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Wednesday 02/13/2013 #1075

Headlights and Trainwreck @ Valentine's Day Strip Club Hash

Hash Trash:

This is a story about a night that we all know needs to be recorded.  It may be worthy enough to go down (haha I said go down) in Big Hump History.  But will it be best known for the night of the shortest trail due to the hares and the GM almost getting arrested?  Or is it because we had about the best darn on-after?  Well, I will do my very best to re-cap this mess of a night while it’s still fresh in my hung-over  and totally throbbing brain that has been shorted yet another massive amount of brain cells due to a hashing event – shit, at this rate I’m going to be damn near retarded in the next year or so and then who is going to write such entertaining hash trash such as this?   LockNut?  HAHAHA!  But I did wrangle LockNut in to help because 1. The memory and 2. We all know that I really just talk too damn much in circle to know what the fuck is going on most of the time – “Drink it down down down – what are they drinking for? Shit I have no clue! So anyway, as we were saying…”And last night was particularly distracting as quite a large group arrived – and so many of us were complete backsliders at this point, so the energy level was quite sky high.
So the beginning:  After being ushered from here to there around the parking lot we finally found a nice deserted part of the lot to drink our beers and catch up with such backsliders as our no longer deported Shits Jemima and Halley’s Comet who was thrilled to be hashing in IL on a Wednesday. And so began the longest tail gate before hitting the strip clubs that the East Side has seen.
I am pleased to say that by the time Trainwreck showed up to the hash (not prelaying, literally just showed up), we had attracted quite a crowd.  We then quickly scouted a trail and dropped off our beer stop beers, delaying circle some more (sorry – we do have a 40 of Colt 45 to make up for it – oh wait – you can’t buy 40’s in the STL.  Some sort of tall can then.)  We changed into our haring attire – you need a Pimp & a Hoe to hare a trail on the East Side – got blessed for Hash Wednesday by Father Disco, and groped up, which, by the way, after the grope shot, I was going to show the virgin the proper way to flash and do a quick strip tease at this time but we were rushed out to start our trail.
And what a trail it was – a marvelous trail!  Full of ladies checks and whichy-ways and blow jobs and circle jerks and lots of beer halts of malt liquor – and did I mention we were lightening fast too – we were so far ahead of the pack we never heard a whistle or an On-On or anything – oh my God – live trails are so easy!  Well, that is until we had a spot light shine down on us, and I was like, ohhhhh fuuuuuck – that is so a cop, and there is really no place to hide….son of a beech!  Wait a minute – is that LockNut up there too?  Is he fucking with us?  That jerk – he’s trying to fuck up our trail!  No, that is definitely a cop, oh my god – I think we’re in trouble. 
So….we hopped on in to the back of a cop car, while he drove us back and told us stories about the dead bodies and horridness of the east side that I do not need to know about – I am from the west side of the river and much enjoy my little bubble that I live in.  And speaking of, oh the shame I was feeling at this moment, riding in the back of a cop car, like some horrible criminal or something!  And though this officer was thinking about arresting us to set an example for all of Hash Kind that it is NOT okay to trespass on private property, I was quite grateful that I was with 2 of the most charming, polite hashers of the Big Hump who are so full of charming bullshit they can charm their way out of anything, and right before I was about to dig into the water works, maybe agree to a “favor” and take one for the team, he agreed to let us go and just drop us off with the other hashers.
So we pulled up, the Purdy Paparazzi captured the moment, and then Trainwreck remembered a VERY important detail:  “Officer, I’m going to need you to drive me back in.  We have beer to save.”  And off he went to go get the Hashmobile full of beers.  Once he got back though, we defeatedly put down our hare bags, circled up and everyone grabbed a beer, and then another, and then another, because if we weren’t going to run, then we were going to have an extra long circle and celebrate everything that we could possibly think of as worth celebrating.  But something happened here at circle:  Trainwreck and I had a concoction that we called “Funky Cold Medina”.  We made everyone take a shot of it.  The truth is, it tasted a little like Dimetapp because it actually had a secret ingredient:  Spanish Fly.  Shhh – don’t tell anyone, we wanted to do an experiment on the hashers and see what happens.  It took awhile to kick in – and when it did – whoa!  But we’ll get there soon – not yet.  Amongst important things were very significant runs:  Just Kiley (who will most likely not be a “Just” next hash) with 10, Goatfucker with 100 (get a life), and LockNut with 300 (holy shit get a life!)  By the way, I kept playing with LockNut’s cranium band in my pants and liked it so much I almost accidentally lost it in my vagine – whoops!  How’d that get in there?  And we also had a naming – Just Dan will be forever known as Ass Up Ass Down maybe?  I told you about the facts….not good sometimes….
And now for the good stuff – oh my God –why didn’t I just start here?  So we sauntered on over to the Penthouse, where our Sugar Daddy Trainwreck paid for all the hashers to get in and covered the drink tabs.  Oh, you didn’t know he was covering drinks too?  Sucks to be you dude!  So, as I was saying, we arrived, rose colored lighting, lovely ladies, and “You spin my head right round, right round when you go down” playing in the background.  The new Penthouse girl, seeing this eager group, joined us and made sure to get to know us quite well because she was next on stage – so we grabbed our seats and before too much time had passed, this strip club virgin’s cherry was popped!  And remember what I said about the Spanish Fly?  Well, the strippers grabbed all of the harriettes – that’s right – all of us – and we took turns being stripped down, licked, fondled, danced on – whatever these lovely dancers wanted we did.  It was all about sexy pleasure and feeling good – and us girls – we were so in the moment and into each other.  And it was then that we decided to put on our own show for all of the hashers – complete with lap dances -  touch us, fondle us, want us – whatever you want – the harriettes are yours for tonight.  But we will not name names or who did what for the sake of privacy.  I think I may have already told you too much.
Now don’t all of you who are reading this who didn’t come out wish that your dumb asses had not been sitting on the couch doing absolutely nothing?  If you are ever lucky enough to have a next time that you see that a slutty harriette who is a strip club virgin and a hasher who is a VIP Strip Club Member are co-haring for a strip club hash, you may perhaps think twice about your stupid excuses for why you weren’t motivated enough to come out hashing.  But you may have a second chance….
Sign up for Green Dress!
Your Favorite Hash Scribe,
How Do You Like My Headlights NOW


