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Wednesday 05/22/2013 #1096

How Do You Like My Headlights, NOW? @ ???

Hash Trash:

The way I saw it – by Shits Jemima, Eh?
How Do You Like My Headlights Now’s birthday hash was more fun than a spank tunnel at a ten year old Canadian’s birthday party. The turnout was most impressive with more newbies and virgins than you could shake a baby seal hunting stick at. And to show them the ropes several hashers came out of retirement including the likes of GladHeAteHer, Shit On My Chest, Ho-Lateral Damage and sprechen sie spank. The starting circle began right on time (about 7:15 or so) with Douche carb-loading with a tuna sub, the pre-run fuel of champions, that looked to be more mayo than tuna.

Like the useless, illiterate hashers we are, no one got the memo about it being a formal hash except for Goldicocks. Headlight’s pink Coach hare purse was only outdone by Goldi’s low cut v-neck black dress. And while you think this would lead to some black eyes on trail it was Aye Aye, Dick In My Eye who was doing all the shaking, having remembered proper hashing attire but having forgot a sports bra, she ran through the streets of Webster Groves with one arm tucked below her chest to keep them from bouncing (which I sadly forgot to nominate her for).

The trail itself was a sorted affair. Right from the beginning only a handful of very attractive, very intelligent hashers found the right trail, but I’m not going to name names (59 Minutes, Lock Nutt, Boy Wunder and me!). This was followed by several miles of hashers zigging this way and zagging that way, the hashers were more confused on trail than an American at a curling match. We came to find out later that Douche helped with the pre-laying of trail which pretty much explained everything. A few miles after the beer halt we were blessed with a shot stop that contained enough delicious jello shots for everyone, except that for some reason we still managed to be short a few (see paragraph on hashshit below). Headlights’ plan to get all the harriette’s topless worked like magic, tequila shots at the beer stop got the virgins liquored up enough to show not 2, not 4 but 5 boobs at circle.
There were several events on trail that did not escape my attention: (1) A rather small dog off leash made a B-line for Copper proving once and for all that Copper attracts more tail than 59 Minutes; (2) Douche goes down but he can’t get up. After taking a tumble in the woods early on several hashers ran by Douche before he managed to right himself, a well-known side effect of the mayo-tuna sub; (3) Donkey Fucker is in fact a Marine. He managed to throw his body off everything that was greater than 10 feet tall but did not make a sound when he hit the ground; (4) Some walker folk had time to pick up some tasty beer and ice cream sandwiches from the Schnucks before final circle, of which I got none (you know who you are).

What followed next was a typical Postage circle, short and to the point. Hashshit belonged to Queefer. Just a few short weeks after receiving “most improved hasher” at the hash erections Queefer Thiever has fallen from grace. Apparently Queefs aren’t the only thing he thieves, having consumed a DOZEN jello shots at the shot stop before anyone else got there, there wasn’t enough left for the random people who were in the parking lot. For shame QT, for shame. Just as we got to the announcements our freedom of assembly was crippled by the Webster Grove Police claiming we broke city ordinance #543767301-789, no having fun after 10pm within the city limits.


Directions:

It's a Happy Birthday Headlights Hash! The hash just so happens to land on my actual birthday, and this year I also decided I want to celebrate the anniversary of my 21st birthday - and who better to do this with than the Hashers. So come on out for a super fun time and let's party like we're 21 all over again!

What to expect: a little bit of shiggy & lots of beer & booze. There will be a Walker's Trail. This might be good to know for those who accidentally overdo it halfway through. I try to be accommodating. If you go crazy and try to keep up with Douche (ie: hash with a bottle of whiskey), but then end up in the Douche state of mind at a Blind party, I can try to hook you up with a crash space with a hasher of the opposite sex. Or same sex. Like I said, accommodating. It's my birthday present to you for celebrating with me.

And by the way, if you did not already notice, I'm flying solo on this one. For the first time ever. My Jedi Master of Trails has been LockNut, and he likes to remind me of this from time to time. So my disclaimer is if this ends up being a totally shitty trail, you know who to blame.

Meet at the Webster Groves Schnucks parking lot (Big Bend & Elm intersection near hwy 44: 8650 Big Bend Blvd, 63119).

On after is going to be at one of my fave 21 yr old haunts (and still a fave): Weber's Front Row, 8169 Big Bend Blvd, 63119


Douche's office is actually located here and he offered to hook us up in honor of the big day. I think you know what the disclaimer is here.


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Big Hump Hash House Harriers - St. Louis, Missouri - Established 1999