It's well known that presidential approval ratings increase during times of war. This is known as the rally around the flag effect. It's recently become evident that Splash Mount'em is trying to use this to increase his approval ratings, and it's disgusting that he used his pregnant wife to put his conspiracy into action. It looked like Licks was in charge, but he kept whispering things to her and dictating to her, so that is definite proof that we are in the midst of a hash conspiracy.

It all started when we received an ambiguous even invite that we thought was going to be another hash Olympics. We were promised moisture and "stuff." We thought this was code for games or an orgy, so we all showed up. But no, it was actually the start of a brutal water balloon war where we had to run up and down a gravel path dangerously close to River Des Peres.

The rules of the game were simple, but they told us after they gave us beer, so naturally no one knew what was going on, but we finally started after every hasher independently clarified the rules with the hare at least once. The rules: Each competing hasher has to run up and down the path without getting hit with a water balloon to get a point. If you get hit, your lap doesn't count. Each hasher gets a water balloon to throw each lap. If you drink a beer and carry your empty can with you, you receive immunity (from water balloons, not STDs). If you fall or get pushed into River Des Peres, you lose and then you die from flesh eating bacteria or gangrene, whichever comes first. Do this shit for 69 minutes and the drunken idiot with the most points wins.

Sounds fun, right? NO! It was an all out war, every hasher for her (or him) self. Balloons were thrown at dicks, vaginas, boobs, asses and faces. By the end of the night, there wasn't a dry dick or vagina in the house, and not in the good orgy kind of way. The worst part was that the balloons weren't filled to the optimal capacity to ensure they would actually burst on impact. So at least 50% of the time, you were just being slapped with a fucking water balloon. Friendships were lost. Bodies and egos were bruised. Locknut became belligerent and started throwing people in kiddie pools full of water balloons and slurring his words so badly that not even Headlights couldn't translate.

After 69 minutes of this shit show, we thought we could finally relax. But Splash and his accomplice saved enough balloons for a grand finale water balloon assault circle. So if you got called into circle, you had to relive the assault once more. Quarter PoundMe was the RA. He did a wonderful job reading off his RA cheat card, but seriously, I think he needs to go back to RA school. All of the other RA's just get hammered and wing it. That's ok though, because we let him know what we thought of his circle with our water balloons. (BTW, sorry about your face, and also accidentally throwing a balloon at it.)

So Splash, you should probably know that this tactic only works if the war is with another entity, not your own people. Also, there are no approval ratings in the hash. And no, you can't just create an executive order to demand that we to take your approval rating poll. We found the draft poll you were writing. We won't be fooled by your questions - "How much do you love Splash on a scale of 1-5, 1=I totally love Splash, 5=I'd die for Splash, he's my dream GM." Your cabinet of RA's who just regurgitate words off a card verbatim aren't fooling us either.

It hasn't been verified if Tased is complicit in this conspiracy. He seemed clueless as usual, but it could be part of the ruse. But... If you can't trust one GM, you can't trust all GMs.

I know I'll take a lot of heat for bringing this conspiracy to light, but I believe it's my civic duty as a hasher to let you know what's going on in the hash, right under your noses. They will tell you I'm crazy or it's fake news. But they'll also tell you that the earth is round, and we landed on the moon in '69. They'll probably even tell you that vaccines save lives. It's all lies! They're trying to control you!

-Cunt Punt