Dewey Birthday Trail @ Sublette Park
Hash Trash:
Birthday Week is an oasis of hedonism in the Big Hump summer social season, a reminder that if the pack doesn’t end the night collapsed into a drunken heap behind Trops’ dumpster we aren’t really hashing. Any concerns that one of the traditional hares preparing for an actual birth day would slow down the party train were eliminated with the conjunction this year with Whiney Bitch’s long-awaited 800th hash. The celebrants gathered at a shelter near the Sublette Park splash pad, delighting in the flawless weather and surely unbreakable idyllic peace of The Hill neighborhood (home of Ben Pucci and mentioned in Charlie Patton’s 1934 hit ‘Love My Stuff," a song in which "stuff" means liquor #foreshadowing). Cuntlery brought various tiny creampies to celebrate the birthday hare Dewey Sexual System, resplendently dressed in rainbow kitties. The party of the season welcomed four virgins and two visitors; due to an excited RA clerical error most of them were introduced as Just Christian. Dewey and co-hare Quarter Pound Me introduced the Economy Sized Triple Check with its corresponding Triple Blow Jobs (not as exciting as it sounds) and sent the pack on their way. Five fishhooks gifted the FRBs with the search for walkers with whom to share birthday shots and tiny pies, icing on the cake for these mile-hungry wanks. The hares had left a trail through Clifton Park before greeting the pack with beer in Tilles Park, prompting reminiscing about beer miles and meltdowns from trails past. It seemed impossible that the Homecumming Hash’s recent trail treasure extravaganza could be matched so quickly, but Strap-On’s discovery of a pair of stilettos in an alley had the guest list lining up to try them on and strut their stuff, with varying degrees of comfort and success. The gala intensified as How Do You Like My Headlights Now? and Fake Bake Fuck arrived with beer reinforcements and Fireball. The pack reluctantly left beer stop to cope with the dreaded triple check on their way to on-in, where Whiney passed out soft pretzel treats. A lovely summer night and plenty of beer and Fireball called for a Postage-length circle, so we celebrated returner/visitors Speed Wanker (Portland, Maine!) and Stiffy (Chicago!) and Kibble n Dick’s and Whiney’s family. Wet Spot’s accomplishment of 44 hashes and zero hares earned her the hashit and Black Tar Bomber paid for her new shoes sin by drinking out of both them and the community stilettos. Whiney celebrated his historic milestone with the inaugural 800th r*n grail. The party was going strong when suddenly four uninvited guests, an apoplectic man walking a rottweiler-shaped horse and a smaller, less angry man/dog pair, exploded into circle and began screaming about what kind of people we are, who might have parked a white truck in an ill-advised manner, and how not a sir he is. Chaos ensued as various wanks attempted to soothe, reason, and/or out-rage the infuriated party crasher with little success until Bomber the Asshole Whisperer escorted him back to the offending truck, made friends with his dog, and commiserated with him on the audacity of whoever it was who stole a utility truck and left it blocking his driveway. After more circle the celebration moved on to beloved neighborhood haunt The Hideaway for more beers and pizza and wings courtesy of Whiney and Mouthwest Airlines. This writer can confirm that as of 1:30am one of STLPD was listening to smooth jazz and monitoring the offending truck, while the last hashers standing destroyed their Thursdays in proper birthday fashion. Happy birthday, Dewey! <3 Sweet Ho Alabama
Directions:
It's that time of year again: BIRTHDAY TIME! It's the hare's birthday but she's bringing the gifts AND pulling solidly into second place for all-time Big Hump hares, which is just the icing on the cake. Come get your candle blown and celebrate Dewey Sexual System! $7 hash cash Sublette Park 5701 Arsenal St, St. Louis, MO 63139