I have a life
I have a wedding to go to, I don't need to hash every weekend.
Except being me, I showed up late to the wedding and being good Catholic kids they wanted to finish the service quick so they could finally find out if this sex thing is all that everyone says it is. Being new to sex they figured they needed four hours before the reception, right...
Hmm where can I dispose of four hours on a Saturday, you guessed it Bacon Trail otherwise known as BH4 #1055.
In an attempt to not be late for everything that day I zipped over to the bowling alley and wow, only Douche Skywalker has beat me there. After 15 minutes it was still just Douche and I, and he wasn't much company since he was dealing with You'll Go Blind who had managed to get stranded in the West end and wanted a ride. Eventually Shits Jemima, Eh got tired of laughing about us and walked around the building to tell us everyone was on the other side.
And then there was beer, not just any old hash beer, but Zombie dust, and beers with hops and foreign names. After a bit the bacon treats started circulating, Couching Tiger Hidden Cow Cock was walking the circle sticking her meat in peoples mouths, I let her do it several times. I'm not ashamed, I would let her do it again, let the record state Cow Cocks meat is delicous.
Did I mention virgins? Good lord did we have virgins, Queefer Thiever must be trying to start a harem he brought 3 or 4 himself, didn't bring any cash..but then if he took lessons from $5, $5, $5 he could have told them to pay for themselves. I tell me virgins that its tradition to pay for person who made you cum. Anywho there were 7 count them 7 virgins, Postage Tramp was drooling, two of them were PMS-sized.
Pukes, Fucks and Leaves was trying not to get emotional we know that she was fulfilling part of her name and we were trying to make it 3 for 3. I wouldn't kick her out of the back seat of the hashmobile.
BJ and the Bear, being the racist he is, was tired of 'losing' to 59 Minutes Left, Wanna Talk so he brought a dog to help. Trouble is he actually brought a sheep and slowed himself down. At least Copper was exited, he tried a little pre-hash humping, was rejected so he settled for licking up chalk talk instead.
Goldiecocks couldn't be bothered to wear hash attire, apparently her hair went better with a pizza shirt, I hope she drank for that.
Locknut Monster was kind enough to bless our hares, PFL, Cow Cock and Purdy Mouth and off they went, straight to the train tracks, why must we always make poor TrAInWreCK run on railroad tracks, I suffer from PTSD (Post-Traumatic Steamengine Disorder). At least the weather was great and Blind had some sexy tights on. (Apparently Kibbles evntually took mercy on him and brought him)
Trail was thankfully part shiggy, I was particularly fond of all the graveyard sightseeing and rock climbing. Though some angry spirit took out his frustrations on my and left me dangling from a fence by my shoe, at least I handed someone my beer before showing off.
The beer stop was entertaining with yet more Bacon, actually a bacon spread, which I hear tastes very good on nipples. Somewhere along the way we acquired Fuck me Rudolph. Goldiecocks and I aquired a minor who was tires of the walkers trail, I actually think he just wanted to watch her jog. Can't blame him for that. Apparently we forgot to tell Nurse Hashshit we were watching him, not to fear though we retured her lost property at circle.
Sadly I had to leave at circle to go get drunk on someone else's money across the river. I did manage to flash all the virgins so I feel somewhat redeemed. For the record, I should have stayed, there was NO bacon at the reception. Just a bunch of drunk bridesmaids that wished they had a man...
So I will leave the rest of the story to Cow Cock
Circle started with some beer and more importantly, BACON. Lots and Lots of BACON. In fact there was three pounds of lil smokies covered in FOUR pounds of bacon that you wankers gobbled up. Circle began with the same 'ol bitching about what a horrible job the FUCKING awesome hares did. I mean really, we made you run through a graveyard and climb up a wall of rocks, stop your bitching! That shit was awesome! Little did you know that Purdy and Cow Cock started a new tradition for the runners' trail. It's called autoharing....
That's right. You slowly creep around as a hare drops "dots" along the road from the comfort of his SUV. It's really the way to go when you're in a hurry! I, being the ever so awesome cow cock that I am, walked around sticking my lovely morsels of meat wrapped in meat into the mouths of anyone who was willing, and there was MUCH REJOICING!
There were sad goodbyes, lots of group hugs, and tears, oh so very many tears from our Douche as PFL said her final goodbyes. She sadly had to peace out early due to her 12 hour drive the next morning. We will miss her greatly. LUCKILY, we all now have crash space and a new place to hash in Virgina
There was also blood at the end of circle... from none other than me. I figured I had to proof that I and Another Dick are in fact related by showing off my near face planting skills. Luckily my brand new crock pot that was especially pot for all my bacon broke my fall AND MANAGED TO SURVIVE. Crock Pot 1 Cow Cock 0.
The on after was full of balls....small balls, heavy balls, pink balls, and LOTS of blue ball. Some people bowled, some people simply guttered a lot (BJ I'm talking about you!) There was pizza, some covered in bacon I might add, there was beer, and there was of course a lovely display of the never ending bromance from Douche and Blind.
All in all the Bacon hash was a pretty epic fucking success. We managed to eat the meat of at least one pig, we popped lots of cherries, and we cried and rejoiced as we said goodbye to one of our most beloved hashers. I for one plan on making the bacon hash an annual event so til next year.....
This Saturday, three hares in wolf’s clothing (PFL, Cow Cock, and Purdy) will lead the pack in a hunt for our favorite meat-candy. That’s right, BACON! We will huff and puff and down a lot of beers! Join us if you are a connoisseur or even if you're just a little bacon-curious.
We’ll circle at Shrewsbury Lanes and begin our drunken, fatback-themed culinary adventure. There will be tasty bacon-themed treats at the start, middle, and end with plenty of beer to wash it down-down. You won’t want to miss this!
Since there are three hares in wolf's clothing leading you in this crusade for our favorite cured pork product, you can expect walker, turkey and eagle trails. Wear your favorite pig, wolf, or bacon-themed hash attire. It wouldn't hurt to have a cranium light and maybe a few Lipitor. We’ll have bacon-themed snacks, but don’t hesitate to bring your own to share.
If bacon alone wasn't enough to entice you to our trail, our favorite tocino connoisseur, PFL, will is leaving this Monday us to seek out a new kennel in Virginia. This will be her last hash with her mother kennel! Come celebrate and help us send her off in style (and potentially debilitating cholesterol levels)!
After we've swung low and our BACC (Blood Alcohol Cholesterol Content) surpasses the legal limit, we’ll venture into Shrewsbury Lanes for the on-after. A little bowling will provide just enough activity to help keep the cholesterol from solidifying in our arteries.
From the East: Take Hwy 44 West, exit Shrewsbury Ave, go right (south) on Shrewsbury Ave. Take this past Murdoch and continue until you hit Weil Ave. Make a left of Weil Ave, proceed 7 blocks and the bowling alley is on your right.
From the West: Take Hwy 44 East, exit Laclede Station Rd, go straight across Laclede Station Rd and make the first left on Murdoch. Go 4 blocks and make a right on Shrewsbury Ave. Go left on Weil Ave, go 7 blocks and the bowling alley is on the right.
(You can also get to the bowling alley from Watson Road at River Des Peres. It is up the hill behind Shop’n’Save and the Value City.)