15 minute cranium start.  Little did we know that their time requests would grow throughout the evening and still didn’t prevent them from being caught on trail.  After the hares departed we took off through the parking lot and around the back of the Whole Foods Market.  OMG!  Hasher down!  Within 100 yards of the start I Wanna Ryder stepped in a hole and sprained her ankle.  Since this was the same ankle she injured prior to the Red Dress Run we decided the only humane thing to do was to put her down.

After encountering the first compass check and subsequently giving up we eventually found an EFS (Emergency Flare Stop) at a gazebo.  While we refreshed some of the pack noted that we were missing the walkers.  Since the gazebo was only three blocks from the start we were puzzled.  From what we heard later the map the hares gave the walkers was correct, Bama just couldn’t read it.  Why wasn’t she included as a hare?

When the hares were ready to depart they asked for a 20 minute lead.  Since they left us plenty of emergency flares we were happy to comply.  Once the allotted time expired we took off and ran maybe half a mile before finding a HH, Hash Halt.  The FRB’s dutifully waited until everyone was there and then we were off again.  Five minutes later we were standing around in the cold rain looking down at another HH.  OK once again we took off and found a check!  Of course it was a compass check which was no help.  We found marks which we followed only to find the third HH.  Amid growing dissent we waited and then once again tried to run 200 yards without interruption.  The only saving factor was that the hash halts were coming so close together the pack never had a chance to get elongated.  At a nipple check Just Suzanne found true trail only to find a HH with some type of hieroglyphics beside it.  Did anyone ever figure out what they were?              
The trail of flour that was not used to put HH’s on the pavement eventually lead us to I Wanna Ryder’s house where we had a beer stop in the backyard.  Halley’s Comet had decided to give her a ride to the beer stop.  While the walkers continued to be lost Famous Anus and Dicksmoker autohashed to the beer stop.  Since there were so many freaking H’s on the streets and sidewalks of Kirkwood the hares had to borrow more flour from IWR to lay the return trail.  Now aren’t you glad we didn’t abandon her in the parking lot like you originally wanted?  

After the requested 20 minute cranium start we alternately followed trail and zen’d back to the original start.  Not surprisingly we found the walkers partying in Lazy Ass’s van.  As they came out they all mysteriously had smiles on their faces.  If I’d know Dewey Sexual System and Any Cock’ll Do were going to spend the entire hash in the back of the van I would chosen the walker trail instead of the hash halt trail.  It was like a family reunion with family members you actually like when everyone was reunited.  We circled and discussed the many, many crimes.  If you think Whiney is vocal in general you should hear him after enduring something like five hash halts!  All in all we decided it was a shitty trail, we swung low and departed for the on after just as hypothermia was about to set in.

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