It’s almost Wednesday. And it’s the night before Valentine’s Day. You’re thinking about going hashing but need a little more motivation than just beer, camaraderie and the possibility of maybe seeing a hidden body part. Maybe you’re a total backslider and need a lot of motivation. Well guess what – Trainwreck and Headlights have LOTS of motivation:

1. If you’re looking to see hidden body parts and either missed out or didn’t get enough at Mardi Gras, this hash is a 100% guarantee that you will see LOTS of hidden body parts.
2. If you’re bored of the usual beers and beer halts, we will have a shot stop (and maybe another strip club inspired drink if you’re lucky).
3. If you’re from Illinois and we rarely see you because of the long trek to the STL, we will be hashing in Illinois.
4. If you need a little Valentine’s Day treat for yourself, you have a lovely opportunity to indulge.
5. If you’re thinking, I’m kinda nervous because I’ve never been to a strip club, neither has Headlights who, by the way, would absolutely LOVE for all the hashers to cum on out and pop her strip club cherry.
6. Did we mention that our beloved GM, LockNut Monster, is celebrating his 300th Run this Wednesday Night (get a life)? You kinda HAVE to celebrate and if you’re not going to buy him a lap dance, at least do a down down with him.

***PLEASE NOTE: We are working on extra motivation for the Penthouse in the way of some sort deal or another – we will let you know what we come up with as soon as we firm up***

What To Bring:
Virgins! Cranium Gear & Shiggy Socks, Of course some cash money, a change of clothes for the on-after is optional – they’re ok with us showing up in our hash attire.

Meet: The Penthouse Parking Lot: 1401 Mississippi, Sauget, IL 62201

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Big Hump Hash House Harriers - St. Louis, Missouri - Established 1999