Dr. Shoebeer...or How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Watch a Grown Man Suck a Bear's Dick In Front of the Cops
Interested yet? I knew you'd be. You missed a great one last night. Take a seat and let ol' Gladdy spin you a yarn about the greatest hash ever.
We met up in front of an abandoned strip mall in Shrewsbury on a moistWednesday night and the turnout was amazing. The RAs used their collective rain dancing powers to make the projected storm go completely around Shrewsbury. Backsliders Tats, Snatch, & Ass and Roll Her In Flour returned after a 5 year and 7 year hiatus because they realized how lame they have been and wanted to know if the hash was still as stupid as ever. It is.
Disco Ass circled us up and told us to drink beer and listen to Lock Nut and go over there and grope somebody and bong a beer out of this stuffed bear named Woody and we all did. And by we, I mean me. Locknut Monster requested a fifteen minute cranium start and we gave him twenty. On-Out!
We took off in the general direction of the marks and rounded the back side of the abandoned strip mall before coming out in a subdivision. It was a ladies check and the ladies took off in all directions. International House of Penis found the lucky trail because she spotted the hare hiding behind a bush. Spooked, the hare took off up the hill with IHOP in hot pursuit. He swiftly laid down a Beer Halt and a sack of suds before disappearing into the woods. Since he had the beer, we all figured it was an elaborate ruse by our hare to pretend to get caught because, who just had a sack of beer for a convenient beer halt? Well, Locknut does. He had apparently used his fifteen minute cranium start to lay a mile and a half circle that no one followed because we spotted him and the beer was for another beer halt. See, I told you this was good.
We ran across the railroad tracks and over a train bridge to a Check Back 16 and were spotted by Shrewsbury's finest. He drove around trying to catch the pack, but we were too drunkenly nimble for him and we shot down through the bramble into a cemetery. Sweaty wet hashers sunk into the muddy graves of the recently deceased before bounding into the woods and a creek. We tried to stay dry and walked a ledge in a tunnel, but it was no use as the hare wanted us to get wet. Some hashers refused to get wet and opted out of the creek, but this would be a mistake as the next beer halt was at a turkey eagle split at the base of a creek tunnel, and the only way down to it was one of two slippery muddy concrete embankments. Many clever hashers new what it was like to have a filthy ass at that beer halt I can tell you.
The hash split according to their hearts desires, Turkeys-Beer, Eagles-Who the fuck cares, fuck those racist bastards. The Turkeys were dumbfounded by an impenetrable fence until Just Andy decided to barrel through it like the Kool-Aid man(I think he fixed it afterwards) and we traversed through more midget shiggy than you could shake a stick at. And there were plenty of sticks to gouge our eyes out. In what seemed like forever, we eventually made it out of the woods and onto Laclede Street Road. We came to an arrow leading us into a subdivision that is a well known circle jerk. At least that's what I convinced Donkey, IHOP, and Headlights was the case and we ran fucking UPHILL, only to be greeted with no marks on the other end of the subdivision. I really shouldn't have said, "If I'm wrong, you can give me hashshit" because that shitty hare set the beer stop in the subdivision and made me look like a damned fool!
After the beer stop, we wandered through more shiggy, mud, and backyards before eventually making it back to circle. Everyone ate chips and drank beer and took off their shoes and rejoiced in a great circle until the cops arrived. Luckily, we had the sweet talking Lock Nut Monster to smooth everything out. The officer got out and talked to him and we continued circle, although quieter. It was at this time that Postage Tramp decided to do a Bear Bong out of Woody. Locknut could be heard in the background, "See officer, nothing weird going on here. Just some normal adults cooling off after a hot run. Oh that? That's just Postage blowing a stuffed animal. It's cool" We were almost away when train bridge cop from earlier got wind of us and called in backup. Amazingly they all went away and we continued to have an uninterrupted circle. Just Ryan drank a pint out of his previously new but now shitty shoes, Pints of Lager were handed out, and Significant Runs were awarded before the Hashshit Nominations opened.
I was called in for trying to be smarter than the hare, IHOP was called in for not catching and pantsing the hare at the beginning, and the hare was called in for almost getting caught on his own trail. I think Stink Palm and Disco Ass were also in there with us, but I can't remember exactly. In the end the circle cheered loudest for IHOP and she asked the RA if she could flash to get out of it. He graciously accepted and then there were boobs! The RA couldn't remember who came in second place, so he gave it to Locknut and there was much rejoicing. Disco Ass called in Roll Her In Flour to see if he still remembered how to Swing Low. He couldn't, but he tried his best. I can't judge him though for not remembering how because I was just making jerk off motions the whole time.
Faithfullly typed with a hole in my hand from those previously mentioned pokey sticks,
ps. Woody is in my truck and will be traveling to Indy Prom this weekend to be defiled by those sick fucks. We will probably never see him again.