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Wednesday 05/03/2017 #1402

Disco Ass @ ???

Hash Trash:

I heard that Stencho de Mayo was extra fun or extra something, so I decided to brave the shitty weather to see what it was all about. I mean, I was going to be there anyway, so I don't know why they lied to me.


Disco chose a lovely grocery store parking lot in crime ridden East St. Louis to circle up. Most of the group arrived on time, but there was no hare in sight. We waited for what felt like hours in the freezing cold for Disco to show up, but at least it wasn't raining for the first time in weeks. Just when we were about to call it and go home, we see a homeless man wearing shiggy socks walking toward us with intent from across the street carrying a bag. We didn't want to show fear or weakness in case he was planning to rob and kill us, so we stared him down until we realized that it was just Disco coming back from the swampy ass crack of East STL. Finally.


After expressing relief/disappointment that the hare showed up and we get/have to run a shitty trail in the freezing cold with the threat of more rain looming over us, we circled up around 6:40. The lushes drank their shitty beer and Greg LooseAnus ran shitty circle while we all froze our asses off even though we were wearing multiple bubble coats (maybe that was just me). And then being the naive hasher that I am, I asked a stupid question as usual - "Why doesn't anyone write hash trash anymore?" And that's the story of how the least qualified hasher was voluntold to be the scribe. Disco gave a standard chalk talk. I think. I didn't really pay attention. We probably told everyone who we were, and then released Disco back into the wild. We gave him about 15 minutes before attempting to hunt him down like the animal he is. Tased and Confused showed up smelling of cheap perfume with glitter on his face right before we headed out. Apparently, he took a detour and lost track of time. He wouldn't tell us where he had been or why he was late. He just stood there with a smirk on his face.


Licks and Sticks or Strap On (they look the same from the back) lead the pack of 5 brave hashers into the dangerous streets of East STL. The streets were oddly quiet, because even the criminals were tired of the constant torrential downpours and cold weather. The trail started like any other shitty trail. We ran through a park, carefully avoiding the puddles to keep our feet dry. We mainly just followed Licks. She looked like she probably knew what she was doing. Maybe. We only wandered aimlessly for about 5 minutes, so I'd call that a success. Then we ran through some old woman's septic tank overflow (she obviously eats a lot of beans), and into a flooded field where we definitely couldn't keep our shoes dry. The water came up to our knees and the shiggy up to our elbows. Halfway through the flooded field, Strap On informed us that we were in fact running through a Superfund site full of radiation, toxic waste and flesh eating bacteria. Tased collected samples of the mutant plants in the soles of his shoes for later experimentation. I'm pretty sure the plants won't give him super powers, but he was so excited, we just let him have his moment.


The beer stop was at an abandoned flight school dormitory. The 2 auto hashers met us there with McDonald's, because apparently we hadn't been exposed to enough toxic waste already. Instead of standing around like a bunch of boring old wankers, we explored the dilapidated building. The door was left open for us by the serial killer who lives there. Lucky for us, he was out getting dinner because there are no working utilities and clearly his attempts to cook with fire in the building lead to extensive fire damage to the walls and ceilings. The carpet was still good though. The lushes finished their beers and the non-drinkers just stood there sad because no one brought water, it started raining and then we were off again. We went through some more shiggy, back through the flooded Superfund site, and finally across the street to the grocery store parking lot, where the autohashers were waiting for us, warm and dry.


We circled up around a giant yellow boxy vehicle, and Greg LooseAnus announced that he wanted to keep it short because it was really cold outside, it was raining and auto hashing is hard work. We did the usual circle stuff, but there were no generic snacks for some reason. We finished circle with hash shit nominations. Tased was nominated for collecting botanical specimens in his shoes, Cunt Punt for being smart and changing into a dry bubble coat and using an umbrella to keep dry in the door of the warm car and Greg LooseAnus for shitty weather and running a shitty circle (and when called out for his shitty circle, he mumbled something like "I'm a headliner, not a showgirl." Apparently, he doesn't perform for small groups. Fucking diva). There was another hash shit nomination, but they lost and no one remembers losers anyway. Greg LA and I won and Greg LA graciously accepted the hash shit while I chugged his fruity drink. I'll forever be grateful for that. Songs were sung and they headed over to 4 Hands (code word for strip club) for the on after.


All in all, just another shitty trail!
-Cunt Punt



Big Hump Hash House Harriers - St. Louis, Missouri - Established 1999