Driving to the hash, I realized that the hares picked the worst parking lot in all of Saint Louis to circle up: Brentwood Promenade. That place fucking sucks and it's the only reason I don't shop at Trader Joes. Everyone drives like an idiot and people walk down the middle of the lanes. That place makes even the most mild-mannered driver to want to drive straight into the front of Target.
Had I ACTUALLY READ THE DIRECTIONS, I would have seen that we were supposed to circle up behind Bed Bath and Beyond, in those parking lots that have no reason being there. Whoops.
I finally got there and only about 6 or 7 people were milling around. To be expected. Around 7:15, a dozen more hashers were there! With a forecast of 9 degrees, this was pretty impressive. Chalk talk let us know that there would be a T/E split and a BS, as well as a PH - Puke Halt. Oh, great.
The pack was out and I would love to tell you about trail, but Hummers, Goldi and I took Turkey. FOr not having any checks, the poorly marked trail managed to get us lost once or twice, I busted my ass on some ice and Hummers lead us astray thinking the hockey rink was actually iced over. It wasn't, but it made for a great Snow Angel Stop. Once we found the BN, we had actually warmed up quite a bit. We never did find the BS or the hares, but some creep in the parking lot walked over to us. Turned out Frankie drove straight to the BS. He couldn't find it either, so we played on the playground.
After about 15 minutes, the other walkers and the hares finally showed up and we drank, huddled behind the "closed for the seasn" restrooms. The runners showed up and regaled us of tales from the trail: LockNut fell and went BOOM, 59 broke the PH liquor (Jaegermeister, so he did everyone a favor), annnnnnnd nothing else. Trail was that fucking boring. Oh, there was a tunnel and some shitty frozen swamp land near the Galleria. Woo hoo!
Six of us ran/walked back to the start and everyone else rode in a car. LockNut RA'd and kept teasing us with "moving swiftly to..." the entire time. 59 won hash shit for his Mardi Gras like behavior. Or for breaking the bottle. I was freezing and not paying attention. On-after was to be at Double D's Karaoke Lounge.
All in all it was a shitty trail!
Oh, did you want to know about the on-after? Trainwreck sang some Smashing Pumpkins, Goldi brought the house down with some Rocky Horror and Hummers refused to sing, even after her name was called. LockNut and Headlights didn't come because they didn't serve food, even though the kitchen is open until 12:30.
Masturbating ordered a pizza that never came. After it did, some drunk cunt came over and yelled at him for about 5 minutes, then went back to drinking with her friends. After he left, she came back over to the table and accused me of "giving her dirty looks." She then slurred that we better tip our bartender with our SLU and WASH U money. Which is nice, I rarely get mistaken for being a college student anymore! She kept hanging around, even though I kept asking her to leave us alone. She also told us she was a manager, which actual staff later denied. I don't think it helped that Hummers and I kept laughing in her face. The highlight came when she called me ugly and started poking me. Before I could get up and break her fucking finger off, Fake Bake jumped up to her rescue asking her to leave. She then proceeded to scream "GO AHEAD AND HIT ME! DO YOU HIT WOMEN? ASSHOLE OVER HERE HITS WOMEN!" Seriously, this happened and people really act like this. I told her she needs to take her fat ass away from the table and finally staff intervened and she left us alone. Somehow, Goldi missed the entire exchange and Frankie was busy taking pictures of dick trophies.
Dewey almost had to choke a bitch.
The end :)
The center of the St. Louis hashing
Universe will be in Brentwood on Wednesday night. Fake Bake F&ck and Puke Halt will be
setting a shitty trail through this fine community hoping the cops leave us
small parking lot behind
Bed Bath & Beyond, 53 Brentwood Promenade Court, Brentwood, MO 63144. Parking lot is accessed from Rose Ave. Closest major intersection is Brentwood Blvd.
and Rose Ave.
Expect: A Runners trail with pavement pounding and
shiggy. A Walkers trail somewhere
between 1 and 50 miles.
You Need: A cranium light, possibly a change of
shoes and socks.
Stroller/Roller/Dog Friendly: Probably not.
Public Transportation: Yes! Brentwood Metro Link Station is 1/3 mile east
of the start.
Double D Karaoke Bar
1740 S. Brentwood Blvd, 63144