Tased and Confused / $5, $5, $5 @ ???
Hash Trash: I volunteered to write hash trash for this trail because, to be honest, no one else was going to. Even if they did volunteer, they probably wouldn't actually write it. So here I am, at work on a Thursday morning, writing a summary for a shit-tacular trail in between round of peeing out of my butt. I loathe Thursdays.
SO THERE WE WERE! In a parking lot next to the beautiful River Des Peres on a particularly humid evening. You can imagine the smell if you tried hard enough. Just take a bottle of Malört, pour it into an old pair of running shoes, let it sit in your trunk for about 2 weeks, and BOOM! River Des Peres. You're welcome. Most of us were sweating before chalk talk even began. I overheard GladHeAteHer saying something about being too drunk to RA, but Stink Palm and Postage Tramp told him to fuck off and run circle.
Chalk talk consisted of stuff. I'd love to tell you more, but I was talking and looking at the future homicide evidence that is Gladdy's trunk. Five Bucks, Five Bucks, Five Bucks and Tased and Confused were haring and I definitely saw a few halts in the mix, so that was good. Usually I'm nervous on a $5 trail, considering we weren't that far away from IL that we might cross the border. Tased I was less worried about, except for the fact that he had a 3 piece suit on and might pass out in the sweltering heat.
The pack was away and immediately Cum on the Record tried to mow down a cyclist. He does not share the road. We crossed the River de Peres (de Peres means shit, right? Because there is no way it means anything else) Drainage Channel (gross) and then ran around some neighborhood. We eventually crossed the actual Shit River and got our feet wet. I think Cum on a Half Shell actually tried to build a bridge across. Rightfully so, considering he was barefoot and we would have had to amputate. Lucy and LockNut Monster ran across I-55 to avoid that crap. Safety Third!
At some point there was a Turkey/Eagle split and Hummers Para Libre considered stealing a dog. The lady of the house came out to tell us that our friends ran down an alley, but there were so many arrows, dots and tiny HHs painted on the sidewalk we still looked around for an hour trying to find trail. This was on Turkey, by the way, I don't do that Eagle nonsense. I think they had a HB Halt, which stands for #humblebrag. Or Home Brew, same thing. The Beer Stop was in the parking lot of a school that Half Shell attended. He got a little misty-eyed, but then Sake peed on some children and we were away again.
We crossed back over the Bodily Fluid Ocean and craniumed our way to the end. Circle consisted of beer, cake (thanks Sake!), Peepole sitting down, and passing around some good and god-awful beers. When someone threw away one of the latter, Delta Beta Anal Gangbang and Sex Pit dug it out of the trash. Those two. Give them a goddamn medal. Psycho Filler (Qu'est-ce que c'est, Fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-far, better Run, run, run, run, run, run, run, away oh oh oh, Yeah yeah yeah yeah!) got her tenth band and we should probably sing that to her instead of the rest of True Blue.
The rest of circle was pretty bor...OH WAIT. I almost forgot about that time Sake and How Do You Like My Headlights NOW tried to pick up LockNut by themselves to make him drink out of his new shoes. "What's this?" you might be asking yourself. "Why would we pick up a hasher to make them drink?" Exactly. Pick him up we did, and while nestled in the harriettes' arms like the giant baby he is, Hummers poured beer into his open mouth. We basically waterboarded him. In the middle of a group of people yelling "down down down!" We are a sick fucking bunch. Shame.
Then we swung low, and I heard I Cunt Hear You's virgin, Just Wayne, tell Gladdy that he was going to put two fingers in his butt if he tried to put one in his. Confused? Yeah, me too.
I wan to finish this TL;DR with a mention of probably one of the best visitors we've had since I've been hashing, Sake. This woman is amazing. She had hugs and kisses for everyone since this will be her last hash with us. She brought cake, introduced us to that crazy shoe beer-boarding, and I'm fairly certain we can all go visit her in Vietnam and she'll introduce us to more insane traditions that we can bring home with us. Here's to Sake! We'll miss you and I hope you had fun with us :)
Dewey Sexual System