Early in the evening this Hallow’s Eve, zombies and a vampire gathered on a dark street in the Central West End, anxiously waiting to devour a boy in tight snowman jammies, Bob Ross, an astronaut, a porn-stashed business man, and a scarecrow dressed as a douche. Luckily, Captain America, who’s faster than fucking lighting, Batman’s little brother, Katniss Everdeen and the ambiguously gay police duo arrived to fend off the dark creatures of the night. Unfortunately there were some casualties, but we had the 2nd coming of Jesus, promising to save the souls of those women who showeth thy titties. What? Did this really happen? Of course it did – this is Halloween done hasher-style, or more specifically, Welcome to Locknut’s Zombie Hashpocalypse, the most perfect combination of Locknut’s two favorite things, Halloween & Haring a Hash. (You thought I was going to say something else, didn’t you? You and your filthy mind, this is about a hash, not a porno).
Anyway, all the hashers had circled up, and where was the hare? Well, in typical white rabbit fashion, he was late. No worries, there was a fresh virgin for the pack to violate, I mean, get to know better. And what better person nominated to do some introductions but the lovely Fairy Goldicocks, who can teach that virgin all about how it’s done just right. Now, at first I would have said that I felt bad for the poor virgin because she did not get the memo that this was a costume contest hash, but then our RA G-Torte and Claim to Flame apparently missed that memo too. And who the hell brought Just Kylie? Did she just start making up hash names on the spot? Someone said it was actually Queefer who made her come.
So, soon enough we were off, and much to 5 Coins dismay, this was a non-racer hash, and we followed trail to Beer Stop #1 of God only knows how many because I was smashed by the time we got back to our final circle. Locknut was in true trick-or-treat spirit, and started the pack off with their first treat: a cooler full of Zombie Dust and Yuengling. He also showed off the trophies & 6 packs of Zombie Dust for the winners of the honored titles of Best Zombie, Best Wanker, and Best Hariette. But, just as everyone was admiring the awards, the police arrived and chased us off. And I’m not referring to Officer Kibbles & Officer Blind donning shorts shorter and tighter than anything Young Shits would dare to arrive in. Well, who am I kidding – Shits was overheard asking to borrow those shorts for next time.Next stop was Llewlyn’s, and we were banished to the 2nd floor, which proved to be quite daunting for Mitt Romney’s Binder of Women and her partner, life-sized Buttlick Spray, to squeeze up the tight staircase. But a little spray can go a long way to lube up the entry and it was just a delicious journey in. Dorothy, in her ruby red running shoes, followed the yellow brick road to the pub stop but unfortunately took quite a tumble on her way. Not to worry, Toto was safe from harm as she is quite used to protecting dogs from dangerous trails.
So…down, down, down to the next beer stop. DJ PSY Mustache Rides drove by the pack with Cowgirl Thunder dancing through the sunroof. “Only in the city is this ok,” said Zombie Queef. But speaking of cowgirls, we also had Zombie Cowgirl Hardly Comes and Bozo’s Wet Cowgirl Dream on trail, and Cowboy Prove It was riding his blow-up horse quite hard. Giddy-up. We picked up some more hashers on the road too: Cupid was riding around on her bike (she missed the memo that this was a Hash, not a Bash), Shut the Fuck Up managed to appear out of nowhere (he missed the costume memo), Pirate Lucy (got the costume memo), and Judas (who got the memo about the trophies and was prepared to kill for the title of Best Wanker). Judas actually scared me a little bit because as I was admiring his costume and how realistic the swords looked, well, they looked real because they WERE REAL. I made a mental note right there that no matter how drunk I got, do not fuck with Judas because I might end up maimed and tossed to the zombies.
So…speaking of weapons… at the next keg of delicious beer stop (holy shit, raise your hand if you weren’t well on your way to wasted town at this point), a group of hariettes thought that it would be really funny to start randomly shooting Katniss’s arrows into the crowd. Well, much to Dewey the Loofah & Katniss’s dismay, the bow & arrow set were merely for looks alone. Dang it. Wineasaurus thought that perhaps charging the crowd with arrows might be just as funny. And I think that it was also at about this point in the evening that we all were wondering, who in the hell is Carmen Sandiego? And do these wankers know that we all see them peeing in the planters (you’re right behind us!) And quit giving the keg so much head – at least wait until the drive to the on-after.
Drink it down-down-down… ok, I think that on our journey from this parking lot to Sub Zero was when the part of the pack I was with went around in this circle that I swear was the 1st of like 3 times, and it was here that I admitted that when I don’t know where in the hell I’m going I just follow such seasoned hashers as Fisty & Bozo, because they know where we’re going, right? I also saw Zombie Lazy fly by with Captain America, and Zombie Monistat scared the shit out of some trick-or-treaters. We got to Sub Zero, only to find IHOP (was a part of this hash a scavenger hunt of find the rest of the hashers?)
Last stop: Final Circle. Shall we start with the RA for the evening, wait, who was the RA? Did the RA forget he was the RA? I know G Torte is in circle…. Let’s get to the part we all have been waiting for: the awards! The zombies were all quite amazing, but Zombie Cow Cock and her freaky zipper face won. PFL won Best Hariette for her Mitt Romney Binder, and Locknut would have loved to have given her the Zombie Dust part of her award, but Holy Thunder was busy eating all the snacks and trying to steal Zombie Dust beers. Again, we all see you Holy Thunder… The Best Wanker award went to Laryngyna as Bob Ross with his harrowed palette. To wrap it up, I’m sure everyone is wondering about the virgin – what did she choose to do? She walked around taunting the circle for so long with her tits and ass and trying to figure out what she wanted to flash, that some people finally just gave up and went to the on after.
From your beloved hash scribe,