This Wednesday we all met up
in Maplewood to celebrate the birthday of a great hasher. No, not Gispert.
What has that dead prick ever done for you? I'm talking about Disco Ass. He
promised to take us on a birthday disaster hash and it was exactly that from
start to finish.
Yours truly, GladHeAteHer for
those who don't like to wait until the end to find out who is writing this
garbage, showed up early and got some shiggy socks at the Big K-Mart. I
meandered over to were I thought circle might be and saw Whiney Bitch chatting
up hashers about the good ol' days and his complaints. His early arrival was
atypical, but his words felt like home. I cracked open a 24oz Stag that I had
gotten earlier to pre-lube and introduced myself to everyone again. As hashers
stumbled in on bikes, motorcycles, scooters, and big rigs, we began. Disco Ass
graced the circle and laid marks for all to take note of. No Check Backs, No
Two-Dotters, No TP, No Fun! Hints were made about the infamous Death Bridge of
Death, but no other clues were given. Off he went with a 15 minute cranium
start and Postage Tramp circled everyone back up. Our lone virgin Just Lindsey
came into circle and gave a rousing joke. Backsliders and Late Cummers were
pulled in and given the proper treatment. Everyone got nice and lubed for the
upcumming trail before the On-Out was called.
We circled around the Big K and
found a chick check to greet us. When no one flashed, it made me think why
there isn't a dick check? I'm sure harriettes would love to get to a check
first and then eagerly wait for some nubile hasher to grace them with a flash of
their teste sack, sweaty wangs, or hairy butts. Maybe someone should start
this? Maybe not. We ran down behind the strip mall and saw Stink Palm on the
railroad tracks. How the fuck did he get over there already? Ah ha! Through
the rabbit hole in the fence. I went through and found myself in the front of
the pack(well, behind Stink Palm). Another chick check and we found marks
leading to the Death Bridge of Death. Hashers swarmed it and steadily traversed the
treacherous bridge. I'll have to admit that I called On-On once on the bridge,
even though I didn't see any marks. Rookie mistake or sadistic intentions? The
world may never know. Once we got to the other side, we realized that marks
were no where to be found. So everyone had to go back over the beast. Easy for
some without fear, harder for others on all fours. As about half of the pack
crossed the bridge, she gave us another surprise. The DBoD was also home to a
hornet's nest! Shot By A Whore and $5, $5, $5 got a couple of stings, but it
was Cum Goggles to took anywhere between 10-30 love nips(the number constantly
changed along trail as well as the type of stinging insect). "Fuck this shit!
I'm going home," could be heard from her mouth as she ran off back towards the
start.
Back on trail, bloodied, stung,
and thirsty hashers ran down tracks, through bushes, and into the River Des
Peres basin. Eagerly hoping the beer stop would be around the corner, hashers
tried to keep their feet out of the river sewage. One hasher was not so lucky
and fell face first into the muck. Do My Butt cleaned off her face and then
could be heard yelling, "Fuck this shit! I'm five months pregnant and I'm going
home!" What a trooper! We rolled into the beer stop and quenched our thirsts.
Just Corbin was advised that Colt 45 had certain antiseptic properties and
poured some on his bloodied knee. A Fail Of Two Titties also got stung in the
ass, but by a fence. Colt 45 was poured there too. Just when I thought I had
seen it all, 59 Minutes Left, Wanna Talk?'s dog took a dump on his own leash.
So far I gave this trail a 9.5!
After the beer stop, we saw the
dots go up the hill. Some creative hashers with a good sense of direction
decided to take trail into their own hands and zen back to where they thought it
might end up. We were right! We ran through streets, tried to explain to
people walking their dogs what we were doing, and thankfully made it back to the
start. Awesome chips and chocolates were passed around and hashers shared war
stories from the trail. Postage Tramp circled everyone up and we all let Disco
Ass know what we thought about his trail. Not enough bees, too many meth labs,
did you see that dog shit on his leash? You know, the typical stuff. Just
about every down down you could think of came up, and even a few that you
couldn't possibly imagine drinking for. For example, hashers drank for wearing
Orange, for changing clothes, for ever having ridden a motorcycle, and for
peeing close to a car.
It was also decided mid-circle, that the hasher
named just Ryan, who was leaving for Hawaii, should be named. Naming a hasher
with a questionnaire is difficult enough, but to do it 45-minutes into circle is
a nearly impossible task. We found out that he works for Monsanto as a
Mechincal Engineer, he had sex in a lake, his nickname was Shaggy, and that if
he had to choose one hasher from the circle to take home, it would be Penthouse
VIP. How Do You Like My Headlights Now took him behind the Big K and the names
started flying out. Some of the losers were Big K Blade, K-Mart Hand Job,
Scooby Do Me, Tall White Boy, Seedless Rape, and the Rapes of Gash. But
ultimately through a complicated system of pairings and screaming that would
make Purple Muffin' Stuffin's namings look scholarly, the name Genetically
Modified Whoregasm was chosen! I found out at the on after that $5 $5 $5, who
suggested it, originally said Genetically Modified Whorganism. Oh well, at
least it's better than I Like Small Children(not really, that name was
awesome).
Alley Oops got her 25 cranium band and Just Liliana got her
10. We then started hashshit nominations right? Wrong. 30 more minutes of
down downs!! Luckily we had the beer to back it up. When we got around to it,
most everyone was too wasted to remember trail, but luckily a few brain cells
were left. Fail Of Two Titties was nominated for being stung in the ass by a
fence, Kibbles N Dicks and Shits Bricks were nominated for crawling on all fours
over the Death Bridge of Hornets, and Disco Ass was nominated for setting an
awesome fucking trail that Cum Goggles will never forget. Disco Ass received
the most support from circle and drank from the bed pan. Postage Made the
virgin swing low and thus concluded the 1111 Hash. Let it forever be remembered
as it is written. Especially the part where Do My Butt fell in poop
water.
Faithfully submitted in the bond of
hashing,
GladHeAteHer