HASH # 1100: TOUGH LIVER HASH TRASH
I would like to preface with too early on Sunday morning, as I was picking off glitter, bits of shiggy and luckily no ticks, Locknut asked if I could do him a favor. I reluctantly agreed (and inside I was like, I am not in the mood for playing a game called 20 Toes), but as it turns out, he really just wanted the Tough Liver documented for all of Hashkind. So being that Hash Scribe is now feeling like the column I so lovingly and feel truly honored to write for, I much obliged, but at the same time, please forgive me if I completely leave out some important detail that transpired this lovely Saturday afternoon because I was in “Happy Headlights World” and my memory is not 100%. That being said, here we go:
My journey began with hitching a ride with 2 of my favorite ladies, Dewey & 2:19. It was on the drive there they discovered that neither one had a thing to eat all day, which may explain the immediate Blast in a Glass Holiday Special that quickly unfolded not more than 59 Minutes into the hash. In fact, Locknut was very proud that this event was "borderline out of town caliber of fun”. Everyone was there – even PMS & Postage squeezed it in between a wedding and a reception saying how could you miss this? We had hashers such as Rudy, Frankie, Help Me & Original Gay Blade come out of hiding, Douche’s cousin came in from out of town, Stink Palm brought his little Stinks, pregnant DMB was there and even Another Dick in the Wall who was so sick she stuck close by Nurse Hash Shit in the case of an emergency. I bet those of you who skipped out on Tough Liver and “had other plans” feel like a Dumb Ass for missing out.
Postage circled us all up around a pre-laid chalk talk in which the hares explained what to expect of a Tough Liver trail and some new markings to look for, such as TBH. I must also point out that the hares were armed with Bandolier Belts full of warm shots of rum that they explained were “rewards” for flashing hariettes, to which later I finally had to call that like it was – who the fuck wants a warm shot? You will not see a single breastesy on trail unless you change that – how about the reward for flashing is the hariette can pick who takes the shot instead? Oh – good idea Headlights because as soon as that rule was changed, did you not see pretty much every lovely rack on trail – even rarely seen breastesies were all out for your viewing enjoyment. You’re welcome. And sorry 59 Minutes. And I’m off track – back to circle – Disco presented what originally appeared to be his dad’s briefcase from 1985 but assured us that something as magical and illustrious as the glowing contents of Marcellus Wallace’s briefcase from Pulp Fiction would be awaiting one very lucky hasher when the time was right. And that was about it because the trail was as dead as the Chalk Talk, so that the hares could be our “guides” which means guide us into a state of oblivion.
#1: THE BEER .10K: Down a beer, run around the parking lot. Not too much different than a regular hash. Who won that one anyway?
#2: IZZY DIZZY: “Take me out to the ball game” – yes, this is trash with music and my ulterior motive is to get at least one hash song stuck in your head (who said head?) by the time you’re all done with this. ATTN BIG HUMP SOFTBALL TEAM: If you did not witness this, I just want you all to know that after I down-downed my delicious Stag through the bat, spun around 9 times (it’s 1 spin around the bat / seconds it takes you to down your beer. Yes, I had 9. Don’t judge.) Anyway, I fell on my ass, saw about 5 Postage Tramps ahead of me, but got up and smacked the shit out of my beer can. As in a home run. On my first try. Postage is my witness. And from what I saw, not too many of the Big Hump Softball team members can say the same. Cheers to this bitch, she’s true blue!
Next was some trail through train tracks with deer frantically leaping across the tracks and the remains of what happens if you don’t run fast enough (is this a challenge – drink beers and outrun trains?), followed by some shiggy (“how many leaves do we need to avoid?” Seriously, even I know that one. Four.) until we wound our way up on top of a mountain, with DMB’s fetus as FRB and we saw that the hares were laying on the ground down below us.
#3: TBH (Tea Bag Halt): This is a game in which the hashers got to tea bag the hares, and at first I was looking for whose sweaty, hairy balls were going to make an appearance, until I saw the cooler full of water balloons. Ohhhh, it’s a metaphorical tea bagging. Each hasher got 2 tries to hit the hares – sounds easy, right? Well, this one proved to be harder than it looked (that’s what she said.) If memory serves, 59 Minutes won this one (of course he did – he can’t be satisfied with just winning the hash every week) and got to open the mysterious briefcase – and inside was…. A gaping huge vagina! Just kidding, it was a a bunch of delicious shots such as Blueberry Pancakes and Strawberries & Cream. Glowing Briefcase #2 was actually hidden on trail and contained a pirate treasure map. On-On – let the map lead the way.
#4: FIND THE HIDDEN TREASURE: Somehow trail took us to a sandy beach, and once the hashers found the “X” marks the G-Spot, we got our reward: Corona’s. With limes! Or so I thought until the Tequila came out, and no one was to leave this stop until they got Two Fingers in them. I was really excited that this was THAT kind of a hash and was anxiously awaiting….my tequila shot. But this was only half-way through – we hadn’t even hit the beer stop yet!
