Locknut really blew his load early on this one and should have saved it for the Halloween Hash because it was scary as shit. Dead body, check. Rape van, check. Homemade Fireball, check. Scary clown? Best to save something for Halloween and the Police and the newspapers.
I showed up to the hash early on Wednesday because I had struck out on landing fancy beers and instead escorted the virgin hare Psycho FillHer to Schnucks to get beer stop beer. I entrusted her with all of my beermeister secrets and in turn, she entrusted me with the location of the beer stop. It was a pretty fair exchange.
GladHeAteher(me) - "Do you think we should hide this cooler full of beer? It's just out in the open and if it gets stolen, the pack will be mighty pissed."
Psycho FillHer - "Nah. Fuck 'em."
Well then! When we got back to the start, everyone noticed that it was getting cold as shit. Even though I had used my special RA powers to ward off the rain, I felt that the chilly start would entice some fair weather hashers to blame me, so I did what any smart RA would do. I pawned off the RA duty on to Frankie the Dick Thrusting Pussy Eater.
He gleefully accepted and with the power of his military grade whistle("I searched Amazon for Loud Whistle" - FTDTPE), he got everyone into formation. Entenze For Menz greeted us with his presence as well as the lovely Humping Iron from CoMoTION. The pack announced who they were, the RA forgot to bless the hares, and we groped up for an actual camera this week. Locknut and Psyco said they needed a 15 minute cranium start, so we gave them 10 and busted out!
The walkers were plentiful and since we had a hare with us(Psycho), we felt pretty confident that we'd make it to the beer stop in one piece. Psycho FillHer seemed a little confused as first as to which way to go, but we eventually found the marks for the Walker's Trail. We turned left, then right, then encountered a dead body being wheeled out of an apartment on a gurney by first responders. We stopped and gawked for a while and decided it would probably not be the best to hop into the running fire truck and "take it for a spin". We then sang In Heaven There Is No Beer, much to the disdain of the fire officers.
Humping Iron was heard saying, "I can't wait until we get to the first beer stop," to which I replied, "First Beer stop?" Her response was an immediate worried, "THERE'S ONLY ONE??" Luckily the hares had planned a homemade Fireball stop, to which the runners were first. The walker's in all their glory finished it off and allowed the sweaty runners to try to catch LockNut.
We finally made it to the beer stop which was located near an abandoned shack with a road headed down to the river. Eerily spooky. When I went to pee, I was greeted by Funny BoneHer and our illustrious GM Ice Princess who were about to squat behind an abandoned bread truck. "Gladdy, I just wanted to let you know that I fart when I pee," Ice Princess yelled across the bushes. Sometimes people forget who volunteered to write the hash trash.
Just before we were about to be finished with the beer stop, the scariest looking child abduction van came up from the abandoned river road and stopped next to our cooler. Everyone took a long breath and you could feel the tension rising in the air. What the fuck was going to happen next? Well, Psycho FillHer ran up and hugged the driver, to which we were all relieved. The walkers bounced out early to get a cranium start on the runners and we meandered down Broadway to the start. After about 10 minutes of walking, we see LockNut Monster race by us at full speed, quickly followed by Kibbles N Dicks and a handful of other hashers. LockNut was still laying marks as he ran, god bless his heart.
We circled up and listened to Farnkie in all of his RA greatness. He awarded down downs for everything from lost hares, to dead bodies, to late late cummers. Kibbles In Dicks (doesn't that read better and by better I mean grosser?) got his 69 cranium band moistly blessed by Funny BoneHer and then immediately got nominated for hashshit for chasing the hare and not catching him and for hiding behind a car to scare LockNut only to completely miss him running by. Frankie was also nominated, but only for the cold weather. See, I told you fair weather hashers are fickle. Even though it looked like Kibbles would win in a landslide, the pack yelled equally loud for both candidates. Kibbles them immediately showed his dick to get out of winning it and Frankie did the honorable thing by drinking half of the hashshit then throwing the rest of the beer over his cranium onto the feet and legs of Disco Ass and Cum On The Record.
All in all, it was just another shitty trail. TUNE...