I didn’t recognize half of the people at circle last night. However, from where this backslider was standing, the new additions have at least kept up with the tradition of having mercurial morals and particularly low standards. These traditions are not just endemic of the hashing community, but are shared with a wide swath of people – especially Canadians. I mean, just this week the Canadian news reads like a typical hash trash. The rotund mayor of Toronto is allegedly on video smoking crack, the famed Canadian astronaut Chris Hadfield goes to space, plays an amazing David Bowie cover then lands on earth and quits being an astronaut – I know, I still cant get over the fact they have a space program either. And Shits Jemima, Eh decides to quit trying to be an American and is moving back to her home country. What the fuck Canada, why do we even bother!? You can read about those first two ass-hats anywhere on the interwebs, but you can only read about Shits Jemima, Eh’s going away hash here.
Circle started off as most circles do, people dressed alike and drinking shitty beer. We circled up in a school parking lot – I know there are at least three of you that can’t be within 1000 feet of a school – ya-ya, we know, they all look 18. We continued with our usual bullshitting and then Postage blessed the hares and they took off. On a side note, Postage has blessed more people than the pope and inappropriately touched twice as many – really impressive. After some time, we all took off to try to catch the hares. I walked, because lets be honest, who really wants to pull down Fake Bake’s sweaty shorts?
It was a typical shitty trail through Soulard. It was poorly marked, and passed through some of Soulards rapiest areas which included the largest collection of porto-potty’s this side of the Mississippi. If it weren’t for the fact that PMS naturally has her nose so close to the ground, some of us would never have found the beer stop. The beer stop had a surplus of maple-flavored shots and there was apparently some bacon. I saw TSA eat the last piece of bacon off of the ground, and was strangely turned on…a totally natural reaction. After our assorted beverages and meat snacks, the hares took off and before you could say hashshit, like a bad case of deja-vu, we were all in circle once again wearing matching shirts and drinking shitty beer. It is also worth pointing out that this was one of only a few hashes that anyone has seen Winey Bitch at both the first and second circle…fucking amazing. Circle continued with Shits Jemimah, Eh receiving a flag that is far better than Canada’s and getting more hands in her box in one night than she’s had in her entire life.
Speaking of musty boxes, I forget the name of the crappy bar we went to for on-after. We walked in and there was a bachelorette party going on by the front door. What kind of losers go out and get shitty on a Wednesday night!? If it weren’t for the hashers, who were happy to show those girls how to party, it would’ve been the saddest bachelorette party ever.
All in all, it was a pretty awesome going away hash. In the wake of Shits Jemimah, Eh’s deportation, she has left us with an important lesson. That lesson is that not all Canadians are crack-smoking, guitar playing quitters, they are also drunk perverts with terrible singing voices - and a lot like us.
Self-deportation Farewell Hash
And so it ends the way it began! Shits Jemima Eh?’s (aka Aunt Vagina’s) last hash will start at the site of her very first Big Hump Hash. You’re hares Shits Jemima, Eh? and Fake Bake F#ck will try to recreate that fateful night when Jemima was so traumatized she didn’t show up to a hash again for almost a year.
For this farewell hash you may need shiggy socks, a bag of milk and a cranium light. Bring a hockey bag to tote home your awesome giveaways (aka crap from Jemima’s house she can’t be bothered to pack). Don't expect a toonie but you may get more apologies than a Canadian mosh pit.
Circle: Soulard at the corner of 9th and Vincent at the Humboldt Academy of Higher Learning (2516 S. 9th Street. St. Louis, MO 63104)
On-after: D’s Place 900 Barton St.