#5: BS / FLIP CUP / TIPPY CUP / STRIPPY CUP: This is the part that I have to give the hares a giant amount of credit: feeding the pack tequila before this game was ingenious. By the time the beer stop of delicious Shock Top Apple Brew was over, I can honestly say I saw most every set of breasteses and a large percentage of hasher cocks. Fantastic. The most amusing part is that there was a very serious basketball game going on just next to our pavilion, and we did not even distract them one bit with all of the nekidness. I think this was when I saw a whole ‘nother side of the no-longer racist 59 minutes who at that point had designated Copper to be his DD. Going back to the Flippy Cup Challenge, I think the team who won was Dewey, 2:19 & Boy Wonder, maybe someone else, but I could also be completely wrong on this one too.
#6: FRISBEER: This is a game where you put beers on poles
and try to hit them with Frisbees but doh! We ran out of beer. Luckily Lazy Ass
was able to drive back and get some more, and he came back with beer and a
hasher – he found Trainwreck along the way who couldn’t quite figure out where
this trail was going. In the meantime, we created our own game, a circle of
“flash a hidden body part”, in which maybe perhaps one or two people who have
never flashed thought today might be a good day to try it. But I am telling you
– after today, I could pick boobs & manscapes & hairy balls out of a
line-up and tell you who belongs with what. It was also here that perhaps
Donkey Fucker & I could have been having a conversation about Hall Passes at
hashes which was the start of a whole lotta nonsense that started to come out of
my mouth. I blame the tequila shots. The hares get kegs of lager for the
spectacular amount of hash-like behavior.
We had a little more trail and at this point Dewey realized that she was so hot her boobs were on fire and this may have something to do with the excessive amounts of padding in her sports bra. Wait…what? The one hariette who definitely does not need any help in that area! Hummers was like, give them to me! And used them to perk her girls up a bit.
#7: IT’S RAINING GLITTER & RUSSIAN ROULETTE: At this point, Trainwreck and I were running with a few other hashers and ended up back in a wooded area where there was a chick check and then a check back, and as soon as we were about to go deep into the shiggy we all were called back because we missed the glitter & confetti & streamers thrown out by none other than Dewey & 2:19. Yay! Final challenge! We got back to the pack and $5, who was choking on a mouthful of glitter, needed some beer to wash it down. Luckily there was a game for that! Free Mustache Rides hosted this dangerous game that could result in bonging a beer if you do not choose wisely. I would love to tell you more about what happened here, but I really don’t remember.
On the way back into circle, there were pedestrians out for an evening stroll and can you even imagine what this looked like through their eyes – crazy drunken runners full of glitter and shiggy passing them by.
FINAL CIRCLE: Rudy came out of retirement and RA’d a fantastic circle which was full of refreshments including some chocolate bacon heaven made by Just Tawnya. Just in case you were wondering, we can be bribed when it comes to your naming, so please continue to bring us treats. And now for the moment we all were waiting for: the coveted bright orange Tough Liver headbands that we all worked so very hard to earn. Rudy then called in everyone who was wearing orange and made the whole pack drink some more. There was a naming: DMB’s baby has been named “Missed Her Butt”, or if it’s a boy, that’s Mr. Butt for short. 3 people were called into circle for not flashing, and I will conclude this novella with a message to the one hariette who has really left us as disappointed as a 16 year old boy who didn’t get laid on prom night: No hay que olvidar: “un verificacion damas” significa para mostrar tus tetas.
Your trusted Hash Scribe,
What does that even mean?
Well, Disco Ass, Locknut Monster and Free Mustache Rides have joined forces to slop together a drinking obstacle course exclusively for the bravest of hashers. This hash is meant to test one's liver stamina, mental half-wittedness, and whole-assedness. Prepare yourselves for a very special event... and "Probably the Roughest Hangover on the Planet."
Special giveaway for those that pay hash cash and finish trail!
Be ready for such obstacles as*:
"Jump Over that Thing"
"Duck under that thing"
"Don't Catch the STD"
"Fuck, is that
another beer halt?"
"Am I supposed to drink that?"
"You Had Me at Cunt Punt"
"Bucket O' Confetti"
"Who Shit My Pants?"
"Potato Sack Something or Other"
"Tippy Cup Challenge"
"Kippy Tup Tallnge"
"It's a Bird. It's a Plane. It's a Teabag"
*subject to change at any time for any reason.
Be scared. Be prepared.
From Hwy 55 and 270: Head East on 255/270. Exit Telegraph Rd and go Left/North. Make a right on Jefferson Barracks Rd. This turns into Sherman Ave. Make a Left on Worth, quick right on Hancock. At Grant Rd, make a left. The second parking lot on the left is Scenic Drive. Look for Hashers.
From Downtown: Head South on Hwy 55. Exit on Germania and make a left. This turns into Marceau. Make a right on South Broadway. Eventually S Broadway will turn into Kingston, but make a left (South Broadway continues) into Jefferson Barracks Park. This turns into Grant Rd, follow until you see Scenic Drive on the left. Look for Hashers.
If parking is full on Scenic drive, there are 2 other parking lots just south of Scenic Drive.
On After - TBD