If you had something more fun to do last Saturday, then you missed the most amazing hash I've ever been to!!  Well, maybe not the most amazing, but definitely the most awkward.  Stink Palm and Orgy Cum Dumpster picked up the late opened Saturday hash and decided, together, to announce their split and challenge the hash to see who they liked more and who would remain at the hash. 

I packed up my car for the trip out to Chesterfield with all of the necessary provisions.  Smokes in a fuel belt, a cooler full of hobo hash beer, a gatorade bottle to piss in on the 2 hour trip home, and a change of shoes.  What more could a young hasher need?  I contemplated the whole ride over which side I would choose, Team Stink, or Team Orgy.  I've known Stink Palm longer but I named Orgy Cum Dumpster.  Who to side with?  This would be a tough decision.  When I pulled up I found Stink Palm, Orgy Cum Dumpster, Garage A Tois, and Help Me I'm Wet lounging in camping chairs.  Decision time!  I walked up with the cooler and just as I was about to declare my allegiance, they both gave me stickers and told me that it would be too hard for people to choose and to just support both of them.  LAME!!  Although I stuck both stickers on my hat, I was berating them both in my mind.  Lots of other hashers showed up and by lots of other hashers I mean Leatherballs, I Cunt Hear You, and Just For Men.  Yep, that was it.  I was asked to RA the circle so I shook the rust off of the old vocal chords and circled everyone up.  Since they were already circled up, it was pretty easy.  I then yelled at them to drink, that they all suck, and that they should go fuck their mothers.  No rust at all.  Just like old times!  

The hares were blessed and because it was a dead trail, they would be joining our numbers.  Leatherballs, Help Me, Just For Men, and I took the runner's trail while the rest of the smarter hashers took the drinker's trail.  We ran through a subdivision for about 30 minutes before coming out about 25 yards away from where we started.  Latecummers,  TrainWreck and Ovary Punch,  beat us to the beer stop somehow and we were greeted by the rest of the drinkers with tall boys of Rolling Rock.  After a smoke and catching our breath, we stomped off into the woods.  The woods would lead us to a cliff, and that cliff would lead us down to the bottoms.  It was rough and rocky travelin', but we finally made it upright on the ground.  Garage A Tois screamed the whole way down and at one point shoved her breasts on me claiming that she slipped.  Nimble little minx.  She also stated that her technology on trail could be found stuffed in her vagina.  I know, wow right?  I though the same thing too.  Hot!  Upon exiting the slippery hill, TrainWreck and Ovary Punch and Norman Bates were found lounging at the upcumming chick check.  Remembering her hashing roots, I Cunt Hear You did what any good harriette would do and flashed her titties!  Awesome right?  Well considering that that wasn't Norman Bates and instead just a regular guy taking a walk who happened to be at the right place and the right time, awkward was a better word.  We walked down some tracks, jaunted into the woods, found a some bones, and then stumbled upon the second beer stop. 

More beers were drank and more awkward stories were told.  Something about buying condoms and teens peeing I think.  The hares parted ways(again) and we set off to finish this bitch of a trail.  The bad part about going downhill on a hash is that there is a pretty good chance you're going to have to go back up that fucking hill.  And go back up that fucking hill we did.  With burning legs from hill climbing and stinging nettles, we made it safely back in to circle.  Being within ear shot of our on after and the people eating outside, I was advised to keep it quiet and somewhat clean.  I responded with a rousing rendition of He's the Meanest, and let me tell you, I've never taking so much joy in screaming, "He sucks the horse's penis" so loudly in all my life.  Many down downs were consumed for backsliders, late cummers, Green Dress run attendees(why not?), birthdays, cousin's birthdays, flashing strangers, and taking a break from each other.  But it was Garage A Tois who won our hearts and minds with her stuffable coochie.  She won the Hashshit and we sang her the ever so appropriate hashshit song, Gaping Huge Vagina.  This brought the manager down up on us to tell us that our clever songs were pretty fucking cool and that we should keep singing but that there was also a bunch of ribs inside for us.

After swinging low(I initially forgot to do that and instead dismissed the hash with my blessing which, in hindsight, was pretty fucking suave of me) we mustered up the steps to the on-after.  Ribs and pork products of all kinds were eaten and drinks of all tastes were consumed.  What was most entertaining though was our breakdown of the relationship of the couple sitting outside enjoying "date night".   The gentleman was a man in his mid 40s with a grey goatee and a high hairline who was wearing blue scrubs, a yellow t-shirt, and a silver chain and bracelet.  His drink of choice was chardonnay.  His wife was average looking while wearing a red cocktail dress, full jewelery, and knocking back cosmopolitans.  She seemed very interested to be there and was seeking his attention.  He seemed disinterested and distracted.  Who were these people and what were they discussing and thinking?  Many theories flew back and forth about them.  He was a nurse at a nursing home and she was his mistress.  He was fucking  someone at work while she was spending his paycheck at the boat.  He longed for the sensual hairy touch of a man while she longed for the sensual hairy touch of the same man.  In the end though, Stink Palm talked to them about our theories while pressing his bare ass up against the glass for the rest of the hashers to see.  You could say it was the the perfect ending to a perfect hash.  Then Stink Palm and Orgy Cum Dumpster laid each other. 

Faithfully submitted,
GladHeAteHer