We circled up at Lockwood Park’s tiny parking lot. Betty Cocker’s virgin, Just J.D., was called into circle for a shitty chalk talk, and Puke Halt explained all the hash notations, as he looked on with excitement. When Gladdy called in May birthdays, TSA, who claims to have birthed two children, commented on how they were all Valentine’s babies (that would be a 3 month gestation period for the mathematically challenged). Her children don’t really look like her, so maybe that should be investigated…? The hares were sent away and Just Jennifer was questioned.
The trail began with rolling hills, which made me contemplate getting lost and going back to circle. Apparently, I wasn’t the only one with this thought because Tased, who was “looking forward to another 9 mile trail like last time Puke Halt hared in webster”, got lost after 2 miles. We thought about looking for him, but we were more excited to see the extra-long trail he would set for himself. But before he set out on his own venture, the handsome and valiant Tased courageously found the trail through the metal tunnel and up the steep. rocky hill to the railroad tracks. (I wrote this trash days ago, but Tased wouldn't publish it until I edited it to include his heroic, hashy behavior.)
Shortly after we lost Tased, we found the trail through the woods and over the railroad tracks, where we were suddenly faced with a rickety old trestle bridge, missing pieces and covered in “so much tar,” according to hasher and death bridge of death enthusiast, Dewey Sexual System. After the thrilling trek across the bridge, we were met with a full bottle of Captain Morgan Cannon Blast, which is 35% alcohol and 69% sugar, for the much anticipated puke halt. The runners decided that it would be a shame to waste such fine liquor by puking and going into a diabetic coma, so they saved the remainder of the bottle for the hares to enjoy.
Then we went on to our second knee deep water crossing (well, just the hashers who like to hash harder, not smarter) in a storm drain tunnel, where a creep was waiting in a scary mask. We assume this was Lock Nut Monster, but he/it was wearing clothes, so identification is still unconfirmed. This clothed monster has also been deemed responsible for the witchy way that led to another witchy way on the top of a steep hill, which led to three blow jobs. Fuck you Lock Nut!
After 4-5 miles of trail, we finally made it to the beer stop at a small park a mile from the on-in. The walkers were mad at the hares because they made them wait 20 minutes for beer, which is totally unacceptable for a DRINKING club. We stayed extra long at the beer stop because the hares were waiting for Tased, who was chilling out at the on-in facebooking while we were worried sick.
When we finally returned to circle, Gladdy decided no one had anything to do the next day and ran a Postage circle. He may have been a little drunk because he couldn't tell the difference between Tased and TSA. I know they're basically joined at the hip, but you can easily tell them apart because Tased's penis is slightly bigger than TSA's. Pints of lager were given to Just Peter for noticing that an older gentleman hasher (Whiney Bitch) was complaining the whole time, and to Just Peter and Is your Refrigerator Cumming? for helping me and TSA out of the storm drain. TSA won hash shit for thinking that humans have a 3 month gestation period. Gladdy called people in the circle for everything under the sun, and if you weren’t included in that, then you were called in for not being called in.
After Gladdy went through everything on his RA cheat sheet to keep us there, Just Jennifer was brought into the circle and questioned again. Then Fatliner took her into the woods for a quickie, while the hash deliberated over names. The hash voted to name her Silver Slipper Shitter Sleeper, based on her propensity to fall asleep on strip club toilets. When they were called back to circle, they failed to respond. We thought Fatliner was just taking his time, but it turned out that he was too quick and Just Jennifer went out looking for pussy to satisfy her needs. She must be really good at finding pussy because she came walking out of the woods with a random cat. Her new hash name was instantly recalled and she was named Pussy Snatcher.
When Gladdy finally ran out of songs and other reasons to keep us, he called Just J.D. into the circle to entertain us. He tried entertaining us with a shitty joke, but it wasn’t even dad joke funny. So he then entertained us by bending over and giving us a view deep inside his colon.
Later, we were all disappointed when we saw that Tased zenned back to the start instead of following the trail backwards until a quarter mile from the start, and then forward again, following each check the wrong way for at least a half mile and finally arriving at circle after a 9 miles of freestyle hashing. Maybe next time though. -Cunt Punt
Circle: Lockwood Park
Hares: Puke Halt and 59 Seconds Left, Wanna Talk?
(In)Significant Runs: Road Kill (133), Licks and Sticks (180), Stink Palm (430), Lock Nut Monster (590)
Virgin(s): Just J.B. (Betty Cocker) [whoo!!]
Beer Stop: Glen Park
Hash Shit: TSA (not understanding human gestation)
Naming: Just Jenn will forever be known as Pussy Snatcher!!
On-After: Weber's Front Row