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Wednesday 03/22/2017 #1393

McPostage O'Tramp - GDR Prelube @ Lafayette Square

Hash Trash:

Legend states that in 490 BCE, Philippides of Athens ran 26.2 miles from the field at the Battle of Marathon to Athens to let everyone know that the Athenians had just given the Persians what for. Thousands of years later, people run 26.2 miles and call it a Marathon.  In the foulish year of our lord, Two Thousand and Seventeen, an even greater feat would be attempted, and bested, by another giant of history.


In 2017 CE, the Big Hump Beer Mile at Run 1393 commenced at Lafayette Park. Named after French General Marquis de Lafayette who took a bullet for America at the Battle of Brandywine, Lafayette Park is precisely 1.0 miles along its perimeter. Damned near square and with only the gentlest of changes of elevation, it was the perfect field for an epic battle to be waged between the triple threat of carbonated liquids, vertical oscillation, and the tenderness of the human gastrointestinal system. Runners came from as far off as the green fields of Ireland and the apologetic vistas of Canada to partake in what was sure to be a glorious test of human endurance. The runners circled and the warrior poet GladHeAteHer led them in song as they prepared their bodies for the brutal melee that lay ahead.  A few decided to battle together in squads of four or two, wise for their use of intelligence in vanquishing the mile but far less noble than those that made the true sacrifice of thrusting into the breach alone. The runners gathered and then they were off.

At the crack of the starting pistol, or whistle, or drunken waling, the runners slammed a Stag and took off towards the next corner. After one quarter mile, they came to another corner and another beer. Slammed again, their throats recoiled from the brutally cold temperatures of Le Stag, guts stretched, and eyes winced. Onward, again, the brave souls trudged forward. Another one thousand three hundred and twenty feet later, they came to the third beer corner. Again, they cracked the can of Stag and forced the beer down their gullets like a sharp, frozen antler it was.
  Eighty rods to the north they sprinted, to the fourth and final beer, but not the end. At this stop, the Monster of Locknut’s cavernous innards could take no more. Like the eruption of Karakatoa in 1883, the Stag came out with violent velocity, the liquid shrapnel nearly taking out Laser Phantom Pussy who narrowly escaped with a light sprinkling of spittle. Finally, to the finish they laboriously legged the final 1,131 Macedonian cubits. All finished, but only the name of one would enter the annals of history: the great 59 Minutes Left Wanna Talk? of the Groves of Webster. He bested the beer mile in just over seven minutes and only took five steps to do it because he’s a damned giant of a man. 
Thousands of years in the future, what is left of mankind will surely run the mile around some distant space colony’s landing port, they’ll put 1.0 stickers on their space craft, and shout his name.

So after that we all just circled up and started drinking. Glady led a solid circle, Locknut reenacted his vomiting, and fun was had. Define Vierd decided to honor Marquis de Lafayette by reenacting another of the Revolutionary War’s players: the violent, sell-sword Hessians. The rabble fucked off to SquareOne brewery, beers were had, stories were told, and eyes looked to the future, for a greater battle was on the horizon: Green Dress Run 2017.


Big Hump Hash House Harriers - St. Louis, Missouri - Established 1999