It has been said that not everything that is written in the hash trash is 100% correct. I must admit that after several beers and cigarettes, details can get slightly blurry, but I can assure you that what you are about to read is the real fucking deal people!
We met up in Cherokee Park for a beautiful, if not slightly chilly, night and formed up in a half assed circle around the beer. Delta Beta Anal Gangbang brought a growler of something which was immediately eye-fucked by the circle and devoured faster than you can run a winter circle. Disco Ass called the hares, Free Mustache Rides and Kibbles n' Dicks, into circle and they led a spiritual chalk talk for all the non-virgins. They also listed a Snack Stop and a Beer Halt that promised to be worth the death march. We groped up around the spirit of Lazy Ass and told the hares to fuck off. The pack then used their free time for reflection on hashes of the past and what they've accomplished in their life. Nah, just kidding. We drank a lot of beer and tried to prevent about 5 dog fights from breaking out. On-Out!
Trail led us down toward the river straight to a Check Back 15. We begrudgingly sauntered back up the hill and ran around in circles until we got to our first of many chick checks. I overheard 2:19 From Chicago tell a fellow harriette, "When you see those guys just standing around on a corner like that, you know there's no need to rush to the check." Mental note, 2:19hashes smarter, not harder! After a while the pack made it's way to the Beer Halt which contained 4-5 25oz cans of ice old Bud Light and Budweiser. That wasn't a typo. The born on date for them was 2013, so they were old as shit. I didn't notice much of a difference though. Lock Nut Monster pretended to trip and drop one on the ground spilling the vintage lager all over some plywood. We couldn't decide if this was a Hashshit worthy crime or if he should be given a Pint of Lager. We ran through some more neighborhoods pissing off dogs and high fiving small children(potential future hash name?) until we got the to Snack Stop at Le Vallesana. Ice Cream and Tacos were enjoyed by some and the pack was off again.
We finally limped into the beer stop which was about 2 blocks away from the start and refilled our hashing engines with Pabst. After a successful beer stop, we finished up trail and walked back to Cherokee Park. We had just started circle when we were interrupted by an SUV with it's window down slowly approaching. A drive-by about to happen? Nah, it was just Numb Buns and Pillow Fucker yelling, "The kitchen is closing in five minutes!" before speeding away into the mysterious land known as The East Side. Disco called in DFLs, FRBs, Birthdays, and Whistleless hashers before calling yours truly in to ruin circle. I think I need a new cheat sheet because all of the words on my old one were running together, but I managed not to fuck things up too badly. I called in our lone virgin, Just David, and asked him to entertain us with a song, joke, or wang. He stumbled on choosing, so I let the hash decide his fate. Can you guess what they chose? That's right, Dong! Just Brian protested slightly before giving the circle what it demanded and I think he is a better hasher for it. Disco Ass came back in to call in significant hashers and to see if Five Bucks, Five Bucks, Five Bucks could fit into a 200 run duffel bag like Do My Butt did a couple of months ago. He then opened the circle for the naming of Just Michael Ashley. After several rounds of questioning we learned that he owns/runs a modeling agency, got busted down in Baton Rouge for jaywalking with a pizza, and some other things that I forget. Anyway Purple Muffin Stuffin' took him away and the pack tried their best o name him, but it seemed like they left all of their creative juices on an old back alley mattress. After a bit we finally voted on Pepperoni Paddy Wagon, which just narrowly beat out Crusty Casting Couch. Welcome to the hash Pepperoni! Hashshit nominations were opened and three candidates were nominated. The hares for supplying sun aged beer for the Beer Halt, someone else for teaching the children of St. Louis to yell On-On Bootie Rub(Strap On?), and Delta Beta Anal Gangbang for proclaiming at the beer stop that she has never seen a cat's penis until this one time at band camp(or something like that). I've seen a lot of hashshit nominations, and other than getting married, there is nothing that will get you a plunger full of piss water faster than talking about cat dicks. Every Single Time!
Yours Forever In The Bond of Hashing,
PS. PMS specifically wanted me to mention in this hash trash that she will be running River To River slowly this year because "my 'roids are flaring somethin' awful Gladdy." Touching.