Holy Thunder Down Under & Lucy @ ???
I need to address this issue first before moving on to the tale of the trail. Sadly, I found out last night from our newly named harriette Eye Swallow, or Tight Lips, or Cum Guzzling Sippy Cup, or whatever her name is, that she was holding back the fact in her questioning that her first job was at Kentucky Fried Chicken. I asked her this exact question at Bungle when I first met her in my never ending quest to potentially name someone Finger Fuckin' Good. By withholding this crucial piece of information, she has potentially robbed me of the naming of another hasher and robbed herself of the honor of being named by such a great hasher as myself. Although others may call her Eye Swallow, she'll always be Finger Fuckin' Good(or Dark Meat, or Crusty Thighs, or Colonel Cum in My Hair) to me.
Now, back to the hash. I showed up at 6:30 and the hares Lucy and Holy Thunder Down Under greeted me with beer and balloons. Although it was a very warm welcome, the blazing winds were cold as fuck. Luckily they decided to start circle in the shadow of a giant playground, so the wind was somewhat blocked. One by one, hashers started rolling in on this moonless prairie night. I met some new hashers, Just Emily and Just Kaitlin(sp?), as well as our visitor from the Ben Franklin Hash Mob, Chases Boys. I was also pleased at the number of vintage hashers that I haven't seen in a while including Fuck Me Rudolph, Purple Muffin Stuffin', and Ricky's Crab Shack(It Was Only Once And It Was Twenty Six Years Ago, I Just Want To Point That Out). Fake Bake Fuck circled us up right at 7:00 and the hares bumbled through a chalk talk that confused everyone by including two-dotters, no whichy-ways, and four sets of letters(CB,BH,BS,BN). Hopefully there would be beer during this trail because some of us might not make it and would have to seek refuge in a pub. On-Out!
Trail was a long slightly hilly pavement pounding piece of shit. Chick checks adorned numerous corners and finding trail seemed to be difficult at times. Luckily Lock Nut Monster was there barking orders out at harriettes to check right and to check left and to check over there and to check under that place. The pack got separated out with racists up front and drunks in the rear. A Beer Halt placed mid-trail was generously filled with strawberry margarita awfulness. Although I think it was the 8% alcohol in those beasts that helped me when I bit it on the sidewalk edge and did a tumbling somersault, so thanks Hares! Been Near was yelled too soon by some asshole and left the pack cursing the hares. We finally made it to the Beer Stop at Colorado Cock Tease's place and gulped down some fine Bud Select/Light. The second half of trail was considerably shorter and only about a half mile back to the start. We lost Fuck Me Rudolph and Chases Boys on trail and I don't even think Hummers Para Libre or Do My Butt even made it out. Luckily they hashed smarter, not harder, and found a tavern to cry(bone) in.
Chips and popcorn and little spicy lime taquito things were passed around while everyone shared tales of the trail. Cupcakes were given out for birthdays, but they never made it to my side of circle. Fake Bake fuck started us back up and called in the usual down downs. Stink Palm tagged in and finished the second half. Hashshit nominations were given to Hummers Para Libre for waiting for Do My Butt instead of hashing, me and Do My Butt for racist like behavior in trying to beat off each other to 200 hashes, and Goldi Cocks and Train Wreck for getting married. As much as the hash loves to give the hashshit to Do My Butt for eating shit off of the ground and Hummers Para Libre for shitting on dogs, nothing could beat the joining of two hashers in wedded bliss. They split the bedpan and Train Wreck proved himself the gentleman by picking the popcorn out of the hashshit that Postage Tramp was so cleverly throwing in there as they drank. All in all it was just another shitty birthday trail with a bunch of half-minds. Oh, and Ricky's Crab Shack(It Was Only Once And It Was Twenty Six Years Ago, I Just Want To Point That Out) delighted us with the last three verses of The Weather Outside is Frightful (Give It A Blow) after circle was over. Gimme some poo, gimme some poo, gimme some poo! Priceless.
Yours in the bond of hashing forever and ever, Amen