Where to begin? Trail last night was...a trail...sort of. We had a visitor! Eat My Pussy from San Francisco. He took the first ever Uber ride to Heman Park, he ran trail, we lost him <sad face> and then he showed up at the end <happy face>. How did he get lost, considering how angry Cum on the Record was about last week's trail? How could that possibly happen? Shitty hares, that's how.
I should back up, because the hares aren't actually that shitty. And I love them! But that will never, ever stop me from fucking with people. It's literally my favorite* thing to do. So yesterday, I was reading PastHer Mourning Wood's post on the Facebook about how the maybes should show up. One of the comments was Licks and Sticks asking about a creek. And then it hit me: U-City + River des Peres = Shit Tunnel of Shit. UGGGGHHHHHH. I hate that. Maybe more than the Death Bridge of Death. Maybe. For those not familiar, there's a good 1/2 mile section of River des Peres that's just a tunnel, going under Kingsland and ending at a playground. It smells HORRIBLE, is slippery, and has orange gunk all along the walls. And there's a left turn part of the way through, which is easy to miss. We do it every other year or so. I message the hares and ask if we were going through it (knowing full well that we were) and they replied with "whaaaaaaatttttt? there's a tuuuuunnnnnneeeeellllll?" Yeah, fuck you guys. So I tell them about how we were just in that tunnel in December on another trail (we weren't) and how we do it every year (we don't) and how it's stupid and annoying (it is). End of discussion.
And then I wrote the hash trash.
Yeah, I'm an asshole. I know. It's fine, really, I've accepted it. But I wrote it, you can read it below. I then emailed it to myself to timestamp it. Yeah. That happened. The bitchiness runs deep in this hasher. Embrace it. Breathe.
TO BE FAIR, not all of it was wrong. Sure, Lucy didn't show up. And trail sucked way more than I thought it would. Eagle trail was a death march, considering the Turkeys waited for 30 minutes at a hash halt for them to show up, before Trainwreck decided to cover it up and continue on. There were two puke halts, which were just bottles of wine. We missed a beer halt, or at least the Eagles did. We lost the visitor, as mentioned. And the hares stopped for ribs before the beer stop. Normal enough.
Except I definitely nailed the part about GladHeAteHer RA'ing. Right. On. The. Cranium.
Oh, and the tunnel? THEY DIDN'T DO IT. I shamed them into skipping it. My powers are A-MAZ-ING. Fuck those guys** right in their faces after I punch them in the face.*** It's important to note that Disco Ass and LockNut Monster still went through the tunnel, because of course they did.
So, enjoy the prediction trash. And I hope you enjoyed the actual trash.
Forever and never,
*which is probably why I'm often greeted with "oh, you don't seem that mean" when I introduce myself to hashers
**kidding! Love you!!!
***Lyrics Gladdy sang last night
"This will probably be less clever and far less angry than last Wednesday's trash. It's cool though, I wrote this yesterday.
circled up in Heman Park, located in beautiful University City. It's
funny, being old and hashing for a while, I've predicted this trail
before the hares even set it. Two fairly newish-to-haring hashers?
Check. University City? Check. Taking the hashers through the shit
tunnel of River Des Peres? Check. Lucy and Dewey skipping said tunnel
and short-cutting around? Check. I only hope that the hares got super
excited to find the tunnel and think none of us have hashed or hared
through it. I think that about most trails, really. Only because every
time I found something cool, an old-timer was quick to let me know it
had already been done. Now I'm that asshole, and I relish every second
Back to trail. It was fine. Good job
guys. Way to come back from the suck that was last Wednesday. Saturday's
trail was longer though, somehow. Oh yeah, because Ice Princess and
Dewey are chatting and get lost easily. Whoops.
closing circle, we called each other out for crimes; birthdays, the
weather, shitty trails, backsliders, walkers. Gladdy sang all the wrong
words to songs and I honestly don't know anymore if he just doesn't know
them, or if he's pulling the Epic Troll. Will we ever know? Really?
And that was it. Everyone lived. The end."