I was really excited to receive a text message from our RA, $5, at 11:30pm when I left the on-after that read: “As my last act as tonight’s RA, I give you the job of hash scribe. Write the hash trash.” My exact thoughts were, are you fucking kidding me?? I am unsure when this is going to happen, but it’s happening now so here we go:
We gathered in the sad, half-vacant shopping center parking lot behind the Schnucks in Overland. Our hares, Disco & Cum on the Record, were quite ecstatic about the trail, and were busy spreading a rumor that this might be the trail of the year. I was immediately scared because I have laid a trail in this area, and I already knew what sort of dangerous shit show that could possibly lay ahead. But the weather was finally nice and the shitty beers tasted delicious, so I was ready for a fun night of hashing.
While cracking open my tasty PBR, I looked around circle and realized that a long lost friend was among us – 1 Tequila, 2 Tequila, 3 Tequila WHORE! And she brought her friend, Just Jesus, all the way from New York! To hash with us. I know I was curious to see if we can finally find out the answer to one of the greatest mysteries of most Hashers’ lives: Can Jesus go hashing? $5 circled us up, the hares were blessed and sent on their way, and shortly after, so were we.
The beginning of trail was definitely familiar as I had already experienced the Terminus Train Tracks and the Death Bridge of Death (DBOD). Dewey & I actually almost fell off the DBOD as Just Maya gagged and dragged LOO / Masturbating past us at way too quick of a pace. But, there is something to be said about taking the DBOD nice and easy because not long after that was a Turkey Eagle Split, and the only good that came out of being an Eagle was you got wet. So as the Dude says, Fuck the Eagles! And we climbed the fence and took the Turkey trail to a park only to find that not even a mile in, those fucking hares laid a Hash Halt. What a couple of Sally pants.
The Hash Halt was actually right next to a tennis court, and after taunting Chewy with tennis balls and making Purdy add a little extra mileage to his run, we finally decided to go onward. We left the park, got back on the tracks and then entered a wooded area that was definitely during the creepy sunset part of the evening, and Frankie brought up an excellent point to ponder: If the Walking Dead was real, would hashers be the survivors? We decided that answer would definitely be yes, except for the fact that beer supplies would be depleted and that would suck. And then we got lost and everyone scattered to find marks.
Finally, we heard an on-on! I think called out by Jesus (since his dad knows all the trails), and Trail had definitely changed directions, so we darted to the left, followed trail to what? Oh – ANOTHER DBOD! And this one was dangerous! We actually had to cross a balance beam to get there, and then once safely across, you had to be quite careful to not fall through the railroad tracks because this was seriously straight out of the post-apocalyptic Walking Dead. BUT – there was a surprise once we crossed – BEER! WOO-HOO! And funny thing about this little Beer Halt is that once we finished that beer, we had to play a game called “Don’t step on the wrong board because you might fall to an uncertain death.” Yes, my friends, Disco found quite the ultimate DBOD and we all knew he was beaming with this amazing find.
So you would think at this point trail was about to get out of the woods and Death Bridges and now we might start to do a little running. Ahahahaha – silly you to think that with these Hares! They weren’t even close to being done with trying to kill us! Because it was just a matter of time that we entered a nice and wet tunnel of love (and by love I mean lovely shit and storm water) and all of us who were scraped up from the first half of trail were now wondering what sort of disgusting plague we just contracted. They were also nice enough to drag us through most of the underground portion of Overland, and just when we thought that the oxygen levels were beginning to get a little sketchy, we emerged from the birthing canal of the tunnel and into…. A neighborhood? And there were the hares, glowing with pride because they just knew everyone quite enjoyed their amazing shit show of a trail.
So you might think that was it but oh no! That was not! The hares took us another half mile for yet another stop BUT this one was a hot dog stop in Woofies parking lot! And the pack was quite excited to enjoy the tasty dogs after this mess of a trail only to find out that these were just some generic Walmart dogs that Cum on the Record cooked up before the trail. Was it a little disappointing? Not really. That’s like asking if hashing can be a little disappointing. I mean, if you set the bar too high and think you’re here to pound out 5 miles at a good clip and think the beer stop should be the “World Peace Through Beer Hash” level of fancy, then yes. If you already have your standards set super low and know this is not a fancy group, then trudging through shit and being fed hot dogs and tall Bud Lights as a reward for not dying is actually a big treat for us. So I have to say, Disco & Cum on the Record – you almost killed us, you gave us plenty of beer and then you fed us so this might have to go on the ballot for Best Trail. Good job!
I would say that the story is over but I think one of my favorite parts of the night happened back at the ending circle when our friend Postage Tramp showed up and his eyes lit up like a little boy on Christmas morning when he saw Whiney Bitch was present and proceeded to immediately fuck with Whiney, stole his shoes and threw them in the trash. Whiney: immediately pissed, cussing up a storm, finds his shoes, attempts to throw them at Postage, misses, I laughed so much I tinkled a little, because honestly, who throws a shoe? And I think Whiney had to drink the hash shit. Then Jesus blessed the coolers, turned the bottled waters into wine, sang us a new hash song and we all went to the on-after and got wasted.