Wednesday 10/17/2012 #1050
Genital Tort & Hardly Ever Cums @ ???
Hash Trash: #1050
Gentlemans' hash brought to us by Genital Tort and Hardly Ever Comes
From the memoirs of Sir TrAIn WreCK, Earl of Brinatty MM, OoKoM, KT, MNOotG
Whose motto is said to be - L' Alma non Sine Pulvare, though my liver might...
I ask myself, if my excuse for not going to the playoff game was
rain..why did I find myself changing in the parking lot behind
Pumpernickels Deli at five till seven?
DC Bitches called while I had my drawers down to ask what I was doing:
my response "hashing"
and she says "I thought you said it was too wet to go to the game?"
me "umm, yup"
her "so you're going to run in it instead?"
me "err.." at which point a cute young harriette walks up behind me sees
pink cheeks and says "hey sexy" in what I choose to interpret as a
sultry voice. Now I remember why I'm here.
Shits Bricks extorted 3 weeks worth of beer money from me, damn that boy keeps good records.
Not a bad turnout for wet weather, maybe it was the promise of lots of
folks wearing white shirts and ties. Of course it didn't happen that
way, just two of us and everyones already seen my nipples...
After a bit of drink and a standard chalk talk the hares, who are both
young and healthy tried to get 15 minutes, but settled for 10. Tort
appears to have a promising future in plea bargaining. I'm sure
something funny happened but I've had too many drinks between then and
now and my head hurts trying to remember such trivialities.
There were a couple of excellent ties, though Just Dan seems to be
confused as to where they are worn and Goldicocks borrowed hers from a
stripper. No virgins but Shut the Fuck Up from San Diego claimed she is
considering joining our lecherous ranks. Being a former SDH3 hasher I
thought I had an in but alas she is a loyal humping hasher and couldn't
be bothered to meet any of my old friends.
We did have everyone drink who felt they needed to wear tights, I'm sad
to report that not all those guilty were of the female persuasion
(Including my Just Dan, will the shame never end?)
Whiney Bitch decided to help out by being later than me, thanks buddy.
Evenually when it became apparent that no girls in white shirts were
going to show up, we left on trail. 15 seconds later I found a big
puddle, dry shoes are for sissies.
Even though we all saw a bucket of flour in circle the marks were a bit
spartan. Particularly so since the rain was steadily washing away what
was on the ground. We soon discovered that standard chalk talk was
insufficient to describe the reality. Apparently on this trail two
perpendicular green signs on a post denoted an intersection (I refuse to
refer to them as checks).
So quite often we found ourselves wandering aimlessly through streets,
parking lots and other urban locales trying to determine if that tiny
white speck in a puddle indicated we were on.
Call of the night was ON on? maybe, ru umm I think so, nope. Last mark? there was a white blob a couple blocks ago...
After we were all incurably soaked and steaming eventually we found a BN (which should have read BVFO-thats beer very far off)
There was some confusion as the BS looked amazingly similar to the on
after. Does that not make this an A to B..to A..to B? Or is that AB
Being the smart hasher I am, I had stuffed my id and money in the
backpack of a walker at circle. Little did I know that they, being
smarter than us, left trail 40 minutes prior to eat at a Thai
restaurant. At least they were plenty of civilians at the Hive with
large mammories (and bellies to match). Some were dumb enough to fall
for the I bet you a beer I can get you wet in 2 seconds bit. So it
wasn't all bad.
Eventually the rain let up and the hares disappeared.
I mean this, quite literally.
Leaving the Hive there was one bit of hash in the lot heading toward New Callas, sort of.
Great TraInWrECk, you say. Where did trail go from there?
No fucking clue, I respond.
Hint to new hares - flour doesn't survive long in a wet busy street!
Particularly when you use a teaspoon to measure out your marks.
At this point the hash looked something like a downtown roofing job when INS shows up.
I attempted to lead a zen charge, but only 59 minutes and Fake Bake Fuck
followed and then passed me (I'm not young anymore you know), they were
on a mission. They couldn't bear being so close to a golf course
without at least stopping to look at it.
After a bit more random wandering and crossing various bits of pre BS trail I crept into the start the back way.
Apparently no one else had found the 2nd BS either as everyone else was filtering in from different directions.
After several beers and a few bags of cheetos, we got tired of waiting
on the hares and decided to have circle without them. Which was
inconvenient as I was trying to get a mexican blanket party started.
Since Douche wasn't there we made everyone drink that hang out with him the night before.
Cow Cock appointed Another Dick in the Wall to be her stunt drinker, the
shame. So naturally we picked on our poor bovine and made her pay for
numerous offenses, sort of. It was all fun and games until she took a
sucker punch to her incision, ouch. Luckily a volunteer came forward
elbowing the nurse and corpsman out of the way to offer his boy scout
first aid skills, I think he just wanted to see her panties.
The bud select was starting to get to me and I can't remember who our
hashshit was, to be honest Douche wasn't there so I couldn't be bothered
to pay attention.
One thing that does come to mind, I suspect anyone who volunteers the
air force song for a down down will find themselves in circle at the
next hash. You've been warned. And for those who still feel the
injustice of the lack of representation of other services, make one up,
no one is stopping you.
I'll even help here's a UK favorite
Arseholes are cheap today, Cheaper than yesterday,
Little ones are half a crown, Standing up or bending down.
Large ones at three and eight, Cause us to palpitate.
We have a big supply, Of Gluteus Maximi.
We'll pledge your money back, So don't say no to crack.
A bum deal you'll get from us,
Arseholes are cheap!Arseholes are cheap!Aaaaaaaarrrrrrssssseeee holes are cheap!
We returned to the BS/on after and the food was good and the pitchers of Rolling Rock cheap, good job hares! Wherever you are.
My memoirs tell no more of this evening as I left before 11 to visit a
redheaded hasher from Florida who has taken up residence in Rock Hill.
How did I find her? Well if the lazy wanker who was supposed to write
the trash from 1048 had done so, you might know the story.
ps Shut the Fuck Up announced she will be haring the sunday trail, but
what we want to know is whether or not she is a racist? Dare I go?
You are cordially invited to Gentleman Tort and Lady Ever Cums' cocktail party on Wednesday, the seventeenth of October, two-thousand and twelve at six-thirty pm sharp near the intersection of Olive Blvd and Graeser Road in the County of Saint Louis, State of Missouri. We will meet in the parking-lot behind Pumpernickle's Delicatessen. Black tie optional. Remember not to eat anything because we are having beer for dinner.
You can expect the classiest hash to which only the best are invited. For the most fun, cash and ID will be required on trail.
View Larger Map
Have your driver take you north or south on 270 depending on where you're starting from (if your starting from north, have him take 270 south and vice versa). Exit 270 from on Olive Blvd and take that east until you see Pumpernickle's Delicatessen on you're right. If you get there before us, start without us. Don't call us, we'll call you.
Big Hump Hash House Harriers - St. Louis, Missouri - Established 1999