Nothing, with possibly the exception of when I grind my hips on the dance floor to Too Close by Next, gets women hotter than a wedding...hash! Sure it was cold out, but that wasn't going stop Dapper Sapper and his lovely bride to be Dos HiXXies from setting and awesome trail for the horny half minds.
We met up in the dreaded Arsenal Schnucks parking lot, which before this day, had never seen a successful complete hash and circle. Johnny Rent-A-Cop was carefully sneaking up on the crowd to assess the threat level when Lock Nut Monster saw him and told him what can only be imaged as the 4th Biggest Lie ever told(see David Allen Coe's Three Biggest Lies for the first three). Johnny seemed comforted by Lock Nut's soft words and agreed to let us perform our heathen rituals unmolested. Fake Bake Fuck tried to get everyone together away from an elevated mulched in concrete circle containing a tree, but the mob resisted and forced him to pole dance on the maple like only an RA can. Dos and Dapper tried to give chalk talk to the vistors/virgins(Dapper's kin), but no one really seemed interested.
It was announced that it was a dead lay trail and that we'd have to consume our frosty beverages in 2 minutes before on-out. The mighty RA whistle could be heard with it's signature two bleats and hashers scampered like cockroaches to finish beers, take off coats, and grab another brew before the grueling trail ahead.
Maybe it was the weather or the wedding or the wetness*, but hardly anyone ran and about 25 hashers decided to take the walker's trail. Before we could finish our walker beers, we were at the beer stop and less than a 1/2 mile away from the start. Talk about putting the walk in DwalkK! The hares were even nice enough to provide a porta-potty for us to poop and pee into. They didn't let us in the house or provide any electricity in the garage, but we don't blame them. Hashers are notoriously bad house guests when it comes to beer stops.
We each had about 2-3 beers before the RA blew his whistle for the start of the second half of trail. Runners and walkers mingled together for the grueling second half of trail which totaled a little under a 1/2 mile back along a different route. Best trail ever.
Circle lasted about as long as the first half or second half of trail with down downs awarded for Future Green Dress runners, jeans wearers, and the usual dolts. Super dolts were awarded significant runs and got some significantly moist cranium bands: Eye Swallow with 25, Do My Butt with 200, and the hash scribe himself with 200 worthless runs. Do My Butt tried to get into her 200 run gift bag and I was unable to do my down down hands free and dropped it all over the ground. Although I have a legitimate excuse as it's been 50 hashes and 3 years since I did that last.
Hashshit nominations were the hares for getting married, Do My Butt for eating popcorn off of the ground**, and the RA for skipping visitors/virgins. Neither Do My Butt or Fake Bake Fuck could garner enough whistles to make them real competitors and the hares took it in a landslide. Then the RA read them hash wedding vows which were funny and ever so adorable. Awwww could be heard across the crowd as the hares wildly made out and groped each other at the end.
Being an RA true to his word though, he called in visitors/virgins after hashshit was awrded. These were Dapper Sapper's brother and two sisters. We got a joke, a song, and an ass with pink thong to complete the trifecta. Just as everyone was recovering, Johny Long Arm came over and said, "You all have to leave" in an authoritarian tone to which Fake Bake Fuck yelled, "May the Hash Go In Peace". We responded appropriately.
What a bunch of weirdos.
Faithfully submitted in the bond of hashing,
*mmmmm, so wet
**Seriously can we get this girl some help to stop eating shit off of the ground.