TSA forgot to bring the salt and a knife to cut the limes, so COTR, being such a kind and generous soul, brought a “smallish” knife, which was actually a machete. And Dewey brought salt because COTR couldn’t carry a massive knife and salt at the same time. After a shitty chalk talk, TSA proudly shoved the machete in her pants and ran off like a lunatic to lay trail with Tased. Tased made it back to circle, so we know they didn’t have any disagreements while laying trail. The hash was on out at 7:14, which was unusually early, but I guess the hares were afraid of the rain.
The trail to the tequila mile was about a mile long. There were the usual checks, a fish hook and even a song stop that no one stopped at because it wasn’t in the chalk talk, so definitely invalid.
TSA brought 4oz dixie cups for the tequila shots because buying disposable shot glasses would be too logical. Then, she wanted to just pour the shots all willy nilly and call them even, but I figured we should have a level playing field because a tequila mile is punishment enough without also playing tequila shot roulette. Although that would be fun for another day.
The tequila mile was super easy and went by so fast, mostly because I wasn’t stupid enough to do it. We had only 8 individuals/teams, at least half of which were couples. They all ran exceptionally fast considering they were full of tequila and stupidity. The rest of us enjoyed watching their junk flopping in their shorts, I mean their amazing athletic feats.
Tequila mile runners bitched about the tequila shots being on the ground. I guess their moms never told them about the starving kids in Mexico who would kill for a shot of tequila on the ground. Ungrateful wankers. But also probably a valid complaint. They should fill out a comment card and give it to their nearest GM. They take that shit seriously and would never make fun of you or make you drink for it.
We walked the 0.1 mile or so back to circle where Tased ordered everyone to circle up in a massive, muddy mosquito pit as it started to rain. Quarter Pound Me RA’d the shit out of circle. I’m joking, he was looking at the cheat sheet on his phone the whole time and still forgot something. That’s ok though because the hash is full of back seat RA’s, so it all worked out.
In addition to all the usual shit, Just John was called into the circle, asked a bunch of questions, and then was granted a reprieve from the mosquito pit so we could vote. Someone really wanted to name him hamburglar, maybe because that’s what he didn’t want to be named or they were just drunk. No one knows. The hash decided on Momma I'm Cummin' because someone asked him if he’d rather fuck his mom with his girlfriend’s mind or his girlfriend with his mom’s mind, and his response was, “Why do I have to choose one of those? Can’t I fuck my mom with my mom’s mind?” I guess it never occurred to him that the other, much less disturbing alternative to avoiding the choices given, would be to fuck his girlfriend with his girlfriend’s mind. This guy is obviously fucking weird, so he’ll fit right in.
Then we all said a heartfelt goodbye/fuck off to Disco Ass. COTR gave him a bottle opener that has been passed down through the military men in his family since the Civil War, or something like that. They hugged and everyone cried into their beers. Then the hash went in peace.
Circle: Joseph L. Adams Park
Hares: TSA, Tased and Confused
RA: Quarter PoundMe
(In)Significant Runs: Fatliner (40), Sweet Ho Alabama (70), Puke Halt (133), Dapper Sapper (145), Splash Mount'em (190), Purdy Mouth (366), Lock Nut Monster (588), Dewey Sexual System (590)
Tequila Mile: Francis Field (Washington University)
Winner Masturbation Division: Aunt Flow (6:01)
Winners Couples Division: Disco Ass and Cum on the Record (5:33)
Hash Shit: Disco Ass (for leaving us to play with himself on the MIssouri River for a few months)
Naming: Just John will forever be known as Momma I'm Cummin'
On-After: Mission Taco (Loop)