is a story about a night that we all know needs to be recorded. It may be worthy enough to go down (haha I
said go down) in Big Hump History. But
will it be best known for the night of the shortest trail due to the hares and
the GM almost getting arrested? Or is it
because we had about the best darn on-after?
Well, I will do my very best to re-cap this mess of a night while it’s
still fresh in my hung-over and totally
throbbing brain that has been shorted yet another massive amount of brain cells
due to a hashing event – shit, at this rate I’m going to be damn near retarded
in the next year or so and then who is going to write such entertaining hash
trash such as this? LockNut?
HAHAHA! But I did wrangle LockNut
in to help because 1. The memory and 2. We all know that I really just talk too
damn much in circle to know what the fuck is going on most of the time – “Drink
it down down down – what are they drinking for? Shit I have no clue! So anyway,
as we were saying…”And last night was particularly distracting as quite a large
group arrived – and so many of us were complete backsliders at this point, so
the energy level was quite sky high.
the beginning: After being ushered from
here to there around the parking lot we finally found a nice deserted part of
the lot to drink our beers and catch up with such backsliders as our no longer
deported Shits Jemima and Halley’s Comet who was thrilled to be hashing in IL on
a Wednesday. And so began the longest tail gate before hitting the strip clubs
that the East Side has seen.
pleased to say that by the time Trainwreck showed up to the hash (not prelaying,
literally just showed up), we had attracted quite a crowd. We then quickly scouted a trail and dropped
off our beer stop beers, delaying circle some more (sorry – we do have a 40 of
Colt 45 to make up for it – oh wait – you can’t buy 40’s in the STL. Some sort of tall can then.) We changed into our haring attire – you need
a Pimp & a Hoe to hare a trail on the East Side – got blessed for Hash
Wednesday by Father Disco, and groped up, which, by the way, after the grope
shot, I was going to show the virgin the proper way to flash and do a quick
strip tease at this time but we were rushed out to start our trail.
And what a trail it was – a marvelous trail! Full of ladies checks and whichy-ways and
blow jobs and circle jerks and lots of beer halts of malt liquor – and did I
mention we were lightening fast too – we were so far ahead of the pack we never
heard a whistle or an On-On or anything – oh my God – live trails are so
easy! Well, that is until we had a spot
light shine down on us, and I was like, ohhhhh fuuuuuck – that is so a cop, and
there is really no place to hide….son of a beech! Wait a minute – is that LockNut up there
too? Is he fucking with us? That jerk – he’s trying to fuck up our
trail! No, that is definitely a cop, oh
my god – I think we’re in trouble.
So….we hopped on in to the back of a cop car, while he drove us
back and told us stories about the dead bodies and horridness of the east side
that I do not need to know about – I am from the west side of the river and much
enjoy my little bubble that I live in.
And speaking of, oh the shame I was feeling at this moment, riding in the
back of a cop car, like some horrible criminal or something! And though this officer was thinking about
arresting us to set an example for all of Hash Kind that it is NOT okay to
trespass on private property, I was quite grateful that I was with 2 of the most
charming, polite hashers of the Big Hump who are so full of charming bullshit
they can charm their way out of anything, and right before I was about to dig
into the water works, maybe agree to a “favor” and take one for the team, he
agreed to let us go and just drop us off with the other hashers.
pulled up, the Purdy Paparazzi captured the moment, and then Trainwreck
remembered a VERY important detail:
“Officer, I’m going to need you to drive me back in. We have beer to save.” And off he went to go get the Hashmobile full
of beers. Once he got back though, we
defeatedly put down our hare bags, circled up and everyone grabbed a beer, and
then another, and then another, because if we weren’t going to run, then we were
going to have an extra long circle and celebrate everything that we could
possibly think of as worth celebrating.
But something happened here at circle:
Trainwreck and I had a concoction that we called “Funky Cold
Medina”. We made everyone take a shot of
it. The truth is, it tasted a little
like Dimetapp because it actually had a secret ingredient: Spanish Fly.
Shhh – don’t tell anyone, we wanted to do an experiment on the hashers
and see what happens. It took awhile to
kick in – and when it did – whoa! But
we’ll get there soon – not yet. Amongst
important things were very significant runs:
Just Kiley (who will most likely not be a “Just” next hash) with 10,
Goatfucker with 100 (get a life), and LockNut with 300 (holy shit get a
life!) By the way, I kept playing with
LockNut’s cranium band in my pants and liked it so much I almost accidentally
lost it in my vagine – whoops! How’d
that get in there? And we also had a
naming – Just Dan will be forever known as Ass Up Ass Down maybe? I told you about the facts….not good
now for the good stuff – oh my God –why didn’t I just start here? So we sauntered on over to the Penthouse,
where our Sugar Daddy Trainwreck paid for all the hashers to get in and covered
the drink tabs. Oh, you didn’t know he
was covering drinks too? Sucks to be you
dude! So, as I was saying, we arrived,
rose colored lighting, lovely ladies, and “You spin my head right round, right
round when you go down” playing in the background. The new Penthouse girl, seeing this eager
group, joined us and made sure to get to know us quite well because she was next
on stage – so we grabbed our seats and before too much time had passed, this
strip club virgin’s cherry was popped!
And remember what I said about the Spanish Fly? Well, the strippers grabbed all of the
harriettes – that’s right – all of us – and we took turns being stripped down,
licked, fondled, danced on – whatever these lovely dancers wanted we did. It was all about sexy pleasure and feeling
good – and us girls – we were so in the moment and into each other. And it was then that we decided to put on our
own show for all of the hashers – complete with lap dances - touch us, fondle us, want us – whatever you
want – the harriettes are yours for tonight.
But we will not name names or who did what for the sake of privacy. I think I may have already told you too
don’t all of you who are reading this who didn’t come out wish that your dumb
asses had not been sitting on the couch doing absolutely nothing? If you are ever lucky enough to have a next
time that you see that a slutty harriette who is a strip club virgin and a
hasher who is a VIP Strip Club Member are co-haring for a strip club hash, you
may perhaps think twice about your stupid excuses for why you weren’t motivated
enough to come out hashing. But you may
have a second chance….
up for Green Dress!
Favorite Hash Scribe,
Do You Like My Headlights NOW